But Ben still flinched anyway.
“Alexei,” he tried again, but it came out as soft and feathery as before, like he was about to burst into tears. Which it was possible he was, but that definitely wouldn’t help this situation. He cleared his throat. “Lex, if you want to stop hiking with me, that’s fine, although I really wish you’d hear me out. But either way, this is a bad decision. You need the full zero. I know we had a relatively light hiking day yesterday before we got here, but your body needs—”
“Ben.” Alexei held out a hand, as if to physically stop Ben from speaking. Which Ben supposed was fair. Lord knew he was already regretting letting the wordsyour bodyescape his mouth. “I know what you’re saying. But I feel good. And I’m already behind on my mileage goals, so I need to catch up now if I want to make it to Canada before the snow.”
Alexei stood and did a quick scan of the room, looking for anything he’d missed.
Except for Ben. He still hadn’t made eye contact with Ben.
“Come on, Lex.” It sounded weak and defeated, even to his own ears. “You should at least stay until we can do some laundry.”
“I’m okay. I’ll only get anxious hanging around here today anyway.”
Even though both Alexei and Ben knew this was patently untrue. It was Ben who had gotten anxious and bored during the last zero day; Alexei had clearly been at peace. It was Alexei who had put Ben at ease by reading to him.
Oh. Ben swallowed.
He wouldn’t find out what happened to Alanna.
“If that’s…what you want,” Ben managed.
“It is.”
He sounded so certain. And Ben knew he was.
Alexei wanted to be alone. Ben had always known it. He just maybe hadn’t actually respected it until now.
He turned to the window and listened to Alexei put on his pack. The shifting of fabric as Alexei adjusted it against his hips, the click of straps put into place. The tinny clang of Alexei’s trekking poles banging together.
And then, a moment of silence.
“Ben?”
Ben closed his eyes. Alexei finally sounded like himself, voice gentle, a little uncertain. And it set Ben on the very edge of cracking.
“Yeah?”
Another beat of quiet.
“Thank you.” Alexei’s pack shifted against his back. “For walking with me.”
Ben nodded, his throat too thick to say any more.
He waited until he heard the click of the door.
And then he fell back against the pillow. The mattress only felt droopy now. Too soft.
He fell promptly asleep anyway.
***
The next time he awoke, the sun shone even higher in the sky, Ben’s body felt far worse than it had before, and he desperately needed to pee.
After that matter of business finally propelled him out of bed, he paced the room, hands in his hair. He should get to the Laundromat, pronto. He should take another shower. He should finally open his resupply box.
He sat down on the bed and called Julie.
“What happened?” she asked, breathless, after picking up on the third ring. “Did you hurt yourself? Did a bear attack you? Fuck. Was it a rattlesnake?”
