****
The next few days pass in a blur of visitors, endless check-ins from the nurses (with some very snarky comments from Abby about being woken up), and an overwhelming amount of information thrown at us.
Aaron’s parents both instantly started sobbing when they learned Erin’s name. Ellie checked on Abby first before turning all of her attention toward the baby, repeating over and over how much Auntie Ellie loves her and is going to spoil her rotten. Griffin stared at Ellie holding Erin in complete wonder, and Abby and I made bets later that night about how quickly they’d be having a baby of their own.
When David had her in his arms, he vehemently promised that they’d be best friends forever, and that he wouldn’t let any, in his words, “fuck ass kids” ever be mean to her. “It’s you and me forever, tiny best friend,” he said fiercely. “I don’t care, I’ll smack a six year old if I have to.”
Abby’s dad looked so full of pride I thought he might burst from it. But the most shocking reaction came from Nathan, Abby’s brother. He came into the room looking so nervous he was practically shaking. The moment he saw Abby holding Erin, he began crying so hard that a nurse came by to make sure everything was okay.
“I know eventually I’ll have to go back to bullying you,” he said, blowing his nose loudly. “But for right now, I want you to know that you’re my hero, and I’ve never been prouder to be your brother.”
As amazing as it was to watch everyone meet this new little wonder, the moments where it’s just me, Abby, and Erin have been the highlights of my life. From the first moment I held her, I knew I was a goner. There is nothing I wouldn’t do for this tiny baby girl. There’s nothing I wouldn’t do for either of them.
“Isn’t she perfect?” Abby coos, watching Erin sleep in the bedside bassinet. “I know every mother is biased, but I really think I made a perfect baby.”
“I’m the first to admit that most of the time newborns look like aliens,” I say. “But not her. She really is perfect. The sweetest, tiniest pretty girl the world has ever seen.”
Abby smiles at me, her face radiating with affection–for Erin, but maybe for me too. All I know is I desperately hope she never stops looking at me like that.
Chapter 36
Abby
Two Weeks
These have been the most wonderful and most exhausting weeks of my life. Everyone keeps asking me how I feel now that Little One is earthside, and I truly can’t find the words. How do I explain that it feels like my own life didn’t really start until I saw her face?
So much is happening at once that I can’t even begin to comprehend it all. The house has been a revolving door of visitors, which has honestly been a godsend. A few weeks ago I got a group photo of everyone–my dad and brother, Alan and Andrea, Ellie, Griffin, and David–at the local CVS getting all their vaccines updated so they could safely be around Erin. I didn’t even think to ask them to do that, and I cried for a solid thirty minutes.
Jack came home with us from the hospital and hasn’t left Erin’s side (or mine) since. I know I would have figured this parenting thing out–I might have been a lot less mentally stable, but I could have handled it on my own. Women do this all the time, and I have no doubt I could have too if it really came down to it.
“But you’re not on your own,” Jack said when I suggested he get out of the house for a few hours, trying to convince him that I can do this on my own. “Why would I let you do that when you don’t have to?”
I didn’t bring it up again.
Instead, I accepted, albeit occasionally begrudgingly, all the help I could get. Either someone lied to me, or I chose to ignore any warnings about what the physical recovery is like after giving birth. PSA for anyone considering the miracle of life–it’s a fucking wreck down there. No amount of lidocaine spray in the world can make up for the aftermath of pushing the equivalent of a small watermelon out of my vagina. Did I know that tearing is common? Yes. Did I actually understand what tearing would be like? Hell no.
This is where that revolving door I mentioned has been my saving grace. As helpful as Jack is, and as doting as the grandparents are, there are just some things I do not want their help with, i.e., getting my mangled body into an epsom salt bath, or helping me figure out the damn breast pump. I’ve never been more thankful for Ellie in my entire life.
But every bit of the rollercoaster of recovery becomes a distant memory when I look at my sweet baby girl. I would go through all of this and more a thousand times over again if she was at the end of it. For as much as the grief of losing Aaron ripped me apart, Little One has stitched me back together.
“Hi, pretty girls,” Jack says softly, rapping his knuckles on the doorframe to get my attention. “How are we doing today?”
“Perfect,” I sigh happily. “Absolutely perfect. Do you think the newborn magic will ever wear off? I hope it doesn’t.”
“I think there will always be new magic to find with her,” he muses, peering over the edge of the bassinet where Erin is sleeping soundly. “I know I find something new every day. Maybe every hour.”
“She really is a miracle,” I whisper, reaching over to stoke her cheek softly. “I’ve never experienced anything like it.”
“I can’t believe I get a front row view to this,” he mutters, seemingly to himself. He sits down on the edge of the bed by my feet, resting his hand on my leg and rubbing gentle circles across my ankle. He tears his gaze away from Little One to look at me, and the adoration on his face would make me weak in the knees if I wasn’t already laying down. “From where I’m sitting, there are two miracles in this room. I’m just so proud of you, Abby.”
“Oh Jack Robbit, you old softy,” I say, my cheeks flushing slightly. “I’ve seen you show more emotion in the last two weeks than I have in the last fifteen years.”
“I can’t help it,” he says. “I know I’m just a bystander in this, but that little girl has completely changed my life. So has her mom.”
“Even if she won’t stop calling me that,” he jokes, thankfully lifting the weight of the moment. There’s been something overwhelming about watching Jack with Little One–the way he intuitively knows how to help before I can even ask, how gentle he is with her, how much he savors every moment with her. I think he’d gladly go to hell and back for her. For both of us.
He’s also supported me in ways I didn’t know I would need. The post-birth hormone crash was a shock to the system, and he has been there diligently through every high and low. The intense spectrum of emotions has been vast–from absolute euphoria and bliss to crippling despair and heartache, if there’s an emotion that exists in the world, I have experienced it.
