By the time we took off and were relaxed, I sat waiting on someone to talk… and waiting… and waiting. This was not the sister’s style. I called them that, because at times like these, they were just like sisters. Although, the daily, “norm”, they were my brothers. This was how the brothers acted… not the sisters.
The anxiety of talking this shit through was driving me crazy and no way was I about to talk about it first. So there we sat looking at each other waiting for someone to start asking questions. An hour and a half into the flight Cal finally sighs.“What the fuck dude?”
We all start laughing because at least he broke the tension. After laughing, I sigh and shake my head no even though I don’t have an answer. “She’s just been so cold every time we talk. Finally, last night I told her if she slammed the laptop instead of answering my questions that we were done.” I lean back and again I’m shaking my head like that would fix this nightmare. “When she slammed it shut, she told me thanks for giving her a heads up this time or some shit like that.”
I know it was shitty what I did when I left, but I did it swearing to come back! I didn’t get married, I didn’t touch another woman. I focused on the job, practiced until I would pass out and stayed patient waiting for the day I came back to her. She got married not me. It didn’t matter that the marriage was an awful nightmare; she still moved on and did so quickly.
“That was a low blow. Have you guys talked about the first break up?” Chad asked.
“No. Every time I try to broach the subject she gets even colder. I was planning on making us sit and talk this trip home… but now?” I’m looking at Noah because he and Cassa had been close friends since Cory attempted to kill her. I never thought I would need to come to anyone for advice on Cassa, but this proves how distant we truly are.
“I don’t have any answers.” Noah states, but continues to look at me like I know the answer. I don’t know the answer so all I can do is stare back. Finally, he cracks though, and rolls his eyes. “Okay, so look. I don’t know if anything I say is even worth a shit, but I’ll try. I’m basing this off of what I told Carrie when she started dating GQ. We aren’t pimps, but we are in the pussy business. We sing about sex, drugs and rock and roll. We used to throw parties to get laid now we just tell them C’mon if we want them. This life isn’t for the weak and that includes the women we love. Candey without a doubt keeps my bed warm and knows that this is business and I am working when I’m away. Carrie has Noelle to worry over these days, but she was always freaking out about the shit we did and the shit we saw. You and Cass were the strong ones back then… maybe now she’s insecure. Your famous dude, recognizable anywhere. Cass is all about the private and stepping away from the spotlight. She isn’t the same wild and free girl as she was back then.”
I cup my hands over my face and groan into them.“I hate not knowing what happened. I feel like if I knew her situation, why she did what she did… I don’t know. I’m looking for reason and logic through the mind of a psychopath. I can’t figure out why Cory hurt her so bad and I can’t help but feel responsible. I feel like she blames me for it too.”
“I asked Carrie for the details once. I am so glad that she never told me in length of what her life had been like.” Chad looks to Noah, whose eyes go dark, and looks to the ground shying from memories he would kill to forget. “Maybe you’re wanting something from her, she may never be able to give you.”
“Maybe.” I say and lean back to stare out the window. Cal is watching me, reminding me of the night he told me of how bad of shape Cassa was in after the attack. None of it matters though. She’s gone again and I can’t reason anymore.
And since your history of silence
Won’t do you any good,
Did you think it would?
Let your words be anything but empty
Why don’t you tell them the truth?
Say what you wanna say
And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave
With what you want to say
And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave
Sara Bareilles
Chapter Nineteen
Cassa
“So I can't help but think you have a serious misconception of the color pink.” This was Candey who was standing in front of three mirrors and on a platform at Extrav-a-gownza. The store was commissioned to make one of a kind dresses for all of us girls in Carrie’s bridal line. She had wanted us all in different shades of pink as well as different designed gowns. Candey was in a verydarkpink. The chest was dazzled in jewels and sleeveless and short, flowing in sheer. She looked breathtaking, but the color was too far off of the other three dresses that Roni, Tayla and myself were wearing. This was an obvious Carrie moment. Though she loved fashion and all things girly, she had no direction in the matter and the almost red colored gown Candey was donning showed Carrie was in over her head.
“I told you to come with me when I looked at fabric samples. You were busy with my brother doing things I pray you never tell me about. I had to order that day. My wedding is in three weeks and with the guys and Tayla in and out of Washington so much right now, I was left to my own devices.” Carrie was obviously stressed, but I couldn’t help but laugh at her reasoning. The dress was a shade of red when all the others were obvious shades of bright pink. This was what we girls called a ‘Carrie.’
She turned her dagger eyes on me for laughing and shockingly so did Candey.“Don’t laugh little miss ‘my shoes match my belt, my belt matches my purse.’ Candey said and all eyes turned on me.
With a laugh, I can't hide I shake my head.“How the hell is this my fault? You’re the maid of honor. I’m a lowly bridesmaid here for abuse and to do her bidding when you can't be found.”
“Exactly.” Candey said and stepped off the podium, unable to look at the dress anymore. “I was busy. There were things going on that day that required all my attention.”
Candey had started explaining her and Noah’ssexcapades like this because Carrie was constantly begging them to keep things private. This was Candeys way of saying that she and Noah and the non stop mattress mambo were the things going on that day. “Why didn’t you call me then?” I ask Carrie, who rolls her eyes as she fingers the sheer fabric of the dress like she is trying to convince herself it’s the right shade of pink.
