“Like Tanner Pace?”
I stare at him. “Yes. Like Tanner. Even though I don’t like how anyone behaved today, you had no right to say the things you did to him. He’s been here for me, and for Nelson. He cares about us and I… I care about him, too.”
He says nothing but literally bites his tongue. Auston doesn’t want me but he doesn’t want anyone else to have what used to be at his beck and call.
He’s quiet for a while and I don’t know if my shitty mood is making me less tolerant than usual or if I’ve really had it with Auston and how darn needy he is, but I shake my head, staring at the sky and asking my mama to give me strength.
“If you want to be in Nelson’s life, great. I’d like that for his sake but we’re not your get-away-from-your-past free card. You don’t need to break up with your girlfriend for us. You don’t need to move to San Antonio to play co-parenting families, unless you trulywantto.”
He takes off his shades and for once, his expression seems genuinely sincere.
“I thought you were my first love, Auston, and maybe you were in that teenage first love way. But I’ve discovered since you, and in part thanks to you, what real love feels like. It’s overwhelming and terrifying and exhilarating and truly unconditional. So, I’m not mad at you anymore. I’m not sad that we never worked or that you had no intention of that ever happening.”
“Annie—”
“Stop. I’m grateful. Without your reference point, I might not have learned how special real love is. So long as you put Nelson first and you don’t mess him around or hurt him, I’m happy for you to be in his life. Youarebetter than your own daddy, I believe that and you ought to, too. But if you cross my son, or you continue putting your own needs ahead of his, I will only ever consider his best interests, not yours. Never again. Understood?”
He’s silent for a drawn-out moment and when he speaks, it’s to his feet. “Annie, I’m sorry. I didn’t respect you and I’ve fucked up beyond all recognition when it comes to Nelson. I know it and I’m going to find a way to be better. I promise.”
I inhale. “Good. So we’ll see you again sometime?”
“Yeah. If that’s alright with you, I’ll come to see Nelson.”
“And the Bears?”
“Maybe you’re right and I should get to know my son before landing on his doorstep.”
As he drives away, I’m not convinced we’ll see Auston soon. He might send gifts a couple times a year. One day, I’ll have to explain to Nelson that it isn’this fault and he has so many people in his life who genuinely love him that he doesn’t need his father.
I’ll also tell him that I’ll never regret Auston because he gave me Nelson, even while I know now there’s nothing left between the two of us. Auston is no longer on the pedestal I put him on. He isn’t the man I used to think he was.
He was simply a boy, who knocked up a girl.
And I’m fine with that.
When I go to the house, Daddy is outside in his rocking chair. He gives me one stern nod, then holds out an open beer to me.
“I’m proud of you, darlin’.”
I take the bottle and sit into the chair next to his, looking out over the ranch the way he and Mama used to do. “Me, too, Daddy. Me, too.”
45
PACE – LATE NOVEMBER
I Blew It
“I blew it, didn’t I?” I ask Darcy as we drive away from not-so-Sunshine Ranch.
It’s a rhetorical question; I know I behaved like an idiot. Emotional and volatile. I haven’t been that guy for years but Auston brought it out in me today. I’m sure the sports psych could have a field day with my daddy issues.
“The crazy thing is, I’ve been keeping a lid on things for weeks, trying to convince myself to stay cool, be the friend she needs, give her space to sort out her relationship with Auston.”
“I wish this was easier for you,” Darcy says. “But as a woman who was hurt badly by a man, I know how long it takes to recover from that. Annie’s situation is even more complicated. You’ve got to let her come to you, in her own time, when she’s ready.”
I squeeze my eyes shut. “What if she never is?”
“Then you have to deal with it.”
