I’m due to deploy again in a few months, so for the time being, I lay low at camp, spending my days boxing in the gym or doing mundane admin tasks. The tension in my body works its way to my head, causing an intense pressure that I know only a cold shower will give me some light relief from. I am no stranger to a nightmare or a panic attack; they are a part of me now.
I take my shower and only feel marginally better as I head back to my small single bed in my cramped single room.
I lie down, bend my arms behind my head and glance at the clock: 2.08am.
I stare through the darkness, and my thoughts drift to Tori. I haven’t spoken to her for a couple of weeks. We are due to meet up soon to tick another item off Scotty’s life list. If I were being truly honest with myself, my trips with her are the only thing really keeping me going. Being with her gives me a break from my reality. I feel useful, like I have a purpose. I promised Scotty I’d take care of her and protect her. I thought I could keep my growing feelings for her under control, but they are taking on a life of their own. The more time I spend with her, the more I want her.
I think about that kiss all the time and always feel like the biggest piece of shit. If there were a button to turn my feelings off for her, I would. I know it’s wrong, but I don’t know how to stop it. Walking away from her doesn’t feel like an option, so I fight the feelings every time I’m around her. Maybe when Scotty’s life list is complete, and work gets busier, they will fade.
Yes, these are the things I tell myself almost daily. Even though I know they are lies.
I reach for my phone on my nightstand, knowing she’ll be asleep and I shouldn’t be contacting her, yet the need to text her outweighs my moral compass.
I stare at the blank text screen, typing and deleting and then retyping before I settle on one word.
Noah
Hi
I panic and try to delete it, but my heart stops when three dots dance across the screen, letting me know she’s typing.
Tori
Hey, you. What are you doing up?
I can’t help but smile, like an excited teenager, instead of the calm and collected twenty-nine-year-old that I should be. I sit up with urgency, rearranging my pillow before I type out my reply.
Noah
I couldn’t sleep, and you?
Tori
Same. We got back around midnight, and I have been staring at the ceiling ever since, thinking.
Noah
What’s on your mind?
I watch the three dots appear then disappear again and again, my nerves spiking while I wonder what she wants to say.
Tori
What’s on your mind?
You.
I think about typing that but something stops me. I need to know what she’s thinking before I tell my truth.
I smirk as I type.
Noah
Ladies first.
She types back instantly.
Tori
