‘OK … I’ll call you tonight…’
‘Right … um … yeah.’ She was getting fidgety, taking small steps back and forth. She took a tiny jump forward as if she was going to kiss me again but said, ‘Love you,’ then jumped back. ‘Sorry. Bye.’ And then she bounced away along the corridor without looking back.
The kiss, her words and how lovably awkward she was; how could these things not have made the dark feeling disappear? The relief of having no more exams and finishing school forever didn’t seem to diminish it either. If anything, the dark feeling felt stronger, gripping me, leaving me no choice but to take one last wander around the school grounds and hope that would make it go away. It was not, as I knew, a feeling I should ignore.
More groups of students were around the school with their blazers off and shirts scribbled with signatures, ties cut in half. A few of them asked me to sign their shirt, which I did in a kind of disembodied way; I hope I wrote something nice.
My feet took me across the deserted playground.
‘Finally,’ came a voice from behind me. ‘The day I’ve been waiting for all year.’ It was Kevin Sherry, on his own for once, walking towards me. ‘The day where I no longer have to set eyes on you.’
I frowned at him.
‘Well,’ I said, ‘you kind of screwed that up since you’re staring at me right now. The day you never have to set eyes on me istomorrow, Kevin.’
‘What iftomorrownever comes?’ he said.
‘Is that not a song?’
‘It’s a threat.’
‘Right.’
His shirt was so covered in signatures that it was more black and blue ink than white.
‘You know, Kevin,’ I said, ‘tomorrow’s also the day whereInever have to set eyes onyouagain, and I can’t flippin’ wait for that.’
My shirt was still all white, no one thought to sign mine and I didn’t think to ask.
Kevin strode towards me. I think he expected me to run the way he did it, but I stood my ground. He lifted up his arm and I instinctively slapped it away. He did it again and I pushed him.
‘Oh, wee hard man?’ he said, coming back at me.
I shoved him even harder and he hit the ground. I didn’t mean to. I didn’t even know that I could.
‘Sorry,’ I said.
He was back on his feet in an instant and sprang towards me to hook the crook of his elbow around the back of my neck. He grabbed my arm at the same time. I tried to squirm out of his hold but he pulled me into a headlock down by his waist. It was strangely gentle the way he did it, but I battered his legs with my fists to get him to let go.
‘I’m not trying to fight you, you fuckin’ eejit,’ he said while tightening his hold around my neck to weaken me and using his weight to force me onto my knees to flip me onto my back and pin me with my arms above my head as he sat on my chest.
‘Are you going to stop?’ he said.
‘I can’t breathe properly,’ I gasped.
‘Like one of your dead bodies?’ he said, his face down close to mine.
‘Well,’ I said, still struggling to get words out, ‘no breath generally does mean you’re dead, Kevin.’
I used all my strength to pull out from under him. His armsgave way and he toppled down with his head slamming into the space between my eyes. My ears pinged and rang, muffling out sound.
Kevin’s face was above mine, red, sweating. Checking my face to see if I was OK. His lips moving. Saying something.
‘Can you not hear me?’ he shouted through the dullness in my ears.
I was trying to make his face come back into focus but it looked fuzzy.
‘Brendan?’ he said.
