Unable to control the beast inside me that he had awoken, I sidled up close to his body, pressing my breasts into his back I reached around and clasped my hands on his stomach. I placed a gentle kiss between his shoulder blades before resting my cheek to his skin. Fuck he smelled good and the water on his skin tasted like ambrosia. Suddenly I had no fear, no rules I felt like we needed to follow. The Cassa that Shamus remembered would say what was on her mind. I am still that girl, I still want to say things I just stop myself out of fear. I had no fear right now though. This is Shamus and even though he left me, I know now for whatever reason he did it because he loved me.
Twisted I know, but he had yet to explain his reasons. He was dealing with enough right now and my need to know something else was jumping to the head of the“I’ll ask Shame later” list.
"Love me ha?" I said knowing he would smile. I let my fingers tickle along the arch that I knew was above his belly button and waited for his reply.
"Yeah I always have though. I just realized that it needed to be said."
"Well I don’t think there is much speculation here but just in case, I love you too. I never stopped." I felt the need to explain myself to him. I was married for the longest year of my life and he deserved to know it was him I was trying to forget.
"I know it seems like I stopped loving you Shame but really I was trying to move on, I did the best I could have in my situation. I swear not a single day went by that I didn’t long to hear your voice or pray you would come save me. I knew the chances were next to impossible but it doesn’t change how I longed for you." He had turned to face me when I said I loved him and thesmall sad smile on his lips told me everything I didn’t say he knew anyway. “I lost myself in the process of trying to hang on to you. What I went through…” I bit my lip and turned my face ashamed of what he would see in my eyes. His fingers grasped my wet chin as he lifted my face. I kept my eyes closed trying to keep my tears in. “Stop…” I whispered on a cry before I felt his lips drop a sweet kiss to each closed lid.
“Look at me baby.” He whispered, his hand had been on my hip but was now stroking along the center of my back. “Please baby. Look at me,seeme.”
When I looked up I saw that same chiseled jaw, the high cheekbones and cupids bow mouth. His eyes were dark and glazed over with emotion. “I won’t leave you again baby. I’ll never walk away from you again. There is nothing that you could ever do to make me leave. You can fight me and scream and yell, baby, you could hate me and I’m still never leaving you again. I don’t think you understand the gift you gave me showing up here. I know you crawled out of hell Cassa, on broken and bloody knees. I know I wasn’t here to keep that fate from finding you and that’s something I need to come to terms with. I will babe, in time. Right now though…” He trailed off when he pulled me in close pressing our chests together. His chin rested atop of my head where we stayed for a few precious seconds. He kissed the crown of my head and pulled back enough to look at me once again. “Right now I need you babe, to hold my hand and help me say goodbye to my dad.”
Tears rolled with abandon from my lids when he said those words. I loved Jerry deeply but no matter how much I loved him, he wasn’t my father. I buried my parents at a young age, my baby brother too and that pain is a dull knife that just keeps cutting with no closure in sight. Shame admitting to needing…anything emotionally was an enormous gift. One I had always cherished. “I’ll be right beside you as long as you need me to be.” I meant those words as if my hand were resting on the Holy Bible.
“Forever baby. I’ll always need you Sassy.”
I didn’t want the moment to end, but the water was getting cooler by the second and we needed to get ready for the wake. Shame handed me the loofah and his body wash,Axe,of course and I rolled my eyes. “I need to shower in my girly stuff Shame. I am not going to your dads wake smelling like-“ I read the bottle and gave an even deeper eye roll- “Phoenix. Really?”
He shrugged and smiled his everyday cocky grin that made me weak.“It smells good and it’s a deodorant too. I sweat a lot baby.”
I laughed and used a small amount to get clean. I watched as he squeezed a glob on his hand and scrubbed it over his barely there hair.
"What’s with the shaved do here Shame?" I had wondered why he shaved it so close to nothing was left.
"I'm a rock star baby, this is rock star hair." He said it with that damn wink that I hated because all the girls loved it… even though it brought me to my knees.
"That is still so crazy Shame. You are a rock star. You made your dream come true." I smiled.
"It’s definitely unbelievable. I still feel like I need to pinch myself sometimes." He turned the water off and stepped from the shower, before grabbing a towel and helping me out of the tub and bundling me against his chest. "I can’t wait for you to meet the rest of us.”
Us was the label and management team as well as the guys personal security and roadies. From what Chad and Noah had told me, TAT was now a big ass family of rockers.“Candey talks non-stop about Drake.” I said referring to the guys head of security. Knowing he was bound by contract to give Shame any details he wanted or needed meant I hadn’t wanted to meet him.
“Yeah we all know and it pisses Noah off. He tolerates Drake but Noah being Noah, he treats him like a bitch and refuses his services.” Shame put paste on his tooth brush and started brushing his teeth while digging in a drawer until he found a brand new brush and handed it to me. Spitting he looked at me, “Brush away baby.”
I didn’t want to know why he had extra new brushes hanging around but I assumed it was for his hometown visits withfangirlslike Brit. “Get out of your head baby. I know what you’re thinking and your right, but the only tooth brushes in here from now on are ‘ours’. Capeche?”
I blushed like a complete dork. “Capeche.” I replied and started brushing my teeth. This felt normal and I really liked normal. “So when will I meet them all?” I asked through my own mouth of foam, biting back a smile at the normal joy most people experience daily.
"Tonight. They flew in this morning and are coming to the wake to pay their respects. They all knew him and respected him." A sadness crept back in behind his eyes that I caught before it flashed away as quickly as it came.
"Jerry would have liked that. He loved making new friends." I watched him nod along to my words but I don’t think he felt them. "So when do you go back?" I asked the inevitable question that I needed to know but also one that wouldn’t bring that lost look in his eyes.
"We find out tonight. Tayla our manager will have the PR dates tonight but most the trips are short and it only lasts about three months." He was immediately more comfortable as he turned and opened the medicine cabinet and took out his shaving kit. "Drew is my PR Rep and before we even leave he lines up all the appearances. Letterman, and this year he booked us for Ellen." He watched me through the mirror as I brushed my hair and the smile on his lips told me he liked normal too.
I however was completelyfangirlingat the thought of Shame hanging with Ellen. Wanting to play it cool and flip out about it at home in the privacy of my room and Candey and Carrie to scream with, I went on as if unfazed by the awesomeness of that.
"So how long do the tours go for?" I didn’t want to be a sour puss but after two years of no Shamus, I wasn’t ready to let him go just yet, I wanted time....more time to be his again. Time to be me again.
He caught the sadness when I spoke, I could see it in his eyes and the way he set his razor down and wiped his face off. He stepped behind me and slid his arms against my tummy. "Hey,” he whispered and nuzzled into my neck. “I will fly you to me when you’re free and I will be back here in between appearances." He held my gaze, both of us looking in the mirror.
"I just… I'm not ready to let you go yet." I choked on the words while trying to hold back my tears.
"Why don’t we wait until tonight and see what the dates are before we start missing each other okay?" He kissed my lips softly and cupped my cheek. “Besides he knows that Carrie is in wedding mode so none of the trips will be crazy long so Chad can be here to chill her out.” He laughed and I did too knowing Carrie was stressed to her max knowing the wedding was so soon.
I smiled and let him think I was comforted but I feared my happiness would be short lived.
