“Hey,” she murmurs. “Everything okay…?”
I look around at her, and, for a moment, I see the woman who I was with last night—the woman I crave more than anything, the woman who stirs emotion in me deeper than anyone else I’ve ever met.
But, when I blink, it’s like she vanishes, and is replaced instead by a liability I’ve to do everything in my power to protect.
“Fine,” I reply, rising to my feet. “I need to talk to the guards, get more security on this wing of the house.”
Her face falls, and I know it’s the very last thing that she expected to hear. After last night, though, can it really come as that much of a surprise? I told her straight-up that there was nothing I wouldn’t do to keep her and the children safe, and that’s not going to change just because there is a part of her that still craves her freedom.
“What we talked about last night,” she remarks, broaching the subject carefully, making sure not to overstep the line and piss me off any more than she already has. “You don’t think… you don’t think, with Vinski gone, you could ease up a little? It’s not like there is anyone out for your business…”
“You really think it just goes away like that?” I reply quietly, not even looking back at her. “People saw a crack in my defenses. That shit doesn’t just go away because I want it to.”
“Yeah, but?—”
“There’s no arguing,” I snap back. “The choice is made. I’m not letting anyone look at me and see vulnerability-”
“There are more guards here than there are people to protect,” she points out, shaking her head. “Any more, and you won’t be able to move in this place for them. How much harder do youwant to make life for Maxim and Nina? They’re going to be tripping over people?—”
“They’re going to be safe,” I mutter. “And that’s all that fucking matters.”
I’m surprised by the harshness in my own tone, but I make no attempt to apologize for it. After what happened, after she was taken, she must see more clearly than anyone that there is something deeply and profoundly threatening lurking just out of sight, that there are those out there who would take it all from me if they could.
“You really aren’t going to listen to me on this?” she asks, sounding crestfallen.
I sigh and sit at the edge of the bed, finally looking at her properly. I can see her hurt written all over her face, how much she wants me to actually hear what she is saying to me. And I do, but that doesn’t mean I can just wind back the weight of everything that has happened these last few days.
“You hired me to help give your son a more normal life,” she continues, sensing that she has managed to reach at least some small part of me as she carefully touches my hand. “And I think this is how you can start to do it. Give him a little more freedom, let him out into the world.”
“I know what’s best for my son.”
She bites the inside of her cheek, clearly trying to contain a sharper comment. “I’m not saying you don’t,” she replies. “I’m just saying, now he’s getting older, now he’s been exposed to all of that anyway because of the attack, you could take this as a chance to actually... You know, let him see a little more of the world. Give him some experiences outside this house, right?”
She sounds hopeful, and there is a part of me that doesn’t not want to crush that quite so easily—but, on the other hand, I know I can’t just brush off the concern at the back of my mind right now. If something else were to happen to them, I know I wouldn’t be able to live with myself. If this is what it takes to ensure that I can rest easy at night, knowing that nobody will dare come close to them, then I’ll take it in any way I’m able.
I head to the door, adjusting my clothes and pulling on my pants. I have to talk to Ilya, see how many men we have after we made the move against Vinski, and how many more we need to bring in to make sure that nothing else like this ever gets the chance to take root again.
She doesn’t try calling out to me, perhaps sensing that the choice has already been made. She might still be fooling herself, thinking that this world is safe for her and the children, but it’s up to me to make sure she doesn’t let her naivety turn into something more.
And yet, even as I make my way through the mansion once more, I find myself wondering if I would have been better off staying in bed, next to her, at the side of the woman I can’t seem to extricate myself from.
22
CARA
I fiddle with my phone,wondering if it’s too late to call Sophie.
It’s nearly nine, and both Max and Nina are asleep. I managed to give them a pretty normal day today, despite everything that has happened, and I’m grateful that they seem to have passed out without much protest. But that has left me with a whole lot of time to myself, and, quite frankly, it’s the last thing I need right now.
Because I’ve been stuck in my head since the last time I really saw Alexei, when he left the bedroom after we spent the night together, intent on putting in the work on the security around here to make sure that nobody else would get a chance to make a move against him. Try as I might, I can’t shake the feeling that this is the kind of thing that is only going to make the situation worse, not better.
Nina, for her part, is still shaken by the events she had to endure, jumping at every little noise, looking over her shoulder as if she expects someone to spring out on her at any moment. I’ve tried to soothe her, convince her that this place is totally safe,but I’m not sure if she believes me. I’m not sure if she believes anything that is coming out of my mouth, honestly, not after what happened, and I can’t blame after.
And it hasn’t helped that I’ve felt as though I’m losing my mind up in here, with all the restrictions placed on me. Without Alexei to remonstrate with, I’m completely helpless against all of it.
I close my eyes, rubbing a hand over my face as I try to calm myself. There are times, when I’m feeling particularly vulnerable, that I can almost hear my mother’s voice at the back of my mind, telling me that I’m selfish and stupid for trying to make it on my own, that I’ve no gratitude for everything they did for me, and that I should be ashamed of myself for running off and getting myself pregnant with a man who’s name I didn’t even know.
Shit, I doubt she’d even be the only one to say that. I know that the way I’ve gone about building my family is unorthodox, to say the least.
