There's a shadow just behind me,
Shrouding every step I take,
Making every promise empty,
Pointing every finger at me.
Waiting like a stalking butler
Who upon the finger rests.
Murder now the path of "must we"
Just because the son has come.
TOOL
Chapter Fifteen
Cassa
I walked into the bar and waited for Shamus. We drove separately because Shamus went to meet the guys in Seattle to try to mend the wounds I forced on them. I spotted Carrie, Candey and Roni and Mike all sitting at the table by the stage. Howies was run down and most of the tables had seen better days, the chairs too. The walls were lined with various sports memorabilia as well as local fisherman photos and trinkets. Shame had paid to hold the wake here offering Howie the money he needed to fix the place up. Howie refused to charge for the renting of the bar. He like most the town of Gig Harbor had loved Jerry. The place was packed tonight and security had been called in to help manage the chaos.
My main issue withfangirlsand even somefanguys, was that they didn’t know their place. Shame, shouldn’t have to worry about the fans bombarding him as he gives his dad a farewell. News had broken that Shamus James dad had passed away and there had been a line of paparazzi and fans outside Howies since last night.
Making the chaos worse was word that the guys would be playing in honor of Jerry and everyone wanted a free show. They were all leeches. I didn’t care if they made Shame and the guys rich by buying the albums. Everyone deserved peace and quiet when they were grieving. The guys ‘die hard’ fans didn’t give a fuck who was hurting, not at the chance of a picture, a touch or an autograph that they could brag about onFacebookortwitterlater.
“Can you believe this shit?” I ask the girls and look around the almost packed bar. The best thing about small towns is everyone knows everyone, so at least the faces in the bar were friendly.
“Yeah sweetie, we can.” Candey said and sipped from some frutie-froo-froo drink. “We have seen it everywhere they go.” Carrie nodded in agreement and Roni just shrugged. Unlike me, they have seen the scene before and have been living it alongside Noah and Chad since the day they made it big. I always changed the channel when TAT was on the TV. I never read magazines or read up on the news online. If it had involved TAT, IE: Shamus, then I ignored it. If it was big news or congratulatory then Candey and Carrie filled me in. I had stayed far away from any information on them, even though they were my very family and a part of my daily life.
I never claimed to make the right choices or that the ones I did make sense.
Carrie was twisting the napkin in her hands waiting for Chad to make his way inside. “I hate when it’s hyped up like this.” She said as I took a seat beside her.
“It’s ridiculous.” I agreed.
“I think it’s kind of amazing though.”
“Carrie, he deserves to mourn with family and friends, not the world. Some shit needs to be sacred.” I would stand by that and not yield. Some things were simply private.
“I agree. But Cass, they gave up the right to piss and moan about it when they decided to become stars.” Roni leaned forward and reached for my hand, but I moved not wanting to acknowledge her. My attention was on Carrie. “I do agree that privacy and respect should be given, but for them it involves security and the fact that even though those fans aren’t inside, they know damn well that the guys are and that what is taking place is private. Someone will talk to the press, another someone will take pics and sell them and like all the other private and personal moments these guys have, will be plastered on TMZ and Us magazine by the weekend’s end.”
Before I could reply with something along the lines of“That’s bullshit” Carrie’s phone started ringing. Candey had turned in her chair to talk to one of Jerry’s friends and that left me with Mike and Roni who were both salivating to know what happened after I left last night. They must not remember that I am still mad at them right now.
. I would not be lectured tonight either and I would not waste a second of Jerry's wake on my worthless insane ex. Maybe I was a fool, maybe I should always fear him, but in the end Shamus had made me feel free for the first time and it was a feeling I wasn’t in a hurry to step away from.
I caught Roni looking at me, her earlier glee replaced now with sadness from my silence and the cold shoulder. I looked at Mike, who was still pissed and I rolled my eyes. Roni was a different story, though. She was the captain of the cheerleaders for life and happiness and allthings good. Seeing her sad and worried broke my hearts. I looked at Roni and that simple look spoke volumes and it all became water under the bridge. I walked to the opposite side of the table and hugged her close. "I refuse to talk about this. I know you guys care and love me, but it is my life and I won’t be bullied any longer. I love you both and I am dropping it OK."
"Sure Sass, whatever." But Mike said he was angry and he would have to deal with it. Roni hugged me tight and reassured me how much Mike loved me and his concern… blah. I know it already, but I bite my tongue.
A swarm of headlights… and then a swarm of screaming women started chanting TAT and I knew my boys had arrived. A dozen flashes started going off and then the swarm of people were in hysterics. I followed Mike and Howie to the door and my heart stopped. Stepping out of the limo was Shamus. His head was covered by hisFox sportsand jeans with a pair of dark sunglasses over his eyes and a sports coat… to dress it up. He looked a mixture of sexy and sad, but managed to make it look flawless and all rock star. He walked quickly stopping every five or so people to sign autographs before reaching the door. Behind him were the guys who let Shame lead the way. He was usually the straggler, the guy behind the rest, but tonight the guys were at his back and the symbolism wasn’t lost on me.
He stepped into Howies and left the swarm and the rock star outside. He walked straight to me and took my hand in his. "Hi baby." He said, but was cautious with his display. "Come with me." His smile still on his face, he pulled me to the back of the bar where there were no windows, just cases of liquor and kegs waiting to be tapped.
"Welcome to my world." He said with an edge in his voice. He reached in his pocket and took out his cell. When the other end answered Shamus's face changed immediately. "I told you NO Drew, this is my Fathers fucking wake."
I watched Shamus's face turn from mad to fury as he listened to the other end of the line. "No this shit better stop, I say no to something I fucking mean it." He ended the call before turning and throwing the phone against the wall, breaking a few bottles of wine in the process. I flinched and backed up by the door, my concern for him became fear the instant he threw the phone. I had my hand on the door knob when he placed his arms on the shelving unit holding bottles and bottles and bottles. His forearms flexing as he gripped the shelf. I could see he was trying to contain himself, but my need to run was overwhelming. I was about to bolt out the door when it opened from the other side, forcing the bottled up fear inside to release in a scream.
