“No.” My throat is scratchy, and I cough, trying to clear it. The only people I’ve been willing to speak to are Carter and Kait, yet even those conversations have been sparse. His jaw hangs open, making it obvious he didn’t expect me to respond verbally. “Can we talk?” I ask, feeling more and more stupid for thinking I could go to Hunter about this.
Hunter stands up and tosses his remote onto his chair, crossing his arms over his chest. He’s never been this pissed off at me, but I’m doing it to protect him. “I guess we can since you’ve finally decided to speak to me again,” he says, and I know I deserve every bit of it. “So? What is it?”
Don’t lose your nerve now. Spit it out.
“I kissed Kait.”
And he laughs, like this is the funniest joke he’s ever heard. My stomach sinks as doubt creeps into my mind. He’s right. It is funny because why would she want me? I’m nothing compared to the rest of my family. I’m not good enough for her.
Hunter finally regains composure, and he leans against his dresser. “Okay. Good one. Now what do you really want to talk about?”
I swallow the acid pooling in my mouth, doing my best to ignore the part of my brain telling me to forget it. “I’m not kidding. I kissed her, and I want to ask her out.” I’m not even sure how I manage to get the words out without vomiting.
The amused expression on his face fades, and I should have known this wouldn’t go well. “You’re serious?”
I’ve never told Hunter about my feelings for Kaitlyn, keeping this secret locked inside an airtight vault until Kaitlyn coaxed it out of me. I guess I should have thrown away the key before that could happen.
“Yeah.”
My hands are sweating, and I think I might be sick. This was a bad idea.
“Did you think this through at all? What happens if Kait says no? It’s not like you can avoid her because with our families, Kaitlyn isalwaysgoing to be around. She’s not going away,” Hunter says, and I can’t look at him right now. “And if she says yes? What then? Again, if things go bad, she’s still not going anywhere. Do yourself a favor, and don’t put her in this position. You’re better off pretending that kiss never happened, Bailey.”
Did she tell him about the kiss? Does she want to pretend that it never happened? But . . . Kait said it was perfect. She even kissed my cheek. I?—
“I am not saying this to be a dick, but you’re not really in aposition to be in a relationship with anyone right now. Aside from all the other factors of how complicated this is, do you really think you can make her happy?” he continues, his tone softening, but it doesn’t make it any easier to hear.
I let his words sink in, and they confirm everything I’ve thought. Why did I think we might be a good idea? Kait and I will never work. It’ll only end in disaster, just like every single other thing in my life. I ruin everything I touch.
“You’re right,” I croak out, feeling my heart break in my chest at the thought of pretending nothing happened. I thought it could be something good and worth fighting for. I love her, but why would she love me back? I’ll never be able to make her happy. I can’t even make myself happy. “Thanks,” I say, schooling my face into a mask that doesn’t allow anything through after my voice betrayed me.
Hunter’s looking at me with a mix of pity and embarrassment. “I’m sorry . . .” I tune out Hunter to disappear into my mind. It doesn’t matter what I do. I’ll never be good enough.
Not for Kaitlyn.
Not for my family.
So I do what Hunter suggested, and I pretend it never happened.
I feel like a ghost of myself after spending the last week ignoring Kaitlyn.
My parents are at a gallery showing with Kaitlyn’s parents, and because they’re all together, it’s just me, Hunter, and Kaitlyn tonight. They’re going to be back late, so Kaitlyn is supposed to stay in the guest room.
We were given explicit instructions to not leave the house to go anywhere, and if we tried, the doors were rigged withalarms. I know it’s a load of bullshit, but I don’t have it in me to try breaking the rules.
I’m done.
I could feel Kaitlyn’s eyes following me before I locked myself in my room to stare at the ceiling while listening to music. It’s the best shot I have to stop all the thoughts running through my head on a constant loop.
Carter tried cheering me up by asking if I wanted to meet up, but aside from going to school and therapy, I’m under constant surveillance.
I don’t want cheering up, though. I want to drown in my misery.
Maybe it’s childish of me to avoid Kaitlyn, but I don’t want her to look at me and see all the ways I’m not good enough for her. I don’t want her to talk to me, and show me kindness I don’t deserve. I don’t want to beanythingto her.
It was stupid to think she would want me.
My parents aren’t back yet, but the house has been quiet for the last hour. Technically, I’m not going through a door, or leaving the house by climbing through a window to get to my spot on the roof. The temperature has dropped over the last few nights, and I’m glad for my sweatshirt.
