“That is a lot.” Ria declares on an exhaled breath.
I nod in agreement.
“You could have told me sooner Noah, I’d have tried to help or just be there for you.”
“Ri, you have had enough to deal with. All the shit with Alex, being a mom and then you got your happy ending. I wasn’t going to fuck all that up for you with my problems.”
“You are always trying to save everyone else Noah Jones, but who’s saving you?”
Her words make me pause because it was the same thing Tori once said to me. But it was who I was. I was the guy that saved everyone or at least tried too.
“I don’t need saving.” I protest.
Ria places her hand over mine and squeezes it.
“We all need saving sometimes. Even the strong ones.”
I let her words sink in as I stare up at the ceiling light, fighting back the wave of emotion that is trying to hit me.
“I’m scared Ri, I don’t know how to be a dad, what if I fuck it all up?”
She shakes her head, tears pricking her own eyes. “You won’t”
“How do you know?”
“Because you basically raised me.”
Her words hit my heart in the most unexpected way. For most of my life I have felt like I failed my sister. She was the reason she went into foster care, she was the reason she ended up with a deadbeat like Alex, all because I left her.
“But I failed you.” I admit, my words cracking on the last word. “Whatthat mandid to you. That never would have happened if I had been in that house Ria, never.”
Ria cups my face, tugging me forcefully to face her.
“Now you listen to me, whathedid to me wasn’t your fault and it wasn’t mine. It was his, our mom’s for bringing him into our lives when she knew he was a bad guy. None of it was your fault so I need you to let go of that guilt Noah.”
I squeeze my eyes shut, trying to force back the tears, but it’s no use.
“Our dad walking out on us was not your fault. Our mom being a shitty mom was not your fault. What her boyfriend did to me was not your fault. What Alex did to me was not your fault.”
Her words tremble, and she takes a moment to breathe.
“And what happened to Scotty and Tori’s baby wasn’t your fault.”
I nod slowly, trying desperately to hear and believe what she is saying to me.
“So let yourself love her, Noah, and let go of all that guilt and allow yourself to be happy.”
I wrap my arm around my sister and hug her as a silent thank you.
“This baby, she’ll save you in all the ways you didn’t know you needed saving, trust me.”
I pull back and eye her suspiciously.
“We don’t know the gender yet. It’s too early.
Ria shrugs and winks. “I have a feeling, call it women’s intuition.”
I chuckle and shake my head as the idea of having a daughter flickers through my mind. Would she have my blue eyes and Tori’s golden hair? Would she have my laugh and Tori’s resilience?
