He’s been an anchor, a support, a steadfast presence that keeps me tethered when I feel like I’m going to unravel completely. I am overjoyed by my tiny love, and devastated to my core that her father isn’t here to see her. Every day there’s something new, and every day there’s something else Aaron isn’t here for. Managing the coexistence of incomparable joy andunbearable grief is a full-time job in and of itself, and the only reason I’m surviving right now is because of my friends and family. But especially Jack.
Friend doesn’t feel like a strong enough word for him anymore. Even ‘best friend’ or ‘family’ doesn’t quite describe it. Somehow in this insane story that’s been weaved over the last nine months, we’ve been tied together in a way I don’t fully understand.
“What’s on your mind?” Jack asks, interrupting my pondering.
“Just trying to take it all in,” I answer vaguely, smiling softly.
“Don’t worry,” he says, pushing off the bed. “I’ve been taking so many goddamn pictures. And I’ve learned how to journal. At least I think I have.”
“I haven’t pulled my journal out once,” I lament, leaning over and opening the drawer of my bedside table, pulling out the embroidered moleskin I’ve used for years. “It’s going by too fast, I don’t want to miss a moment of it.”
“I’ve got you, pretty girl,” he says reassuringly. “I’ll keep writing it all down until you can do it yourself. I’ll make sure you have every detail to look back on. Even if it’s from a dumbass boy perspective.”
“You’re not a dumbass boy,” I chide. “You’re a dumbassman.”
“What’s the difference?”
“You versus David.”
He laughs loudly, and Erin stirs, her eyes slowly blinking open.
“Shit, sorry,” he whispers as I lift her into my arms.
“No, it’s okay,” I say. “It’s time to feed anyway. Are you hungry, Little One?”
She lets out the tiniest squeak, squirming around like she actually understood what I was talking about and is beyond stoked for her very favorite thing–the boob.
I unclasp my nursing bra, settling her into position. It took some effort to get the hang of breastfeeding, and I completelyunderstand why some moms don’t do it. To be honest, I don’t know how long I’ll be able to keep it up, but for now I’m soaking in these moments of closeness.
I stifle a giggle when I see that Jack has turned his back, determined to be a gentleman. No matter how many times I’ve told him that I don’t care, he refuses to look my way when my tit’s out, even for nursing.
“I just want to give you your privacy,” he said the first time I brought it up.
“Jack, you were in the room when I was wide open for the world to see,” I laughed. “If you can handle that, I think you can handle seeing my nipple.”
“Yeah, but I wasn’t looking,” he grumbled. “I never took my eyes off of your face.”
I didn’t have much of an argument after that.
“Anyway,” he says, not turning around until I promise I’m covered up again. “Ellie should be here in a few minutes. Are you okay if I go to the station real quick? I just want to check in and make sure nothing has gone catastrophically wrong. I’ll be back in an hour.”
“Take as long as you need, Jacky boy,” I say. “You’ve been here nonstop, take a break.”
“If you’re not taking a break, I’m not taking a break,” he huffs. “You’re stuck with me until you have me banned from this house.”
I bite my lip as a stab of guilt pierces my chest. He might not begrudge me for kicking him out the way I did a month ago, but I don’t know if I’ll ever forgive myself.
“I love being stuck with you,” I say softly. “I don’t want that to change. I just don’t want you to feel trapped.”
“Being here for that little girl is the best thing that’s ever happened to me,” he croaks, voice suddenly full of emotion. “I will gladly, willingly be trapped here for as long as you want.”
“We love you, Jack,” I say, my voice equally thick with feeling. “Beyond words.”
“I love you too, pretty girl. I’ll be back before you know it.”
I nod, desperately trying to tamper down the tidal wave of conflicting feelings rising in my chest when Ellie sweeps into the room and crawls into bed right next to me.
“Hi my sweet ginger angel,” she says, kissing me on the cheek. Propping herself up on her elbow, she looks across me to where Erin is once again slumbering peacefully. “And hello my sweettinyginger angel.”
