I wanted to scream when she talked about using that guy to forget me. Nothing on this earth would ever rip me apart more than that.
“I went home with him that night. I let him fuck me and kiss me and the whole time I thought of you. I didn’t think it was more than a one-night-stand, but I gave him my number out of politeness. When he called and asked me out on another date I agreed.”
Okay I was wrong. Nothing would compare to hearing her describe sex with Cory while thinking of me. Let alone agreeing to a fucking date. I forced my face to neutralize and let her tell me her story, but I was dying inside listening to her talk about letting another man touch her.
“I wanted to redeem myself, prove I wasn’t a drunken mess or a whore. From there he swept me off my feet. Flowers and Candey, fancy dates and I really thought maybe in time I could one day love him.”
Oh fuck! She tried replacing me with him.
“I was willing to give it a try and we continued to date for a few weeks. Then I got sick, couldn’t keep anything down.” I knew how this story ended and I could see the nerves getting to her but I needed to know what happened.
“Turns out I was pregnant.”
Ohfuckno!
Yeah...fuck no!
“After doing the math I knew it wasn’t Cory’s.”
Oh God.
She paused this time to look at me and I swear to God she could see the news of her bomb digging it's claws into my heart.
“Mine?” I barely could choke the word out and I wanted to tear something, anything in a million shreds. She didn’t have a kid, I knew that much. No way would the guys hide that from me, not even Mike no matter what he promised Cassa. Thoughts of abortions and adoptions started to rush through my mind when I finally noticed she had kept talking while I was freaking the fuck out inside.
Her face was red and wet with tears and she wasn't looking at me. This story was only getting worse by the second and I had no fucking clue what right if any, I had to be as pissed off as I am right now.
“I was scared that you would have thought I was trapping you. You hadn’t called me once or come back and it had been six weeks. By then I had faced the fact that you didn’t want me but I refused to make any decisions before I knew all the facts. I had to go to the Doctor but I wanted to tell you first and give you the option to come home. So I went to your dad and asked him how to contact you. Don’t ask me how he knew but he did and he told me to run and never tell you.”
What.The.Fuck?
“What?” I snarled. My hands were shaking and I wished I had my longer hair back. I cut the fucking shit because I was constantly pulling it out. No fucking wonder I cut the shit. I couldn’t breathe. I cupped my hands over my face, my eyes burning with an intense need to cry.
For the first time ever, I couldn’t look at Cassa.
“He said you would resent me for it and he couldn’t bear to see me hurt. I was so scared and alone I did the only thing I could live with.”
Oh God.
“Please tell me you didn’t Cass. Tell me you didn’t have my baby alone...or worse.”
Fuck, would my boys hide the fact I had a kid from me? Was I that selfish that they all thought my kid was better off? Words like abortion and adoption ran through my mind but I forced myself to breathe through the anger.
“I told Cory the baby was his.”
I saw red, literally saw red through my vision and refused to look at her. I tried to breathe but my eyes were burning and my chest was tight. I couldn’t even think about what that meant for our baby, the thought made me ill.
I couldn’t formulate a sentence, let alone a word. Grunts and groans were all I was reduced to; and thank God because it scares the shit out of me to think about what might come out of my mouth.
My mother was a saint and she had taught me so little and yet so much before she passed. The one I remember now, while sitting in the center ring of my own personal hell, was her lecture on saying things you can’t take back.
I had been fighting with my dad about the boat when I wanted to be at Downtown music with the guys instead. I had told her I hated him. She didn’t say anything to me, just disappeared down the hall, coming back with a tube of Colgate in her hand.
“Hold out your hand.” She said, and I did. More so out of curiosity than anything. She squeezed a glob of toothpaste from the tube into the palm of my hand, and then handed the tube to me. “Now, to put all that toothpaste into the tube again.”
I looked at her like she was crazy.“I can’t.” I said.
“Exactly Shamus.”
