"Jen, you gotta talk to someone about it. I know better than anyone the importance of protecting your mind from that type of ugly. I invented Trust Me so Carrie didn’t hold it in. You can’t continue to function positively in a lie. This will eat you up and spit you out. I never talked about me and I am seriously dark kid, darker than anyone thinks. I don’t want this for you."
I nod and look at him. "Do you ever feel guilt over your dad’s abuse?" I ask.
"All the time. Not for him or for myself, but I have loads of guilt for not being able to stop him from hurting Carrie. I know that I wasn’t able to and I believe that now, but even with that knowledge... that fear will never go away because I was too fucking gone by the time I could have been saved."
I am astonished with the ease he talks to me about his past. I am one of three people he openly talks about it with. So, I show that same trust and tell him my biggest fear. "I believe that it was my fault. I deserved it Noah, for being so desperate to forget my shitty life that I risked it and my child’s by going looking for that trouble. I deserved every cruel word and every painful blow. In that moment I only cared about saving Axe and that I swore to God if he would protect him I would give him to Cal and never look back." I am sobbing as I admit my shame to my closest friend.
Noah looks at me in shock, never knowing what I truly thought in that moment or the deals I made with God. "Jenny..." He says and just hugs me, holding my head to his shoulder. "Honey you need to let this go. This was not your fault. It has nothing to do with God or balancing your good and bad. Nobody, fucking nobody deserves to be hurt and damaged like that. That sort of disgusting hate lies one hundred percent with the four men that destroyed whatever innocence you had left. It wasn’t a choice and nothing you have ever done was deserving of that sort of punishment."
"Axe though, he didn’t deserve a mom who didn’t want him, who almost aborted him. He was neglected, even when I tried my hardest Istillfailed him."
He grabs my face now, almost violently and forces me to see him. "Let this go. Now. Axe has bad hearing because of ear infections not a shitty mom. His eyesight is from Cal's genes. He sleeps in the corner of a bed because he feels safe there, no right or wrong to it. You have to atone for the partying and the drugs and buses and bullshit, even for taking him to that party. But I know shitty parenting Jen and you aren’t in that category. You made some fucked up choices when there were other demons you were fighting and that's what you atone by never letting it take you again. That is how you prove to him that he was loved enough because you changed you and did it with the single-minded intent to be a better mother and a better woman."
"And if Cal takes him away for that mistake?" I asked him my worst fear. Voiced it for the first time ever.
He sighs and I know he is trying to see my fears from my perspective. "Well, if he were that stupid to hurt Axe again then he deserves the ass kicking myself, Shame and Chad would deliver. However, there is a side to Cal that you don’t see very often... But he is far more comforting with the ugly things in this world than one would think. He is unbelievably understanding when someone he loves has been hurt. He might be pissed that he didn’t know, but he will understand, even if it takes him a minute he will not push you away."
"And if you’re wrong?" I ask because I want to believe him but the fear is too strong.
"Then I will beat his ass and come to fix you when he breaks you."
Cal
I get to Noah's new spot early because I need to sit with my pop rockers Bright and Raleigh to get a feel for the music. I trust in them to hear the sound I am going for and direct me who to study up on. I will need some type of training to know how to carry the right tune. There always needs to be a backup, something that intensifies and I do backup with the guys.
Now it is a whole new ball game.
I put Axe on my shoulders and sign in front of him and don’t bother speaking with him on my shoulders. 'We are gonna see Noah and Bright’s house. It's new.'
He taps on my head and I look up to his hands once I lock the newLamborghiniI just bought and decided to keep the Jeep too.
'R-a-l-e-I-g-h?' He asked in ASL.
'Probably pal.'
He claps and I bend down to let him ring the bell.
Bright answers and I am immediately on alarm at the tears in her eyes, but the huge smile and the ridiculous rock resting on her left ring finger tells me all I need to know.
"I see an even bigger celebration is on the horizon?" I say and pull her to me for a hug. "I am so happy for you guys."
"He asked me about twenty minutes ago while I was decorating. From out of nowhere." She says with true glee in her voice.
"Sounds like Noah to not make a big fuss." I say and follow her in the house to congratulate my friend. I never thought I would see this day. He fathers a gay kid that was cut off and thrown away. He agreed to therapy and treatment and somehow by the grace of God he found the strength to say goodbye to Cans and let her rest in peace knowing he was good. He is truly stronger than anyone I know.
I walk into the kitchen to see Noah eating chips with the lime salsa he loves, reading Rolling Stone and acting like he didn’t just change their life and future. He is secure in the choice and that’s all that matters to him.
Raleigh however came bounding down the stairs in black skinny jeans rolled at the bottom, suspenders with a white button up and floral bow tie. How he pulls that off and manages to look awesome is beyond me. "Momma and Daddy are getting married." He sings as he skips into the kitchen.
We know his personality and his jokes and I think most of it is to annoy Noah for attention. Noah spoils him though. I think he relates to the not being wanted thing, but despite his annoyance he adores Ral and cares for him the same way he does Carrie.
"I heard." I say and hug the blubbering mess of man. "I take it you’re on board?"
I laugh as he screams. "Yaaaaas!Ohmigawd, for real."
"Go play with your shoes until you calm the fuck down." Noah says and smiles when Ral pouts.
"Not happening. I need to hear this story again." He says and grabs Axe from my shoulders as I sit.
