I let out a long sigh. “We met because of Oscar. He was just a cute little kitten at the adoption place and we both wanted him. We argued about who had better resources to care for him, who needed him most…it was a really funny sort of ‘enemies to lovers’ meet-cute. There was energy in the air. I think we both felt it.
“After arguing for a few minutes, he challenged me to a ‘care off.’ It was the dumbest thing I’d ever heard of since, how can a cat tell you which house he prefers to live in, but he had so much heart and seemed to love Oscar at first sight like me. I signed the adoption papers with the caveat that if Oscar preferred his house, I would hand him over.”
“You’ve taken everything from me! You’re not taking him!”
I pinch my eyes shut.
“Anyway, we ended up going on a few dates and we had some real chemistry. We moved in together after six months. He joked that it was like Oscar had divorced parents and we should fix it so he had one whole household. He had beensocharming.” I laugh at myself for falling for that charm.
“We lived together for two years and on the surface, I told myself it was great, but there were things he would do or say that just felt…cruel. I waved them off because I was in love, and they were infrequent enough to be written off as a bad day.
“He proposed to me on the third anniversary of getting Oscar, a few weeks before my thirty-third birthday…and then my diseases started to show. Little at first, just some cellulite on my legs. I’d heard that my skin would get thinner as I aged, and I’d never been skinny like a model, so I accepted it as just a change my body was going through.
“Then I started to get bad acne. No matter how much I cleaned my face, I’d still get pimples at every part of my cycle. I was putting on weight even though my diet hadn’t changed, and I was getting the worst cramps of my life on my period.
“He kept telling me all the things he hated about my changing body, telling me to fix it, and I tried.”
I splash my face and wipe my fingers across my eyes, hiding the tears that no one can see.
“I went to a dietician who told me to cut out meat, so I did. It helped a little with my acne, but my weight got worse. I didn’t know how to eat a vegetarian diet, and I just ended up binging chips when I was really hungry. I exacerbated my own problems because I was uninformed, but nowhere along the way did any of my doctors ever tell me that this mightnotbe a natural part of aging.
“I started going to the gym obsessively even though I was exhausted, and I was getting stronger, but not leaner. I put myself on a strict caloric diet…and then my hair started falling out.”
I rub the smooth skin of my scalp. I always part my hair differently when I wear it down now, so no one can see my bald spot.
I scoff. “Well, anyway, it wasn’t just the physical. I was having major depressive episodes, and my sex drive tanked. When I finallystopped forcing myself to put out even when I didn’t feel like it, Jeremy had had enough of my illnesses, and me.”
“Jeremy,” Bastian says each syllable with a deadly growl.
“Yeah, people used to call him Jerry sometimes and he hated it. That’s why I call my bad thoughts Jerry thoughts. They belong to a person who doesn’t love me, whoneverloved me. I was a convenience and a pretty thing to show off, until I wasn’t.”
I wiggle my toes against the edge of the tub, sending ripples out in every direction.
“He’s an imbecile, and not worth the air he breathes,” Bastian says and it sounds strained, through gritted teeth.
“I know,” I say.
“But you don’t believe it,” he says. “I can feel your heart, Cait. You shame yourself for a disease you could not control. You judge yourself so harshly when you’ve taken every step you could to find healing.”
My throat tightens and tears sting my eyes again as I whisper, “Yeah, I know.”
“You deserve so much better, and not because of your weight, or your hair, or whether you’re happy enough. Those things have nothing to do with it.”
The water splashes around me as I quietly heave my sorrows into my cupped hands.
“Do you want me to kill him?”
I gasp. “What? No!”
“I think it would be best if I killed him.”
I roll over and grab the edge of the tub. “Why?”
“Well, if I kill Jeremy, your Jerry thoughts can die with him,” he says so plainly, as if it makes perfect sense.
“I don’t think it’ll work that way.”
“Hmm, you’re right. The magic can persist even after death. We’ll have to reverse his incantations first, then kill him,” he says, sounding way too into this idea.
