Within seconds they are holding me as I sob. Giant waves of sadness wrack my body as the last two days play out in hi-def. I am stronger with them around me and I know this, and so, I let it out. All the rage, all the fear and pain and shame over the last two years… and for the first time I feel all I have lost.
“Ron you were right what you said to me earlier.” I cry and bury my head in my hands.
“I know I was sweetie.” She says and she doesn’t mean it in any way to make me laugh. She wants me to face it all head on and see my strength. “Just let it out Cassa.” She says in her motherly soothing tone I have heard her use countless times on my nephews.
It has been so long since I felt my mother around me, but right then I know she is looking at Roni here with me and is so proud of the woman Mike chose.
“I didn’t deserve this life.” I say and I have never said those words out loud. Somehow or someway I had to have deserved this because I am not Jobe. I deserved growing old with Shamus Devin James. I was never meant to be Cassa Rae Stapleton-Noxx. More words tumble out as I cry. “I deserved to be a mom and he robbed me of that. I deserved to stand up the times I did.” I look at them bawling my eyes out and seeking reassurance. “I didn’t deserve to be beaten and degraded for knowing what he was doing to me was wrong.”
I watch as Candey turns her head, her eyes red and glistening. I know she is trying to not cry. Carrie and Roni are allowing their tears to fall.“No Cass you didn’t deserve it.” Candey says, her voice breaking at my pain, her tears now falling too.
“I should have told Shame about the baby. I should have gone after him and reminded him, he would always be mine. I was so lost though, and then Cory came and made me feel special.” I wipe at my face trying to force my tears to draw back, but they only fall harder. “I missed him so fiercely, with every fiber of my being and I never saw it coming. I was his, ya know? He called me Sassy and Baby and he held me like I mattered. Like I was so important to him he would die before he hurt me. I just wanted that back and I went looking for it in Cory.”
They say nothing, because I am not done freaking out, and they know it.“I was so safe with Shame and with Cory too, at first. But the minute I lost my baby, it all went away. Shame was gone, long gone, and our baby was too. My baby was all I had left of him and I would have loved it more than anything on this earth.” I clutch at my chest as if trying to hold my heart to keep it from hurting. My other hand folds across my empty womb and once again I feel the scars that remind me I will never hold a child of my own.
Ever.
“After that I just let the cards all fall. In my mind it didn’t matter that I had lied to Cory anymore, because I had paid dearly for it, time and time again. It didn’t matter when he hit me, kicked me, or told me I was worthless… I knew I was.”
“No. Not even Cass. You, never deserved what Cory did! I won’t sit here with you, broken and bleeding your emotions and have you tell me it was okay.” Candey gripped my chin and forced me to look at her. “Do you hear me? It wasn’t okay. None of it.”
Candey is so determined for me to believe and I know that I should. “I just want to rewind and do it different. I would chase Shamus down and tell him he couldn’t leave me. I would plead my case and tell him about our baby.”
“Then plead it now sweetie.” Noah was standing behind us, his arms folded over his chest. He looked intense and angry. “Shame is outside and determined to see you.”
I’m horrified, because he is the last person I want to see right now. I’m far too emotional and hurt to look at anyone, even Noah, right now. “No, I can’t. Sorry, Noah, but I can’t see him right now.”
Candey stands and goes over to him, wiping under her eyes as she go’s. “Babe I sent a text that I would call you later.”
He nods but looks past her to me. I could see the look of hurt on Candey’s face at his obvious dismissal of her and I didn’t want this touching them.
“So what? I'm supposed to go out there and tell him you won't talk to him? Side with you again and leave him completely fucked up again?”
Oh shit! Noah is pissed at me. Not good.
“Hey!” Candey snaps and Noah looks at her.
“What?” He yells back.
Oh fuck this is getting bad.
“She is in a bad place to Noah. Get off her ass!” Candey folds her arms over her chest and stands toe to toe with him, just as defiant.
“Well let’s draw a line in the fucking sand, then!” He yells and runs his hands through his messy blonde hair in frustration. “I’m leaving here and I’m going to Shame. I won't sit back and watch you let him walk willingly this time.” He says to me and points his finger. “I had your back, stood at your side in all of this. I know more about what you went through than your own family knows, so I know you can fucking talk to him. You just won't! I won't wreck this band and all it is to me Cassa. Not over this.”
If it were possible to feel any lower, I didn’t know.
“Jesus fuck, Noah. She said not right now!” Carrie roared and jumped from her chair, mad as hell that Noah couldn’t get it. “She doesn’t want to talk to him right now.” Her voice was calmer now as she looked at him, seeing something in his features that brought her anger to a halt. “Just let her breathe a minute Bubba. I promise she will talk to Shame, we will make her if we have to, but look at her Bubba.” She looks over at me and sees what has to be the saddest sight. “She can't right now, yeah? Trust me?”
Noah watches me for a minute and then looks to Carrie.“Yeah… yeah, trust.” He says and turns to Candey mumbling something only she can hear. Whatever it was softened her immediately and she folded her body into his, kissing his neck and soothing her hand down his back.
“I'll call you later.” He says and kisses her head before turning to me. “I’m sorry I broke up the crying and shit, but I mean it Cass. This shit has to stop. You’re like Yoko right now and we won’t stand for it. He deserves the whole truth, figure it out, or I will.”
Noah left with a quick nod at Ron and Carrie who were still somewhat shocked at Noah’s threat. I waited for the door to close and it’s Carrie who laughs. “Fucking jerk!”
I’m completely numb at this point and let myself fall into the chair by the couch. “No, he isn’t. He is right. I need to talk to Shame I know I do.”
“No, you need to talk to Shamus on your terms Cass, not on Noah’s. I get he is worried about Shamus but enough is enough.”
