‘And I should’ve known someone as emotionally intelligent and empathetic as you deserved better than that,’ he says. ‘Again. Sorry.’
‘That’s nice of you to say,’ I reply, concentrating on the footpath in front of me instead of his puppy-dog eyes. ‘I am intelligent and empathetic.’
‘Then you’ll accept my apology?’
‘No.’
There’s a moment of quiet and then Oliver laughs, like I’ve told the most hilarious joke of all time. When I try to turn left at the fork in the path, he cuts in front of me and places his hands on my shoulders. And even though I hate myself, when I look up into his eyes, I melt.
‘It was stupid, I know it was, but you’ve got to believe me,’ he says, caressing the tops of my arms. ‘Those girls, they’re not like you. Whatever I did with them, it didn’t mean anything. It doesn’t even come close to the way I feel about you.’
I suck in my cheeks, freezing all the way up again.
‘What do you mean, whatever you did with them?’
His hands tighten around my arms.
‘You’re not listening. What I’m trying to say is, with other girls, it’s purely physical, there’s no emotional connection. Really only one slight step up from a wank, if you want to be crass about it.’
‘I don’t want to be crass about it,’ I reply, unwanted images filling my mind. ‘But I do want to clarify. You’re saying you slept with them?’
‘I’m saying it doesn’t matter.’ He draws me towards him but when I don’t move, he comes to me, wrapping my rigid body in an unwelcome hug. ‘You and me, we have an intellectual connection. That’s what makes our relationship meaningful.’
Above us, the sky is grey, a swirling blend of dark and heavy clouds. It could storm or they could pass, I’m not sure which, but I have a new appreciation for the class I took on pathetic fallacy.
‘It’s good that you left,’ Oliver murmurs into my ear. ‘I was in a dark place and I needed to get it out of my system. If we’d tainted this, what we have, with something so sordid, I never would’ve forgiven myself.’
‘Right because what you did with them was one step up from a wank,’ I reply, cringing at the words. ‘And what we have is so meaningful.’
He releases me and I just stand there staring at him, arms hanging down by my side.
‘Exactly. It was just sex, base, animal release. I’m so relieved you understand, I knew you would.’
And I do understand because it’s just what I thought. I’ve never felt desirable, I’m not that kind of girl. Oliver doesn’t see me that way, men never see me that way. Except maybe one.
‘I’m on my way to meet Alice and Jenna,’ I say, biting backa thousand half-formed sentences. I hate that he’s rationalized his behaviour for himself and even worse, I hate that part of me accepts it. I need to get out of here. ‘Probably not a great idea for you to tag along.’
‘Possibly not,’ he agrees. ‘But while I’ve got you, I’ve been thinking. This isn’t something I talk about often because people always try to take advantage, but my dad is the CEO of Herringbone.’
Alice had mentioned his family was in publishing a while back but she hadn’t said his dad was the CEO of my favourite publishing house.
‘He is?’
Oliver nods.
‘He’s all about supporting young talent. If you wanted me to speak to him about getting you some work experience, an internship-type thing over the Christmas holidays or next summer maybe, I could do that.’
Everything inside me goes quiet and still. An internship. At Herringbone.
‘It’s one of the best publishing houses in the world, they’ve got a million awards, the most incredible authors,’ he goes on, reeling me in like I’m a giant flounder and he’s planning a big old fish fry for supper. ‘I usually go in during the uni holidays so you wouldn’t be on your own. You know how it is, Dad’s desperate to get me into the family business.’
A previously unthinkable future flashes in front of my eyes. A life in London, a job in publishing, a purpose, a direction.
‘Really?’ The word comes out as a whisper. ‘You would do that?’
Oliver strokes my cheek and my skin prickles.
‘For you, yes.’
