Ben woke slowly, as if still tucked neatly into a dream. Sunlight streamed through the gauzy curtains, warming his face. His body was relaxed, supported by the cozy mattress.
Beds. God bless them.
He turned with a lazy stretch, a low groan.
He still felt mostly asleep when he saw Alexei.
Who was perched at the edge of the bed, propped tensely on an elbow, his other arm stretched across the mattress, as if half reaching toward Ben, half preparing himself for launch. His eyes were wide and wild: the most beautiful and terrified version of blue Ben had ever seen.
Last night returned to Ben in vivid detail, waking him abruptly all the way up.
“Lex—” Ben reached for him, but Alexei had already snapped out of his stupor. He snatched his hand back, blinking furiously.
Ben’s heart, which had been so wonderfully sleepy and content moments before, crushed like a fist inside his chest.
Alexei fumbled out of the bed, running a hand through his rumpled hair. He stepped toward the chair by the wall, where his underwear was, and slipped it on, and Ben could only watch him and remember. That body over his, under his mouth. It was the best body Ben had ever witnessed. And not just because of the muscles or because of the…everything, but because it belonged to Lex, this strong, kind, fascinating human being.
Who had just scurried into the bathroom and slammed the door without a second glance back.
Oh God.
Ben scrambled to a sitting position and hung his head in his hands.
He hadtoldhimself not to do this. Over and over. And then, at the slightest invitation—
Oh God, and it had been so good. Better than Ben even could have imagined. And despite his best intentions, Ben had imagined a lot.
And now Alexei was freaked the fuck out.
They could talk it through. Work it out. Because Ben thought he could say good-bye to this, but clearly, Ben was an idiot.
Alexei emerged from the bathroom with his toiletries bag, neatly packed.
He walked to his pack in the corner and hefted it onto his still-made bed. Found his shirt on the ground and pulled it over his shoulders, buttoning it over his magnificent chest.
He did not look at Ben once.
Alexei was leaving.
Ben knew it in his gut. As the realization sank in, he almost couldn’t speak at all. But he had to say something. Had to try.
“Lex. Listen. Last night was—”
“Ben, it’s fine.” Alexei pulled on his shorts. “It’s cool.”
He had said this last night, too, at the restaurant, and it had been so funny then. A phrase Ben had never heard Alexei say before, yet it had sounded so natural when he’d been comforting Ben about his life. Now it sounded ridiculous, like Alexei had turned into some kind of neutral-phrase-spouting robot.
“It’s cool?” Ben repeated, with confusion. Because also, this response didn’t even make sense.
“Yes. It’s cool.”
Ben stared at Alexei’s back as he turned to pick up his trailrunners.
“Alexei,” he said softly. “It’s not cool. I mean, that’s not—” He rubbed a hand over his face. “We should talk about it. I’m sorry, Lex, if—”
“I’d prefer to not talk about it.” Alexei collapsed into the chair where his underwear had been, unrolling his socks. “Ben, I’m sorry. I meant to talk to you about this in a better way, but I think I’d like to get back on the trail sooner rather than later.” He bent down to slip on his shoes. “Alone,” he added, speaking to the floor.
As if Ben didn’t know. As if this wasn’t obvious.
