She looks at me then, frustrated and hurt. I can see it and I know it hurts her when I go caveman. I do this shit to her too often. I give an inch and get her in my sights then I am pulled twelve back. Whether it be band business, our son or even Tay more often than I would like to admit. But, something always gets in my way and now it's this new guy.
Tay toyed with me once making me think the other guy in her life was my friend Sully and it made me mad with jealousy. It was never Sully though, she was fucking Robert Black the head of our one-time label. For months she fucked him behind my back until that Thanksgiving over a year ago.
It was then my world tilted on its axis for the eleventeenth time.
But it is also what lead me here and I want answers.
I press my body against hers, letting her feel all of me. My heat, my breath and my now hardening dick. Let her deny me now that I am in her face.
It hits me then that I would never impose on Tayla the way I do Jen. We would fight and fuck, but it was never a need like this. I crave Jen like a junkie to his pipe. I cannot get enough of this drama. This need and desire. It is the most intense thing I have ever experienced and the shit turns me on.
"Pick me..." I say and try to kiss her but she pushes me back.
"Pick you?" She almost screams and I jump back from the contempt in her voice. I opened a wound somehow and I immediately hate myself for doing it. But she is infuriating in her rage and it pisses me off.
"Yeah!" I yell getting just as pissed off as her. "Pick me and stick around this time instead of chasing after some fucking British smurf!"
She looks at me like I am crazy, and honestly where she is concerned I am fucking certifiable. "I stuck around God dammit, and that hurricane you keep running into ruins any chance!" She screams and slams her hand on the counter. "Any chance!"
Tears stream down her cheeks now and I am floored by the accusation and disregard her pain. "I have never went looking for her, she crawls to me for answers and it takes everything in me not to kick her when she is down!" I yell and push from the counter, grabbing her wrists and pressing her to the ugly ass fridge. "I don’t want her."
I try to cup her face in my hands but she turns her head and slaps my hands away. "Yes! You do!" She starts to sob and I step back, lost and thrown by her words.
It isn’t that she said them, they are words and I can roll them off. It's that she knows they have truth in them. Some sick and twisted part of me still wanted her, for months. I have no answers.
"I have given you space. I wanted for you to come to terms on your own, but I can’t watch it anymore. I waited for you Cal, waited for you to see me and you never saw me. You saw bits and pieces of this new me and confused it, twisted it into some redemption love spell so you could sleep at night knowing you wanted to fuck me..."
I am still reeling from her statement before, but what she thinks and what is are two different things. I realize the fight I have had with myself over her and Tay and my place in it all is one I have no handle on.
None.
"I know I fucked up Jen." I can hear my voice cracking and I need to get my shit together quick.
She nods but is cold and detached. "It's fine." She says and wipes her cheek. "We can’t ever do this, this fighting and angry sex thing whatever it is. I own what happened last year on Christmas, I wanted it as much as you did and its buried now. Axe needs us to be the strong and ever stable parents he deserves. He is the best surprise of my life, but I didn’t choose you any more than you did me. This thing between us chose us and honestly it’s like the worst too be continued ever."
I can feel my eyes burn with unshed tears at her words. They piss me off for equal parts truth and bullshit. Both are present in that speech. "I am here now Jen, right fuckin now." I slam my hand on my chest trying to impact what I feel and the flurry of it all in my chest.
I take a deep breath and close my eyes; my next words are the truth she needs and the rest of this shit was hopeful filler. It is right now that matters. "I fought like hell to win Tay. I ate shit and I kissed her ass endlessly and there is no way you can possibly understand the lengths I went to learn it was all just a fallacy. I won’t,will notdo it again. If you don’t want me- fucking look me in the eye and tell me that shit, but don’t wrap it up in bullshit and try to see if Ill notice the lie. You don’t want me Red, I’m gone."
She looks at me, tears rimming her eyes and I have no clue if I made a huge mistake or not.
She places her hand on my cheek and steps up, close...so close. Her hand cups my neck and pulls me to her lips. She kisses me softly, like a lover too scared to admit its love. Once, twice and pulls back after the third and looks me in my eyes.
"I can’t." She says and keeps her eyes on mine.
"Tell me you don’t want me Jenny." I demand, but she shakes her head no.
"I can’t." She says again and I know she wants me, she loves me. I know I burned her, but I just offered the world so it’s a no brainer.
"No drama, no excuses. Yes or no Jen." I cup her face in my hands one last time and I kiss her. I put everything I feel in that kiss. It is hate and love, betrayal and forgiveness. It is everything. I pull back and watch her, breathless as she fights it.
"I can’t..." She almost whispers.
And that’s that.
"Fuck this shit..." I say and storm out her door. I ignored my name being called as I left.
So fuckin done.
