I could make this moment mine.
I could do this.
Only I didn’t.
All that talk, all that bravado, all that planning was for shit.
The man I loved, the man I wanted to destroy my world for, walked right past me, and I didn’t even blink.
The worst part? Asher didn’t act in any way differently.
He hadn’t been upset or disappointed.
He hadn’t expected anything from me, and I hadn’t surprised him by showing him he should.
Thursday,adayI’dnever forget.
A student from my study group invited some of us to stop by her father’s firm to inquire about internships. I went along. I had no interest in the internships, being for a law firm and all, but it was a chance to get off campus. A chance to be closer to Luke. A chance I couldn’t pass to be seeing the same skyline he would be seeing.
A chance that ended with heartbreak.
Epiphanies could be sparked by anything, even unrelated topics, I’d bet, but this one I couldn’t deny was surprising. The roots had been digging deep and spreading for some time. It was those I hadn’t exactly been aware of. Or at least, I hadn’t given much brain power to think about.
So became my epiphany: I had to let Luke go.
The second the decision was made, I hated it.
Why? Why did I need to give him up? Why couldn’t I be happy with seeing him and not touching him when I would be able to later? When the curtains were drawn, when the lights were low, when no one was the wiser except him and me, the only peoplethat mattered, I could release my heart to him. That should be enough. That could sustain me.
That was a lie.
It wouldn’t sustain me, but not for any selfish reason.
I wasn’t a naturally selfish person. How could I be with a family so large and sharing everything I’d ever owned? I could share this. I could be Luke’s in private and let go in public.
So, what was this about-face, this one-eighty, this future-altering twist I hadn’t seen coming?
What was this problem I couldn’t solve with a well-intentioned story about a cousin?
The answer, so simple and so complicated it stole my breath, my words, was the very real, soul-wrenching pain on Luke’s face.
As clear as if it had been written in flashing letters, Luke wanted to reach for me, acknowledge me, but couldn’t or wouldn’t. Whatever it was, whatever his reason or conclusion, it had caused him pain. And I couldn’t do that to him. I couldn’t be a point of constant shame or self-doubt. Iwouldn’tallow myself to be the reason Luke learned to hate himself.
He’d made a choice, a choice to keep his sexuality a secret. I respected that. I wouldn’t ask him to change for me. I wouldn’t demand his submission in this.
Now, I had made a choice, a choice to help him keep his.
Luke texted me Thursday night. Something innocuous, something safe and vague. I hadn’t answered right away. Not because I was avoiding him, but I’d been a wreck, deep in my head. Eventually, I messaged him saying I was heading home—home to Hickory Bend a lot sooner than expected—but would see him Sunday for our breakfast date. He’d left me alone after that, saying he’d give me time with my family.
I couldn’t be sure without tone, and maybe I was projecting, but we’d always been so in sync before. Did he feel this? Did he know what was coming?
Friday after classes ended, I left campus. There weren’t many times in my life I’d gone to Momma for comfort. I’d been too busy giving comfort to everyone else, but today wasn’t like any other day.
Dinner was over by the time I got there. Momma was cleaning the kitchen when I walked through the back door.
“Asher?” she said with surprise. Whatever was written on my face, she read completely. “Oh, sweetie.”
Momma laid her dish towel on the counter and enveloped me in her arms.
