Antoine nodded, slowly, like he wasn’t really listening, and I just stood there, with no idea what to say next.
‘The qualifier. You know you would have been ready. Don’t you?’ He said it with such sincerity that when I nodded my reply I couldn’t hold back tears any longer. He stepped forward and I leaned into his soaking-wet chest and cried. I thought about the wasted opportunity, how I’d finally found something that I loved. That lit me up, that I wasgoodat. And that would be it. Gone forever.
But he was right. Rue needed me. There was never a question of me staying. But that didn’t mean that it didn’t hurt.
I was shivering now, and when I looked up at him, my teeth chattered. I shook my head.
‘And what about us? We are just friends? Or it is still complicated?’ He looked down at me, his sea-blue eyes intense with the question. I just stood there for a second, hesitating, frozen and aching for his touch. So I kissed him, giving him an answer he couldn’t misinterpret. And it was like nothing I’d felt before. Kissing Felix had been sweet, glowing embers. Kissing Antoine was a frantic, hungry fire that rushed through my body like my veins were laced with lighter fuel. He picked me up and I hooked my legs round him, and the desire grew into something I didn’t just want, butneeded. Antoine set me down and pulled my soaking-wet dress over my head before taking off his own T-shirt. I gazed at his tattoos before tracing my hands over his chest. Over each tattoo, gently, like I was committing each one to memory through my fingertips.
‘You are sure,Princesse?’ He looked down at me.
‘I’m sure,’ I replied.
The rain beat hard against the windows, and the roar of the waves just added to the atmosphere, which was charged withsomething inexplicable. It was like the universe had brought me here and it was proving with all its furious energy that this moment had been predetermined.
We moved so my back was against the cold wooden wall. The rain was even louder here. Its rhythmic thuds let me know that we were safe in here, in the confines of the hut. He gently threaded a finger through the strap of my bra, letting it fall over my shoulder. He kissed his way down my neck, before reaching round my back with one hand to unfasten the clip. It fell to the floor, and he looked down briefly.
‘You are so beautiful,’ Antoine whispered.
My breath caught in my throat as the ache in my abdomen grew. I gazed at him.Hewas beautiful. His dark, wet hair, the stubble that lined his jaw, the tattoos that covered his chest. All of it. I wanted all of it.
I put my hand on his jaw and pulled him towards me, letting my other hand reach for the hardness beneath the wet material of his shorts. His kisses were more forceful this time. Hungrier. And I gave them back, with even more power.
Sex with Antoine was like an out-of-body experience. Like I wasn’t controlling any of it with my mind. My body just knew what to do. As if we were built to be together this way, each movement of his body triggered a response in mine, before pleasure surged through me like an explosion, bringing me back to earth with a satisfaction that I’d never felt before.
Out of breath, we relaxed on the couch, a worn red blanket over us both. Antoine leaned over to give me a salty kiss.
‘Margot …’ Antoine looked at me. ‘I will not be here tomorrow. I am taking a group up the coast to scout conditions.’
This was it? ‘But …’ I started. I didn’t know what else to say.
Antoine put his hand on my cheek, gently, and stared into my eyes. ‘You have made me believe in something again.’
I sniffed tears back and he continued.
‘After Gabriel, and everything with Felix, I stopped believing in anything good.’
I leaned my cheek against his hand.
‘But then there was you. This beautiful, stubborn Irish girl who looked at the ocean the same way I did before. Like it was full of magic. Who looked at me … like I was not just a surf teacher. That I was maybe worth more than that.’
‘Antoine,’ I said, unable to hold back tears any more. He wiped one away with his thumb.
I bit my lip.
‘You gave me back my heart,Princesse, even if you are taking it back to Ireland with you.’
I smiled at that, and kissed him again, tasting the salt from my own tears. I pulled away, wiping my face with the blanket. ‘Antoine, don’t you see? You’ve done the same for me. You’ve made me remember what it felt like to be me – therealme.’
‘You are spectacular, Margot.’ His voice was a whisper.
I shook my head. ‘I’m just glad I got to have this. To feel this much, to want this much, even if it breaks my heart.’
And we kissed again until the rain subsided.
We got dressed and walked outside into the aftermath of the storm and I stared at the one person who made me feel everything, so deeply, all at once.
A million different words stuck in my throat.
