“Stop looking at it like it suddenly makes sense. It’s red babycakes and red isn’t pink.” I say this while grabbing her by the shoulders because she looks like she is about to cry. “We can find another dress Carrie. This store has an amazing selection and it’s not like Candey can't wear this dress some other time. It’s beautiful and totally her style. This isn’t a crisis, it just means we need to go shopping.” I smile at this because I am a pro at shopping… and fashion. I may feel a hint of guilt for knowing she was stressed and clearly doing a lot of the wedding plans alone.
“I wanted the dresses to be in your personal styles. I wanted them to be special.” Carrie said and bit her lip, her eyes glistening with unshed tears.
“Like I said, she can wear it to a number of events that the band has and we can find something that is one hundred percent Candey.”
“Yeah Hun, stop worrying over the dress. I love the dress, but I am certain I can find another I’ll love just as much.” She hugs Carrie and I can hear Carrie sigh and I know she has accepted that the dress is a no go.
“Just how much are you doing alone?” Tayla asks her later as we all sit down for lunch. They had all just finished ordering our lunch, salads for all because dress fittings are a bitch on the psyche.
Carrie sighs and sips from her water not looking at any of us.“I guess I'm stressed, but who isn’t? I stress over the money this wedding is costing, over the design. I have this vision in my head, but the vision has a hefty price and so I go a cheaper route and it’s all destroyed.” She looks at us girls and shrugs her shoulders. “I'm starting to think that eloping in Las Vegas would have been a better plan.”
This breaks my heart. Carrie has always had a vision in her mind and that vision is always clouded by her constantly trying to save money. I know that she and Noah ran with a suitcase each and a fifty dollar bill between them, but she was forgetting that she was marrying a very rich and a very devoted Chad Blake. Of all the times she tries to stay within her struggling author budget, now isn’t one of them. I have always respected how Carrie’s independence kept her taking care of Carrie. When Noelle was born, she added the baby in the budget and never once relies on Chad for a spending allowance. I know independence is huge to Carrie, I live in the same frame of mind. But this is her wedding and when it’s over her bank account will multiply by six figures. She should have a blow out and make this wedding all she deserves, all they deserve and not worry about the price. “Carrie why are you trying to save money here? I know you prefer to pay your own way and you’re never the splurge type, but this is your wedding Hun.”
A faint blush covers her cheeks and I seriously see how bad she wants extravagance but is settling for pretty.“Because I never want Chad to see me as frivolous.”
We all gasp and laugh sarcastically at that. Chad see’s her as anything but. What Chad see’s is Carrie and unless you have had love like that it’s impossible to understand what it means. Shamus see’s me and he always has, Cory didn’t and it’s impossible to love again after having loved like that.
“Carrie that is ridiculous.” Tayla tosses her napkin on the table in what looks like anger. “I know for certain Chad has added you to his account and I know for certain you pitched a fit about it. He then tried putting money in your account, money I suspect you haven’t touched.”
“I don’t want his money. Everything in Chad’s world these days is the best of everything. I know I can't give him a five star wedding on my budget but I feel like shit every time I try to splurge.”
“So give me the reins and I’ll spend his money.” Candey said with a wink. Of all the people to hand over control Candey would be the best bet because she knows Carrie inside and out.
“No.” Carrie says adamantly.
“Why honey?” Roni asks and gently rubs her arm.
I knew and I understood before she even gave her answer.“Because I lose that independence I fought blood and bone for the minute we get married and fall into the ‘what’s mine is yours what’s yours is mine’ thing.” She sighs. “What happened between you and Shame?” She looks at me and effectively has Candey and Roni now staring at me for answers.
Oh, that little brat.
I use my fork to move pieces of lettuce around my plate trying to form words. I decide crying is a better option, though because my eyes fill against my protest. I drop my fork and cup my hands over my face, unable to contain my sob.
Within seconds all four of them are surrounding me as I cry in the middle of Chilies. These women are what I need right now to get through this.
“Honey, don’t cry.” Roni says and strokes my back. Carrie and Candey are talking quietly and all I can hear is Carrie saying she is going to nut him the minute he gets off that plane.
I drop my hands and look at them.“No, don’t! God, he tried saving us I was the one destroying us, destroying him every chance I got.”
“What do you mean?” Carrie asks as Candey and Roni right themselves in their seats and Tayla hands me a tissue. I proceed to tell them everything from the night of Jerry’s wake and the mental nose dive I took and how it essentially destroyed any rationality I had.
“I want to ask him why he left me. I want answers so I can figure out how to get passed it.” I groan with frustration and lean back from the table, my appetite gone. “I know he wants answers too…” I look at them shyly because I fear even mentioning Cory. It’s like he has this voodoo pull over me as if I mention him and he will be back to finish his hatchet job on me. It’s why I don’t follow up with his parole board for his early release. I am a chicken shit victim who is waitingand ready to run far away the minute he is released. “I know he wants the details of so many fights and beatings and it’s not something I ever want him to know. So I don’t ask him for answers and it protects me from giving in to his need to know.”
“Sounds like a very vicious cycle honey.” Tayla says and sips from her sweet tea. “Maybe it's best you both have a tell-all session.”
I think of her words, let them soak in and know she is right. I am just getting to know Tayla but I adore her and how sweet she is in a no nonsense, don’t mess with me I’ll eat you alive way. Tay was fierce with the people she cared for and lethal in their defense. It was why she had assisted in making the band as successful as they were. Their talent took them there and now keeps them high on the platform. Tay just makes sure they are remembered long after the show ends.
“You were there through this whole mess Tay… what was he like?” I ask and I know it isn’t fair, I ask her to tell me what I am too afraid to ask Shamus. I see Roni rolling her eyes and I’m taken back by her blatant rudeness, but before I can ask her what’s wrong Tayla is answering me.
“I want to go on record right now that the only reason I’m breaking my cardinal rule by talking about them and their personal life is because I know none of you could or would hurt them and sometimes you need a push to get the answers you seek, but also because I may need your exclusive help in figuring something out myself…” She says the last part very quietly and you can see the slightest bit of sadness in her eyes.
Interesting…
“I didn’t even know he had left you behind honey. I learned a lot over the first year or so after they were signed because of the extremes the guys were taking to keep you safe and Shamus from learning what had happened. What I do know is that he was miserable from the moment I met him, which was about ten days after the guys showed up in California. I was on the bus the day he demanded we pull the bus over on the damn Gig Harbor bridge no less. He stepped off the bus and all of us watched thinking something had happened to the bus. He went to the edge where the fence is and with cars lined behind us and honking, the bus driver demanding he get back on the bus or he would leave him behind…” She pauses in the story and I see a sheen of tears in her eyes and my stomach drops unsure but afraid of where the story is going.
“Cal jumped out of the bus and was trying to pull him back in the bus. Chad was on the steps yelling for him to come back and talk to them. Noah stepped down and told Cal to give them a minute. They talked for a few minutes and I don’t know what was said, but Shame dropped his head to Noah’s shoulder and cried, right there on the bridge. The cops showed up and ticketed him, Noah and the driver for the traffic jam and for stopping on the bridge. When we were getting ready to leave, with cops directing us no less, Shame pulled a black rock or something from his pocket and chucked it over the bridge. Cal told me later that evening when he took me to my hotel, that he learned you had married Cory.”
Oh my God.
