I twist the knob and pull my door open as she cries out. I move across the hall quickly. Her door is partially open, and a nightlight provides enough of a glow to see her thrashing around in bed.
“Don’t! Stop!” she kicks.
I’m frozen, unsure of what to do. My heart rate spikes, remembering when I tried to help her with her shoulder.
She cries out again. It’s more of a ground-out scream.
I slip around the side of her bed and drop to my knees. “Ryder,” I say softly, hoping she’ll hear my voice. She punches and kicks. “Ryder.”
She whines, and it’s gut-wrenching.
I swallow. “Ryder, wake up. It’s ok.” I resist touching her.
She whimpers.
“Shhh, it’s ok.”
Her eyes pop open, and in a flash, she’s sitting upright and a foot further away. Her eyes are wild, and she shrinks back, pulling the sheet with her.
I risk speaking. “Ryder, it’s ok. It was just a dream.”
Her eyes never leave my face. I’m not sure she even blinks as she sits tucked into a ball, breathing fast. Her hair is matted to her sweat-soaked skin.
I stay perfectly still, letting her see me. After a second, her eyes dart around the room and then land back on me.
She runs a hand over her face and into her hair. “I’m…I’m sorry.”
“Hey, it’s ok. Are you. . .all right?”
She nods subtly.
I give it a few seconds, then push against the bed to stand, and she flinches. It’s a fist to my gut. I don’t know what to do or how to help.
I think about when my brothers or sister had bad dreams. This is nowhere near the same, but it’s all I know.
“Do you. . .want me to sit here with you for a while?”
She stares at me with her knees pulled tightly to her chest, looking so small.
“No.” It’s demanding. “I’m fine.” She says it, but I’m not convinced I should leave her.
I stand, and she watches me. I inch slowly to the door, but stop. “I’m going to watch something boring on TV. If you can’t sleep, come find me. Ok?”
It takes a second, but then another gentle nod. I leave her, hating it when she’s far from fine.
I leave my door open and turn on the light beside my bed. I flip onSportsCenter, hearing the shower turn on across the hall. I try to relax, but all I see is her squeezed into the corner of the bed. She told me that where she’s been doesn’t even compare to the military. I thought it was a joke, but I just witnessed the truth of those words.
I close my eyes, unable to let myself even imagine, and I feel like a fucking coward.
I watch the latest highlights, and after a while, I hear the refrigerator open and close. I want to check on her and make sure she’s ok, but something tells me there’s nothing about what’s happened that’s ok. There’s not a damn thing I can do or say that will make whatever she was battling better. It ignites a kind of anger in me that’s not completely unfamiliar but also new.
Ryder thinks I’m fragile, and maybe I am compared to what some have seen and been through. I’m starting to fear I might even be ignorant. A result of the shelter I’ve been provided. Bymany standards, I’ve lived a privileged life, but it doesn’t mean I haven’t known pain or loss or that evil exists.
Flashes of Maggie crying and hurt fill my mind. My stomach churns, and a cool sweat coats my skin.
I sit in bed, awake for a long time, wanting to be sure she doesn’t need anything. Eventually, I drift to sleep, but I know when I wake, not a single part of everything that’s happened tonight will have left me. All I know for sure is. . .I don’t want it to.
Chapter 14
