My friends, the moon and the stars, are hidden behind clouds. Is it sad I consider the moon a better friend than any person I know? Except when I need it, even it’s left me too.
It’s a sign that I’m just better off alone.
The window creaks, and I swear under my breath.
My heart bleeds a little more when I realize Kaitlyn is the one climbing out the window.
I just want to be alone.
She looks nervous, crawling up onto the roof with me. “I was hoping you’d be out here tonight. Shit, this is kind of high up,” Kait says, climbing to sit next to me before reclining the same way I am.
Do you really think you can make her happy?
I clench my jaw, giving her no reaction to let her know I heard her. It’s a good thing I’ve had plenty of practice ignoring people lately. Instead, I search for the stars through the clouds, trying not to think about how Kaitlyn smells like lavender and sunshine, even in the dark of night.
She nudges my arm with her elbow after a minute. “You’re not ignoring me now are you, Walker?” Kaitlyn teases, and again, I don’t respond. “Is everything okay?”
I shut my eyes tightly, wishing she could hate me as much as I hate myself. She’ll be better off without me complicating everything for her.
“Bailey, I don’t know what I did, but I want to talk about?—”
“I don’t want to talk,” I interrupt, breaking my vow of silence. She’s probably looking for a nice way to turn me down, but she should save her breath.
“Okay, clearly you’re in a mood,” she huffs, and I wish Kaitlyn could see how hopeless I am. “You might not want to talk, but I do. The least you can do is listen?—”
I sit up and turn to face her. “No. Maybe you should listen. I don’t want to talk—especially not to you, and especially not about that. Itnevershould’ve happened.”
Fuck. I shouldn’t have looked at Kait, because now I have to see the pain I’m causing her. It doesn’t make me feel better, but no matter how much this hurts her, it’s hurting me more. More than anything, I want to take back everything I just said. I should be trying to convince her we can work, but I’m not going to beg someone to want me.
I want Kaitlyn to want me for me, and all the broken and bruised pieces of my heart I have to offer.
Kaitlyn still doesn’t shrink away from me. Instead, she sits up, pulling her knees to her chest as she glances at the edge of the roof before tipping her chin up to look me in the eyes. “Why shouldn’t we have kissed?” she asks, her voice shaking. Clearly, she didn’t expect me to beat her to the punch.
“Because I regret it, but I can’t take it back. What I can do, is pretend it never happened. I don’t want to talk to you. So please, just leave me alone.”
It feels like I’ve stabbed myself in the chest, especially when silver tears pool in her eyes and she bites down on her trembling lower lip. It only twists the blade deeper.
I wish things were different, but they aren’t.
“Go,” I say, and my throat’s closing in on itself. Every fiber of my being is begging me to speak, to fix things, to be happy.
I guess the roof isn’t a safe space for me anymore. Everything reminds me of Kaitlyn, and I wonder if I’ve ruined places for her too.
“Bailey—”
“Just go.”
I watch to make sure she makes it to the window okay, unable to look away until I know she’s slipped back through.
I’m finally alone, but I feel worse than ever.
It’s nothing compared to how I feel when I see Kaitlyn and Hunter kissing two weeks later.
CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE
Kaitlyn
NOW
