"I am many,manyfucking things but a liar ain't one. I have had to wake enough women in my bed to know when they fake asleep in hopes of staying."
She rolls her eyes and I know I got her, hook line and sinker. "Suck it up buttercup, you crave me just as much as I do you. I don't have anything to give you though Bright. My heart isn't in my possession right now." Chad and Cal move from in front of me, knowing I am calming out, but Shame stays at my hip. "I gave it away and I can get it back." Tears fill my eyes out of shame, ah but I won't let them fall.
Fuck that.
Hell no.
Shame, because I want something so much that I will never get back. "I wish I could, I do. I hate hurting you, but I will because I ain't got shit else to offer."
"Bro lets go man." Shame says and clasps my shoulder and I turn to leave, done fighting a war impossible to win.
I hear her run behind me, her fucking notebook, ever present in her hand as we talk. She takes notes on everything I swear, but this time it pisses me off. She doesn’t need to take notes on this. It's raw pain, plain and simple.
"So you want me but can't have me? Is that it?" She doesn’t sound hopeful, she sounds resigned.
I turn to look at her, fuck it let her see the broken man she craves. "I keep what I need doll, and I can't need you." I say and try to walk away.
"Yeah? Well good luck with that Noah, I am the girl you can't forget. I'm under your skin and you ignoring me and treating me like shit proves I'm right. You're fucked unless you fire me." She cocks her hand on her hip, hoping I'll send her packing.
"I won't fire you Bright. Try your best but it won't matter."
She watched me walk away with the guys, but I heard her last words loud and clear. "We'll see."
Bright
I grabbed my Chanel No 5 and sprayed it along my neckline. Tonight I wore a denim skirt that was torn and faded with my brown and gold buckle strappyFerragamossandals. My tank top was shredded and said Thick as Thieves across the front and the back had tour dates and "Into the Fray Tour" on the back. I figured Noah would get a kick out of it and smiled to myself, faltering when I am reminded for the millionth time today that we are avoiding one another like the plague. I wore my hair down and straight tonight because Carrie told me in confidence he'd said something recently about it down and straight. I keep thinking about all this meaningless shit like my shirt or my hair, none of it matters.
I have a job to do and I will do it and hopefully leave it all behind without damaging myself permanently.
Who am I kidding? I am a shitty sponsor, like for real. And he is making me kinda psycho.
Here I am four years celibate and lately I feel like a cat in heat the way I want him. Don't get me started on that dry humping fiasco that he refuses to acknowledge; that I refuse to let hurt me anymore. I know he would be a one night deal, and I know it would be yummy and so good. I know, because I had a glimpse. One I get off on every night since.
I knew that had we gone through with pure sexual need and had sex, things would be more awkward than they were before. No these last three weeks have been an experiment in restraint. Restraint from walking in to his room at night naked and telling him I couldn’t take it anymore. The only reason I didn't was the endless bounty of fangirl pussy he was drowning his sorrows in. You would think I would tell myself what a dick he is and stop caring so much, but apparently wanting someone you can't have makes the need all that stronger. Besides all hope died last night. I shiver reminding myself that he wanted a fight and I gave him one and I can't think about it or dwell on it now.
So instead I'll do anything and everything I can to make him crazy for me.
Bitchy?
Absolutely.
Fair?
Not even a little, and it would most likely bite me in the ass just as it did last night.
"Hey sweetie you ready?" Carrie yelled from the front of the bus. I stepped out into the hall and flipped the light off. She whistled low and shook her head. "You are asking for trouble."
They all know what happened last night, but Carrie and Cassa applauded my torturing him into submission and they guys …well they don't.
I laugh and spin once letting her take in the site of my outfit. "Is this shirt too much?" I ask and finger the hem waiting for her approval.
"No I wear mine all the time. I have more TAT swag and clothing than I know what to do with."
I reach for my clutch, my VIP badge and the keys to the bus before locking up behind me. "By Stu." I say and kiss our guard on the cheek before following Carrie to meet up with the rest of the girls.
"I see you were listening when I said he liked your hair down." She says and looks down the alley before we sprint across to where the bus is waiting. Usually they park side by side, but this venue needed them split to get the trailers with the equipment in for docking. The fact that meant that Noah and I were farther from the rest only had me wishing I could use that advantage screaming all night in bed and not in a screaming match like last night.
"I enjoy him looking yes. That's all though, I'm not a masochist." Carrie and Cassa know all the gory details after my cry fest once he left with Shame.
