‘Yeah,’ I said. ‘That was flippin’ sore.’
‘Aye, well you shouldn’t have been such a wee pansy,’ he said, getting up onto his feet and looking down at me. It seemed like he was about to offer his hand to help me up but he stopped himself.
‘Did you see him?’ he said.
‘What?’ I said through the haze in my head.
‘Did you see him? My granda?’
Kevin was still out of focus but the memory I had of his granda was clear; seeing him looking peaceful in his coffin in the chapel of rest when I helped Mr Feeney carry in some bouquets of flowers the day before the funeral, the day before his coffin was to be sealed shut and put in the back of the hearse that I had gleaming for him.
‘Yeah,’ I said, confused.
Kevin scrunched his mouth up.
‘I didn’t,’ he said.
I lay there, looking up at him.
‘Did you hear me? I didn’t fuckin’ see him.’
‘Because … why?’
‘Shut up.’
‘Because … why? … Because it was too …’
‘Too what?’ he said. ‘Don’t say “hard”.’
‘Too … much?’ I said.
He looked down.
‘Because I just fuckin’ didn’t …’ he said ‘… and you fuckin’ did and …’ I thought he was going to kick me, but he stepped back. ‘And now I’ll never …’ He looked up into the sky and took an unbalanced step back. ‘I’ll never have to look at you ever again.’
He turned and stalked off.
I lay on the ground watching him go.
He never looked back; he meant what he said.
I sat up and felt blood run out of my nose. I leaned forward and caught the drips with my hand and stared down at the red pooling in my palm. I made my way to my feet, still catching the drips as I stood. I was the only one in the playground. I started to laugh.
My last day at school ending how my first day had begun – in blood.
My feet took me to the boys’ toilets. I stood over the sink, the same one I stood at when Ronan came with me that day all those years ago. The scene was just the same but I was taller and I was alone. I let the drips fall into the white basin.
‘If you could only see me now,’ I said to the Ronan who wasn’t there.
The drips stopped.
I straightened and looked at myself in the mirror. I wiped the blood away with the back of my hand and washed it off under the cold tap. I took a paper towel and blew my nose to clear it and then looked at myself properly. Without the blood I might not have known anything had happened to me at all. The only giveaway was my dishevelled uniform, which I decided to fix even though it didn’t matter anymore. Tucking in my shirt, redoing my tie, straightening everything out. The model schoolboy.
But still the dark feeling was there.
Why?
I let my feet carry me once more.
