Whoever is waiting for us at the end of this, I just hope I’m here to meet them. The idea of not returning from a deployment never crossed my mind, but I never had something that made coming home more important until now.
Chapter Fifty-Five
Tori
We sit on the picnic blanket in a field surrounded by daisies. It’s been almost six weeks since we found out we were expecting, and it was tougher than I could have imagined. The journey to reaching the end of the first trimester felt impossible at times. There were days I was too scared to move, terrified if I ate the wrong foods, drank the wrong drinks, or just simply moved too much, I would do something to harm our baby.
Noah, thankfully, hasn’t had to go away, so I have been living with him here until we decide where we will settle. I have been able to work remotely, and life is good.
This morning, we went for our first ultrasound, and we were shocked to learn I was a few weeks further along than I thought, but watching our little baby and their strong heartbeat on the screen was a moment I will never forget. My heart grew, and myanxiety shrank as I watched in complete awe as they moved on the screen. Noah’s face lit up too, and I think I fell more in love with him. Watching his glassy eyes track the tiny movements of our little bean was a moment I committed to memory.
At times, Noah hasn’t been quite himself. I haven’t been able to put my finger on it. I chalked it up to the anxiety of being a first-time parent, and given my history, he was worried. I’m hoping the scan will lift the last of his concerns and help us both feel more connected to our growing child.
“So how do we do this?” he asks, twirling the stem of the wine glass between his fingers.
We decided to find out the gender with an early blood test and asked the nurse to write it down on a card. We took that card to a local bakery, and they filled the cream colored cake with either blue or pink icing.
We didn’t want anything elaborate, just simple and intimate, just me and Noah and the perfect backdrop of the North Carolina hills for this life changing moment. Will it be a boy or a girl? Will they have hair like Noah’s and eyes like mine? Will they have his zest for adventure or my need for stability and simplicity, or will they be uniquely them and be a perfect blend of the two of us?
“We close our eyes, push the glass into the cake, and then pull it out and open our eyes together,” I say.
Noah takes my free hand in his. “Let’s do this.” We close our eyes and push the glass through the layers of cake, finding it has more resistance than expected. I giggle as I try to pull it back out.
A burst of excitement and nausea bubbles in my stomach as I hold the glass in my hand, knowing it now holds the answer.
“Ready?” Noah asks with excitement in his tone.
“Yes.”
“Okay, Three…” he says.
“Two,” I follow.
“One,” we say together and then open our eyes. Goosebumps scatter across my body, heart ready to burst as I stare at the color of the frosting.
“It’s a girl,” I say on a sob.
Noah presses his lips to mine and repeats my words. “It’s a girl.”
Chapter Fifty-Six
Noah
I’m going to have a daughter. We are having a baby girl. One, I hope and pray I am around to see grow up.
Yesterday was full of hope and joy. Watching Tori’s face as we FaceTimed our friends and family to share our news was a moment I’ll cherish forever. the happiness that poured from her has made what I’m about to do more unbearable, but I can’t avoid it any longer. I have to leave in less than a month, and keeping this from her has been killing me slowly. But I did it for her. I didn’t want anything to compromise the pregnancy. I know how crucial and precious those early weeks were. She was anxious and stressed enough. I didn’t want to add to her plate. If she wasn’t pregnant, I would have told her straight away, but I wanted to protect and let her live in her happy bubble for as long as she could. So, I suffered silently for both of us, to saveher more heartache. But this secret had an expiry date, and now we’ve reached it. I just pray she understands why I waited to tell her.
I didn’t sleep. I felt sick to my stomach. I watched her dream peacefully and kept my hand on the small swell of her stomach that housed our growing daughter, crushing my own heart piece by piece as the reality of not watching her belly grow much more, or feel the first kicks, and maybe even miss the birth, comes crashing down on top of me.
This wasn’t how this was supposed to be.
Tori stirs, rolling onto her back, and she smiles when she catches me looking at her.
“Good morning,” she says on a yawn, and I press a kiss to the top of her head.
“Good morning, darlin’.” I tuck a strand of hair behind her ear.
She pushes herself up to a seated position and rubs her eyes. “What’s wrong?”
