Jenny
For so long I have held in my feelings. I have suffered in silence hoping he would see me... so for him to show up here all frazzled and possessive?
Nope.
Not tonight.
I chased him out the door, my feet instantly feeling the cold cement as I charged the parking lot looking for his Jeep. He was almost to it and thebeep beepsignaling he had unarmed the alarm had me in a full fledge run. I grabbed a hold of his jacket and screamed his name so he would hear me over the rain that was belting the tin roof of my parking lot.
He mistook the fire in my eyes for sexual heat and pins me to the back end of his Jeep, his mouth on mine again.
The kiss was aggressive and full of everything that I ever wanted from him, but I was too mad and it fueled my anger.
I push him off me, feeling the loss of his lips and for a split second I almost caved. I wanted this man. Every breath, moan and word he had for me. I wanted it all, but I wanted it on my terms for once.
"Stop it!" I yell and push him from me.
He spins back from me and roars into the night before he looks at me, that anger a live wire as it mixed with the sexual frustration we both felt. He slams me harder against his Jeep again, lifting me and coming at my mouth with a ferocious intent.
I can barely move or think straight. Fuck, I just want it over. I want to be one without the history and the anger, I want him to love me.
The thought is like being choked and I feel my tears burn my eyes and fall. I fight him, his very hold on me like a brand. "Stop, Cal!" I scream and he shakes his head no and grips my chin in his hand forcing me to look at him.
"No, Jen I am done fighting this. This shit is eating me up." He slants his mouth to mine again and every instinct I have says to just calm down, go slack and don’t fight. I have been here before and the minute his hand grabbed my jaw I checked out.
Thoughts were a rush through my mind as I fought them, trying to be still. I had pushed him to this hadn’t I? Had he pushed me to twist him up like this? I couldn’t explain to him my suffering in it all. I couldn’t hear his suffering either. We both wanted a past erased that we never would be able to delete.
Instead he has become a savage and I a victim.
As if the knowledge hits him with the force of a heavy weight boxer, he pulls back, dropping me from his arms and steps back, looking at me with a horrified truth. I was comforted by that look for simple fact that he knew he went too far.
We are both staring one another down, breathless- but not from passion. We were both terrified of how far it just went. "I can’t do this Jenny." He looks at his hands, they are shaking and I know he hates himself right now.
Good.
He spins from me and roars again and I watch as my neighbors flip on balcony lights and peer through their blinds. "Calm down!" I yell and make the first move to go to him. Not to comfort him, but in hopes I could calm him.
Cal wasn’t violent or a bully and I know, without knowing, that this was a culmination of the twenty plus years between us coming to a head.
We both caused it and though he went too far, I will accept that I did push him to it. It does not make it okay and I won’t excuse it. There is no need for forgiveness because we have officially destroyed anything positive between us.
This was a true end and my heart broke for Axe. He would soon pay the price for the fact his father and I couldn’t even be in the same room any longer. We both failed him in letting our shit fester. "That." He yells and points toward the Jeep he had just pinned me against. "Should never have happened. None of this should! Don’t you fuckin get that?" He is yelling and I am crying and this is going nowhere, but I want to fight. I need this fight.
I deserve a life outside of Cal Dorian and the Thick as Thieves and the world I left behind. I just wanted a simple life and the love of my son. The rest had too steep a price.
"I get it!" I yell through chattering teeth and wipe the rain and tears from my face. "But you came hoping to force a reaction and I can’t give you the one you want."
He steps close to me and I flinch. I see him pause when I do and I see the look of shock on his face. "I would never hurt you Jen. I can’t explain or excuse the aggression that hit me when I saw you coming after me. I took the wrong signal."
He takes his coat off and hands it to me.
"I know you won’t hurt me. It's why I went limp in your arms." I try to reason and calm my racing heart as more tears fall.
"No excuse for it." He laughs without humor as he says it. He opens the door to the Jeep and slides behind the driver’s seat.
I nod in agreement and go to the door and try to find words to explain. "I feel like we need this Cal. We need this fight." I say, but my words come out wrong and I know it when I see the look on his face.
"Are you fucking mental? I just had my hands all over you. Without. Your. Permission!" He spoke through his teeth as he said it and all I can do is nod again. I have so much to say, but I am too overwhelmed to form the right words.
