“I thought she was going to bemyfriend,” I said.
He walked over to the counter and got himself a glass of water. He took a long drink, and his anger seemed to fade a little.
“Huh,” he said. “I thought you hated her.”
“So did I,” I said.
When he was done with his water, his shoulders slumped, and he just stood there looking at the sink full of dishes.
“Why are you even staying here if living with me is so miserable?” he said.
He sat down at the table. His question hung between us.
“That’s a fair question,” I said.
He waited for me to go on. And though it would have been easy to get up and walk away again, I found that my feet didn’t want to do that. It was getting exhausting, all this evading.
“I lost someone,” I said.
I took a breath. My father just watched.
“Somebody I think I loved.”
I tried not to look at him.
“I feel stupid saying that because we barely knew each other as it turns out. But it’s true. I loved him. Or maybe the idea of him. Anyway, he made things better for a while. And last year I needed that. For some reason, I couldn’t do it myself.”
My dad was looking me in the eyes now.
“Tess,” he said.
“When I heard he was dead, I didn’t know where to go. I couldn’t be at school. I really just wanted to disappear for a while. But when it came time to leave, I just came here. And I think now it’s because you don’t pretend.”
My father looked at me now.
“Pretend?”
“That death isn’t part of things. I don’t understand all the reasons you do what you do, maybe it’s mostly for the money, but you deal with dying the best you can. I think maybe I knew that. So I came here. Even though we aren’t that close anymore. Does that answer your question?”
He scratched his face, under his ear.
“God, Tess. I could have been more help if I had known what was going on,” he said. “I wouldn’t have...”
“I understand that,” I said. “But I couldn’t talk about it.”
He closed his mouth. I expected more anger about my secret. He had probably been through hell trying to find out what was wrong with me. But now that I’d told him, he seemed relieved more than anything else. Finally, he reached out and slung an arm around me.
“I’m sorry,” he said. “I love you and I’m sorry.”
I leaned against his shoulder. He spoke softly:
“I thought maybe you were just here because you knew I didn’t have the guts to kick you out,” he said.
I spoke into his shoulder. “That might be another reason.”
He smiled and pushed up the sleeves of his shirt.
“There is one thing you can do for me now,” I said. “If you really want to help.”
