“It’s alright, Tease. I’ll be with you every step of the way, and so will Carter. You won’t lose us, and you won’t lose Cole. We love you. Always. No matter what the darkness says.”
And fuck if he doesn’t understand what I can’t. The darkness. The demons. The way they press in on me. The swirl of it taking, always taking, and drowning me. For once, I can say I fully understand Lio. And fuck if that isn’t the biggest wake up call of them all…
I need to get better for our son…to learn to be a dad again. Until then, the two men that I love, that I trust, will watch over Cole, because right now? Right now, this daddy doesn’t even know if I can put one foot in front of the other…and that scares me more than anything.
I let go of Keegan’s hand and slip out of the room while Carter is distracted with Cole. I have one mission: Find Javi andget started. I whisper my own promise—my own plea, even if it won’t reach who it’s truly meant for right now.
Please, son, forgive me my shortcomings. No matter what, I’ll find a way back, I promise. Love you. Always.
Cole finally falls asleep and I lay him in the middle of our bed, because like hell are any of us going to be comfortable with him not being in here…for a while. I can’t help brushing my fingers over his forehead, smoothing his hair back. I only pull away so as to not wake him.
Sitting back, I look at Keegan, my heart skipping a beat when I realize Marcus is no longer in the room with us. “Where…?”
Keegan sighs softly and reaches for my hand, pain and…fear in his eyes, along with a deep-seated sorrow that knocks the breath out of me. If I wasn’t already sitting, the weight of his emotions would have knocked me on my ass.
“Marcus…has gone to see Javi,” Keegan says softly.
My soul aches for my love, knowing it must have been bad for him to willingly leave Cole after just getting him back. But… “Hecould have asked him to come up here? I’m sure Javi would have understood.”
Keegan shakes his head and rubs his fingers along my own. Soothing me or himself? “Marcus…it’s more than needing a simple pill or even a sedative to settle him. He still harbors a lot of guilt and pain over Amy. With Cole now, things have…spiraled. Marcus is so fucking strong, even if he won’t believe me right now. But he has enough self-awareness to know he’s not okay, so…he went to Javi.”
I swallow, reading between the lines of what Keegan isn’t saying. Whether it's because he can’t, because he doesn’t want it to be real, or because he’s scared of breaking down, I don’t know.
I check on Cole, reassuring myself that he’s here, and still deeply asleep, before I pull my hand from Keegan’s and go to my knees. It’s awkward; I’m not Marcus, so I have no idea what I’m doing, but I settle myself in front of Keegan, placing my hands on his legs and staring up at him.
“What can I do? To make it easier on both of you?”
Keegan’s face softens and he reaches out to cup my cheek, his fingers skating over my scar. “Nothing, Love. Just keep being you. Be here for me, Cole, and Marcus. That’s what we all need right now. Marcus…he’ll get the help he needs, and between Javi and Doc, they’ll take care of him. They'll make sure he’s not alone, so that he can’t… They have a protocol for this, and they are able to give him the support he needs, so that, in turn, we can support each other and Cole.”
My eyes burn with tears and my breath catches in my lungs.This is your fault. If you didn’t lose Cole. If you were a better father, a better partner, Marcus wouldn’t need to be placed under suicide watch…
“No, Love!” Keegan says firmly, both hands now on my face, forcing my eyes to meet his. “Whatever you’re thinking, whatever misplaced guilt or blame you have, this is not onyou. Marcus is still dealing with the loss of Amy, and this only brought it to the surface so much more. You do not get to take the blame for that. We dealt with the fucker who took Marcus’s angel, and we will deal with the ones who tried to take our son.”
“But if I?—”
“If I hear one more word out of your mouth that takes the blame for what happened to Cole, I will put you over my knee. Is that what you want, Carter? Do you need me to redden your ass?”
I swallow, at a loss for how to answer. This…having a Dom is so new to me, and I don’t know how to handle it.
Keegan tightens his grip on my face. The promise of having bruises should irritate me, but instead, I press closer, wanting him to mark me ashis.
“What can I do?” I ask.
“Just be here. Love Cole, love Marcus. We’ll remind them every day for the rest of our lives of how much we love and need them. We’ll do whatever we need to do in order to show them how much they mean to us. I don’t know what’s going to happen with Marcus, that’s up to him and Javi now, but I promised him we’ll be there every step of the way, that we’ll always love him.”
I swallow and nod. “We will. You and Marcus…you’ve given me so much more than I ever hoped. I always wanted a family, and you’re making that dream come true when I thought I had lost my one and only chance. I will do whatever it takes to keep it. If it means sitting with Marcus every chance I get and reminding him of that, I will. I’ll take care of Cole too. Whatever he needs.”
Keegan smooths his hands over my cheeks. “I know you will. You’re a good man, and an even better father. It’s why we fell so deeply for you. Will you take care of yourself, too? See one of the therapists Javi is bringing in?”
I hesitate, thinking it over before giving my answer. “I don’t have the same hangups the rest of the Amatos do. But…I need to think about it. I…I want to be better for you, Marcus, Roman, and Cole. This…guilt I have, it’s crushing, but when I’m with you? With our family? It helps. I just…it’s fucking terrifying.”
“I know, Love. I know.” He leans in and presses a kiss to my forehead. “I’ll talk to Javi in the morning about getting a child psychologist for Cole, too. Either the one we were using when we first adopted him, or if he knows a different one, it doesn’t matter, so long as we get him some help.”
“I don’t like how he’s barely said a word. Aside from the first outburst when Tennant handed him over…he’s been too quiet.”
“I know. We’ll get to the bottom of it.”
“For you too?” I ask.
