Tears dripped from my eyes at the memory and I thanked God for that woman every day and the years I got with her. I don't know why now of all the times to think of her I did, but I did and I knew keeping my mouth shut was best.
“What?” Cassa asked nervously, her fingers knotted together as she twisted and pulled them, just as nervous as me it seemed. Unlike me, she had four years to get used to this bullshit story that was still about to get worse.
“Just go on.” I said through my pain, no longer giving a shit if she saw how bad this was killing me.
“We went to Vegas that weekend and eloped. We spent the weekend in our hotel suite as I played the happy wife when he was around, but at night I would cry myself to sleep. I was nine weeks along when I lost the baby.”
All that I heard was dead. My baby is dead. I buried my head and Sass paused in the story. I didn’t even look at her, my head hanging low I sniffed and cleared my throat. “Just continue.”
She was silent for a second but cleared her throat as well before she continued.“I figured it had been the stress from my depression but the Dr. told me it was common for someone my age to miscarry the first time. I had only been married for two weeks when I miscarried. Cory started changing then, he was sad at first saying he wanted to start trying the minute we got the OK. I fought him on it, saying that I wasn’t ready to be a mom and that maybe we should actually date. He called me stupid and I swear to God, my instinct was to file for an annulment. There was this tone in his voice that pinched at me that he was dangerous. I never brought it up again, but things just kept getting worse.”
“Worse how?” I asked with a hollow pain that was evident in my tone. I just didn’t want to hear anymore. In less than an hour I had learned Cassa almost died. That in her heartache when I left her she married another man trying to forget me and that she was pregnant with my baby. My baby that died and I never knew a thing about that child and was now mourning the loss of something I would have loved.
I was furious at Cassa but this guilt outweighed it by a ton, so I just sat there hearing her tell me more about the nightmare she obviously lived in.
“He started making small demands at first and they were weird. If I drank a beer he would get mad and tell me that white trash drank beer, and we were not trash. If I wanted to go out with the girls he would pick a fight with me to ruin my night and if that didn’t work he started listing all the qualities about them that he hated. Qualities that didn’t exist outside of his own conclusion. Eventually he started keeping tabs on me. He wouldn’t let me work or visit your dad. He barely let me see Mikey. He found out I had been sneaking out to visit your dad and help him when he was too drunk. That was when he started hitting me.”
Fuck!
“I still went like a fool I would go when he called and I tried to make sure Jerry never knew what I paid to see him. I was too addicted. Every time I would go there I would find a piece of you. I would catch the scent of you or see a new picture… It became my lifeline. I was obsessed with the mess I had made of my own life so I swore to fix Jerry’s. Then he started to ask questions about my bruises and split lips. I evaded his questions and he finally stopped asking me. We were broken together and that’s why we were so close. You were gone and we both needed you to fix ourselves. But we had our pride and so we went everyday pretending nothing was wrong.”
She looked at me and gasped when she saw the tears in my eyes.“If I had known?” I choked trying to gain my composure. Emotion had been a bitch for me my entire life, yet, it seemed now it was all bubbling to the surface. I didn’t like expressing emotion let alone showing it, it was just too far out of my comfort zone. Moments like these when my guard was down were few and far between, but I had never been able to hide from Cassa.
She nodded in response but didn’t make a big deal about my emotional display and I appreciated and loved that she knew it was killing me to break apart in front of her.
“One night Cory and I were in separate rooms watching TV when the phone rang. He gave me permission to answer the phone but only because he was in the bathroom. Luck would have it that it was Dr. Baker telling me Jerry had been in a wreck. I didn’t think when I grabbed my purse and keys and ran. I was so scared he was going to die that getting to him was worth whatever repercussion I would face. Even now I don’t regret leaving that night. It was the end one way or the other.”
Whatever she was about to tell me was key here. My Sassy began pacing the room again and she was keeping her distance from me.“Cory went looking through my things trying to find out where I’d gone. I was always supposed to leave a note and in the rush I forgot. That note would have changed everything, I was so stupid.” She started shaking her head like she was still battling the decision to leave without an explanation. It was hard as fuck watching her berate herself over something she couldn’t change.
“He rummaged through my drawers when he came upon a letter I had written to you after you left. I was so stupid to have kept it, but it was all I had left to remind me of why I was in the situation I was in. I had read it to myself so many times the paper was creased and torn along the lines where it had been folded a dozen or more times.” Cassa stopped and walked down the hall to her bedroom and came back with a blood stained sheet of paper.
“I still keep it and read it sometimes. I don’t know why but it helps me when I get scared that I’ve ruined my life. You should read it; it’s about time. The rest you can put together.” Cassa handed me the letter. It was protected by plastic with an orange label on the top that read Evidence Exhibit E.
She stepped outside and sat on her balcony and left me alone with the only answer she was giving me.
*
Shamus
I looked around the apartment. She had bars on her windows though she was on the highest floor. Her doors had three deadbolts and chain locks. Her windows were covered in blinds and curtains and she had covered her fireplace with a book shelf. She was so afraid of someone getting in her house she went as far as to block out fucking Santa Clause. The thought repulsed me. She was scared to death and while she was made a beaten prisoner I was off touring the world making my dreams come true, whining about missing her. If I was a man with dignity and pride I would have come for her and confessed my undying love. I would have saved her. I couldn’t sit here looking at this apartment, knowing even a fraction of the hell she lived, knowing the people closest to me knew and hid it from me. This apartment is Candey’s too, and Cass’ fear has dug its claws in so far that Candey clearly lets her live in this state of constant fear. Allows it knowing full well I or Noah or any other mother fucking member of TAT would pay for the security.
My own anger was getting the best of me and I needed the answers now. I couldn’t wait any longer so I opened the letter. The first line put a lump in my throat.
Her beautiful script was about to unleash hell on my heart.
Shamus,
I…fuck! I don’t know how to write Shame. Carrie is the writer, I take pictures and make my point through a lens. I don’t know what I assume this letter is going to do for me, other than taking the advice of Carrie and Noah and agreeing that I need to unload this shit from inside of me before I let it consume me.
I’m pregnant Shame, and the kicker is, I’m carrying your baby, our baby. I don’t think I will ever come clean though, I can never tell you what we created just nights before you left me behind.
No word
No second thoughts
Just drove away with TAT and let your dreams manifest into reality. A reality that didn’t involve me.
I don’t think I can tell you about this baby and watch you try and be the bigger man and come back for me, for us. I have more pride than that Shame. I didn’t let your leaving me break me. I made sure to keep my sanity and move on. Anger is a fucking mistress to a broken heart, and anger is my mistress.
