‘Call me if you need me,’ Alice says quietly, then closes the curtain behind her.
Heather sits down beside me. Shoulders shaking. ‘I’m so sorry.’
‘I know. It wasn’t your fault. This isn’t the first time.’
‘What if…’ Her eyes fill. ‘What if I’m not cut out for this after all? Maybe leaving was the best thing I did. I shouldn’t have come back, I…’
I turn to her. ‘Do you think I haven’t thought about all the things I’ve done wrong? This is what being a parent is. We don’t get it right all the time. Most of being a parent is being terrified of something happening to them.’
‘Still. Alice knew.’
‘Alice was here, Heather. You can’t replace thirteen years in a few months.’
‘Do you want me to go?’ Her voice is a whisper.
‘No. Hopefully, she’ll be discharged soon.’
‘No…’ She clears her throat. ‘I meant…go. From your lives.’
Her words catch me off guard. I bite back my anger. One little – OK, notlittle– mistake, and she’s already about to quit?
‘I can’t make that decision for you. But if you’re going to go again, Heather, that’s it, do you understand? I can’t watch you earn her trust then just bolt.’
‘But…’
‘Like I said. This is parenthood. You need to make a decision, and if it’s too hard, if you’re not 100per cent in, then yes. You should leave.’
She nods. ‘But if you want to stay in her life, then that’s OK too. But as a mother. Not as… anything else.’
‘I understand.’ We’re quiet, just the sound of the hospital beyond the doors filling the space. Heather takes a deep breath. ‘You’re… you’re not coming, are you? Back home. With me?’
If anything, today has taught me that Heather’s not ready. Yet. And I can’t risk taking Georgia away from her friends, from our home, from Alice just because I’m afraid of telling Alice how I really feel.
I give a small shake of my head. ‘No.’
She nods. ‘I understand. I think… I think I fell in love with her. And maybe you a bit too…’
‘No, you didn’t.’ My voice is tired. ‘You fell in love with the idea of a happy family, of righting all your wrongs. But I can’t be that for you. We don’t fit, Heather. Not as a couple. But as a slightly dysfunctional family? You fit right in.’
‘Alice fits… doesn’t she?’
I let out a long breath.
‘You’re in love with her.’
I give the smallest fraction of agreement.
‘It doesn’t matter how I feel. She doesn’t feel the same way and…’
She lets out a small laugh. ‘Still the same old Spence. Can’t see what’s right in front of you, can you?’
‘It’s not… That’s not…’
‘Do you really think I didn’t know why you slept with me the night of our prom?’ She shakes her head, a wry smile. ‘I was there, remember? I saw the way your poor heart damn near fell out of your chest when you saw her snogging that guy. What was his name?’
‘Jared.’
‘Yeah. Jared.’
