I cannot imagine his pain.
His cries, are sounds I will never forget. The tears I watch fall are the sight so few have seen from this broken man, and it is a vision that I will never recover from. In all my years on this earth, I never thought I would witness pain so fierce that it became deafening.
Cal comes in as do a slew of nurses and Doctors with Chad hot on their heels.“You all need to go.” A nurse tells me and I look at her like she has lost her damn mind. She knows I'll fight her, as do the doctors, and Noah’s doctor steps up to me as the other various staff surround his bed blocking him from my view. “His vitals are all over the place we need to calm him down before he tears his larynx. Go.”
“No!” I yell and shake the Doctor. off my arm.
“Shame?” Chad says and I can hear his tears and I know he asking me to move and let them help Noah. I don't see his tears though, because I am watching Noah, his fingers grasping at my wrist, terrified that I am leaving him.
“Shame we need to help him.”He says this and looks pointedly at me. He is a bad ass dude this doctor and he knows how concerned we all are. What he is telling me is that Noah is in danger we need to get the fuck out so they can calm him.
I understand this and the good Doc’s reason. But fuck that I am not leaving him. I look to Cal and to Chad and they are right there with me and I know they see where I am coming from. It was Noah trying to scream that took the Doctors attention. “In the corner now and stay out of our way!” He demands and rushes to Noah.
Chad and Cal both rush to me, and though I tried to stay connected to him, to ground him, I lost and was pulled away from him.
I see a nurse loading his IV and know it is about to be sleepy time again. I keep my eyes on Noah’s as I see him fight sleep, tears streaming from them. “I'm here Noah, trust me yeah? I'm here we wont leave.” I say and I am still trying to get to him, Chad has an arm over my Chest and Cal is standing before me. But I can see him and in that stare I promise he is safe.
The room starts to grow quieter as the alarms fade, and I see Noah start to calm.
He is still staring at me, and I see him growing tired and I relax because for now he is safe.
I stand there in the room, as various nurses and doctors leave the room.
And I watch, with Cal and Chad beside me, watch as his eyes close and he is silent.
*
Cassa
I make it back to the hospital with Carrie in record time. Chad called her and told her Noah was awake but not doing good considering he remembers it all and freaked out. Oh fucking God this is so not fair. I think of the only Noah I have ever known. I see him strong and stoic but so dark. I understood the darkness but now I knew he would be in the black. That was something Iunderstood too. It’s a place of hopelessness. If you have been hopeless you can understand my meaning, but if you haven’t then you should hope you never will.
I wait in the waiting room for Shamus to come to me and it feels like hours until I see him. He looks like he crawled out of hell. His face is ashen, his eyes are dark with circles around them. He has a two day growth of hair on his face and his clothes are stretched and wrinkled.
He see’s me and I watch his features crumple as his arms open to envelope me in the saddest embrace of my entire life.
“Carrie is here?” He asks me and I nod as tears escape my eyes.
“She came with me. We were with Candey's mom when Chad called.”
He nods and takes my face in his hands and looks at me the most intense look of our relationship.“You need to understand in anyway it’s easiest baby, that I cant live without you.” His voice cracks and I watch him fall apart as he fights to tell me what he is feeling. My own tears are falling at seeing my Shame, so strong and full of love and life, broken by the tragedy. “I just watched the realest most horrific thing in my entire life. I told my best friend that the love of his life is indeed gone and never gonna be back.” He shakes his head as if trying to clear the memory. He looks at me and points to the door leading to Noah. “I just confirmed his worst fucking nightmare baby and I cannot fathom that pain. I watched him fight that truth with everything he had and it did no good.”
His voice is shaking and I know the loss of sleep and the pain of seeing what I can only imagine as horror I know he is simply lost right now.
I will be his anchor in this. I swear it to myself as he holds me close and cries against me. “I have you baby.” I whisper and it is my strongest promise. “I have you and I am going nowhere.”
He nods letting me know he hears my vow and takes a deep breath.“I know in the realm of everything that is so fucked up this will sound insane but, marry me baby. Right now. Lets hit the courthouse and get married.”
I look at him like he has lost his mind because duh he has lost his mind.“Shame I know this is hard and we are all hurting, but baby now isn’t the time.”
“Why? Tell me why because all I can think is that a year or so ago that could have been Noah telling me you were dead baby and it makes my stomach turn. This shit is very close to home with me and unlike Noah, I can marry you.”
I am floored by the depth of his request and I want him to think of what he is saying.“Baby Noah and Candey weren’t engaged or even close to that sort of commitment. They were up and down and madly in love but”- I stop talking when Shame shakes his head no vigorously.
“That’s it babe. I forgot you don’t know….no one does baby. Remember at the wedding when we were dancing and we watched Noah and Candey hugging and kissing and being in love?”
My chest hurts at the memory of the two of them so completely in love and devoted. I close my eyes and nod because I am beyond words and cant speak through the lump in my throat.
“Baby only I know this but… Noah had just proposed to her and Candey said yes. That’s why they were so fucking happy, and that’s why I know I need to honor that in some twisted fucked up way.”
