‘Funny how you still remember his name, after all these years, when the rest of us can barely remember him at all.’
The curtain pulls back, the doctor coming in with a smile. She tucks her dark hair back, looks up at the monitor then back to us. ‘So, it’s all looking good, but we’d like to keep her in overnight.’
I sit up, anxious.
She smiles. ‘Just as a precaution. It’s late, no use trying to get the paperwork through at this hour. She’ll be a bit under the weather over the next few days, so keep an eye on her and bring her back if you have any concerns.’
‘Thank you…’ I breathe out.
‘And maybe keep her away from artisan bakeries,’ she adds, but it’s in good humour. Seeing Heather’s face, she places a gentle hand on her shoulder. ‘It was an easy mistake. Just be vigilant, especially where things are branded as being extra healthy. Nut milks can often sneak in under the radar.’
The monitor keeps beeping, her heartbeat, steady, controlled.
Mine isn’t.
I should have left that letter ripped up. Instead I started it again, like an idiot.
I shouldn’t have sent it.
Fuck.
51
ALICE
My whole body is shaking as I stand in Spence’s kitchen. I don’t know why I’m here. I can barely remember the drive over. One minute I was leaving the hospital, the next I was taking out the key hidden under the plant pot. The sunflower Georgia had painted when she was six, now chipped, the paint flaking away.
The paper bag is scrunched in my hand, one wholemeal roll festering in the bottom. The pack of ham sits on the countertop, the edges curling up and turning brown. I squeeze the bag in my hands, knuckles tight. I slam the ham and the rolls into the bin. My hands scrambling for the anti-bac and cloth under the sink.
Family only.
My hands work furiously. Spray, wipe. Spray, wipe.
I head into the lounge, picking up one of Georgia’s discarded hoodies. I bring it to my nose, the smell of her pistachio perfume that she wears ironically. The closest thing she’d get to the real thing, she jokes. And beneath it all, her. My body folds, and all the fear, the anger, bubbles up, overflowing. Sobs crack out from within my chest. What if I hadn’t been here? I’m breathless as I clutch the material, pulling it closer to my chest, as if I can keep everything I’m feeling inside.
I try to calm my breathing but wave after wave of emotion comes thick and fast. I’m drowning beneath everything that has happened over the last year – the loss of Ryan, my career, Mike – but through all the hurt, and loss, and fear, there is love… and them.
Spence and Georgia.
Myfamily.
Family isn’t always blood; family is the people who make you a better person, who don’t judge you for your success. They love all the messy parts of you, the failures as much as the triumphs.
I wipe my tears away with the heel of my hand and take the hoody upstairs. My steps are slow. With each one, photos smile at me, my fingers gently reaching out. Spence, so young, hair sticking up, dark shadows under his eyes, a dark mark on his green top that only I would know is from a blob of ketchup from the bacon sandwich I’d made in the middle of the night. His expression doesn’t show any of that though, it’s just looking at me behind the lens.
These photos show moments that I wasn’t here for. But I know each detail through phone calls, spoken quietly late at night. Step by step, I’m drawn closer and closer.
I’ve spent so long looking into the past, trying to unpick Michael’s life when all along the answers I was looking for were right here. I push open Georgia’s door. I’m hit with a flash of her clutching her throat, my own voice firing out instructions to Heather. I sit down on her bed, hands smoothing out the duvet. This room is filled with ghosts from my past. A past I have always belonged to, even though my eyes were ridiculously focused on the future, on accolades.
A small hiccup escapes my throat as I reach for her teddy, the one she’s always slept with, the one I bought the day she was born.
I get up and clear away the plate still on the floor, make her bed while my ears ring with the words I need to say.
I love you.
I love you both.
This is where I belong.
