This wasn’t a culture. It was a cult.
The carnage got worse the further in we went. An entire daycare had fallen into a crevice, killing all the children that had been inside. Fireballs had ripped through a local hospital, igniting all the patients, and a store that sat on the cliffside had fallen into the sea, trapping the patrons inside until they drowned.
So much death. And all for what? Because I couldn’t keep my head and stay sane? Or because I truly believed at the time that this is what needed to happen to protect the world?
I hadn’t protected anyone, though that had been my only wish. I’d condemned them. I needed to take responsibility for this and face up to what I’d done, because I couldn’t deny all of this was on my hands.
“Princess, there is no need to keep putting yourself through this,” Eldin insisted. “What matters now isn’t witnessing what you’ve done, but doing whatever you can to make it right.”
“There’s no making this right, Eldin.” I could not quit. I would not. Only when I’d recognized the depth of suffering I’d inflicted upon each and every soul here would I allow myself to draw away.
I wandered around the city the remainder of the night, and through most of the next day. I was exhausted, but I didn’t allow myself to stop. I didn’t even let Eldin push my chair, preferring to move myself along until my arms ached.
I needed to see all of it. Everything I was capable of, everything I’d done to destroy people’s lives.
The city wasn’t the only thing that was ruined. The beautiful garden Charlie had proposed in was wrecked. The art structures had toppled over, the flowers withered away, wild animals rotting out in the open with glassy, empty eyes. I hadn’t just harmed the city. I’d ruined the surrounding environment. There’d been plants and animals here that had been full of life before I’d taken it all away.
Maybe I was worse than Charlie. He’d tried to take over the world, but I’d tried to destroy it. I didn’t think these people would’ve survived once he’d enslaved the realm, but at least I wouldn’t have been the one to do it. Me trying to take a stand had cost so many their lives.
Coyote Spirit had told me to stop. So had my grandfather. I didn’t care, because I thought I was right.
I’d never been more wrong.
The sunset was bloody and sanguine. By this time, Eldin had forced me to return to the car, and I couldn’t give so much as an order in response. Weariness overcame me, and I fell into a fitful sleep in the back of the limo as I was escorted back to the palace.
When I awoke, I was in a bed in the Ladies’ Court sometime past ten. Eldin must’ve left me here. I sat up in bed, brushing back my hair as I glanced at my chair. The wheels had been bloody from rolling around the city, but they were clean now.
I knew my family wanted to speak to me. My siblings, my parents. Most likely my friends, too.
I wasn’t able to face them right now. I didn’t think I could look at them again without feeling utterly humiliated. I could hide here in the Ladies’ Court for a while, but they’d find me eventually.
I couldn’t run from everyone forever. If I wanted an attempt at making reparations, no matter how worthless they were in the end, I had to start somewhere. I didn’t want to beg for forgiveness, because I didn’t deserve it. I just wanted to express how sorry I was.
I guess there was one person I could face, because if I could admit to anyone in the world just how badly I’d fucked up, it would be Ivy.
Eldin wanted to follow, but I told her to stay behind. There wasn’t anyone in the halls when I proceeded toward the tower where all my friends’ rooms were. I didn’t meet anyone on my way, including Charlie, thank the ancestors.
Yet when I got to Ivy’s quarters, the scene was anything but welcoming. Chancey’s clothes were scattered all over the floor outside the room, along with boxes of his things. Ivy walked out, tossing a bin of baseball gear out the door.
When Ivy saw me, their eyes narrowed. They didn’t say anything, but turned their back and headed into the apartment. I followed, looking around at the chaotic mess.
“Where’s Chancey?” I asked. Stuff had been sorted into piles, and I could tell what belonged to who.
“He’s gone. Got an apartment in the city. Said he needed to do some soul searching.”
Ivy scoffed. “Yeah, right. Couch surfing is what he's gonna do.”
My voice grew small. “Chancey’s… moving out?”
“We’re taking another break. No thanks to you guys.”
I rolled my eyes. “Don’t put this on us. How many times are you two going to split up?”
“That’s real rich, hypocrite, seeing as how you’re looking at divorce court. At least I didn’t marry the guy I knew was bad for me.”
I’d come in here with an open heart, willing to take responsibility and looking for someone to help me own up to my mistakes. But Ivy’s tone immediately made me defensive, switching my perspective from hurt and devastated to angry and defiant. “I came by to talk. I figured if anyone had an idea of what this feels like, it’s you.”
Ivy snorted. “Cool. So you needed to talk to a big loser to get validation for the stupid decision you made. What a compliment, Ava.”
