“You don’t have to hide from me Sassy. I could never judge you but I sure as fuck judge myself.” He moved me toward my couch but I refused to sit. “I won’t betray you baby.”
“You mean again, you won’t betray me again.” I felt smug watching him flinch at my accusation.
“This isn’t about me leaving Sass, it’s about what happened when I did.” His voice was pained but my anger was too hot to worry about his emotions right now. I had a brother and sister in-law to murder. Shamus was the last person on this planet I wanted to know the truth. I had taken extensive measures to keep him from the truth as well as forcing the hand of everyone I love and demanding they keep it too.
“What did he tell you?” I was so ashamed of the truth but I refused to let him see it. If Mike told him the truth I could only imagine what he thought of me now, how weak I was living in near constant fear. He would never understand the depth of my damage because there were no words to describe it.
Ruined.
Broken.
Shattered.
None of them came close.
My life had become a series of single word descriptions, all in which made me cringe. I didn’t resemble the girl I was when Shamus knew her. I had been free and rebellious, so full of life. I would never be that girl again and Shame wanting that woman was as hopeless as all the times I longed to have her back as well. Now I was sarcastic at every opportunity, it had become a mask almost and I was very hard to fool. I trustedveryfew people and Shamus James wasn’t one of them. Cory had almost killed me but it was Shamus James that I feared.
Mike, Roni, Noah,Chad and Cal, Carrie and Candey... they had put me back together as much as someone wrecked could be. I hated this fear as much as I hated hope and Shamus was hope. Shamus made me remember the woman I had been.
“The basics. Basically that he beat and controlled you then tried to kill you.” Shamus spoke each word like a question proving to me I could still read him. He was scared of the truth.
I ran my hand over my abdomen, before tightening it into a fist wondering what the fuck‘the basics’ meant. “Did he tell you...?” I let the words trail when Shamus nodded and placed his hand on top of mine over my vacant womb.
Oh fuck Mike God damned Stapleton!
“Did he tell you why?” I asked scared I was going to vomit right then and there. Keeping my eyes locked on him I refused to feel shame because of what was done to me....shame for what I did to Shame, was an entirely different story.
“No he kept it simple. He told me Cory found out some shit you tried to keep private and went ballistic when he found out.” Shamus pulled me to him with his free arm while he still held his hand over mine. “Will you tell me?” He wanted and needed the truth I could see it and hear it in his voice.
“I want to.” I say so quietly that I don't know if he even heard me, but seeing the pleading look on his face tells me he did. “There are things that I can’t Shame. They'll kill you.” I may have been destroyed by Shamus and I didn’t trust him now, but I would never inflict that sort of pain on him.
“This isn’t about me Sassy. I want to know what happened so I can help protect you.”
Oh please. He was no different from the rest of them, God bless him. I had nothing to protect, the damage was done.
“You can’t protect me Shamus and more importantly, I don’t need you to. I have done just fine the last two years without you.” I spoke with a finality that I didn’t feel or believe.
“Really? Because it seems to me you’ve done a real shit job of it.”
Cocky bastard!
“We view success differently then. You see a victim Shamus and I see a survivor.” I spoke in self assured tones but in truth I spent hours out of everyday making sure doors were locked, blinds were closed and lights were on. I had a terrible fear of the dark. It took me months after moving into my apartment to familiarize myself to the noises at night, to Candey coming and going.
“Tell me Cassa.” He was close and his hand was cupped at my chin forcing me to look up at him.
When I did look at him, I wanted to cry. This was the Shamus I remembered and loved, the man I had waited for that day. This was the man that cared about the truth, the man that loved with every nerve in his body. This was the boy I remembered in the body of a man. He had been playing the Rock star the entire time he had been home. The rock star was gone and in his place was the love of my life. I neededtell him. I owed him that much.
*
Shamus
“After you left I was in a pretty deep depression. I was convinced that you would come back for me. After I had driven everyone crazy, I was hauled out of the house by Candey and Carrie. They took me out to Howie’s and got me drunk. The liquor made the pain worse because every song that I heard reminded me of you.” I felt like a knife twisted in my back when she told me how bad I had hurt her.
“In my stupor I walked to the ladies room to cry in private when Cory grabbed me and yanked me away from a pile of glass from a broken beer bottle. I thought he was cute and figured that maybe I needed a one night stand to push me through the pain.”
Jesus!
Fuck!
