He had done this only a couple times before, but he wanted to do it right for Ben. The noises Ben was making made him feel like he was doing an okay job so far. Encouraged him to keep going.
Alexei took a breath. And he took as much of Ben into his mouth as he could.
“Jesus Christ, Lex. Oh, fuck, I probably shouldn’t have said that to you. Lord’s name in vain. I’m so sorry. I—oh fuck, that feels good.”
Alexei released his suction for a moment to laugh, which made Ben whimper, and a bolt of happiness pinged through Alexei’s heart. He started to lose himself soon afterward, in the stream of curses leaving Ben’s mouth, the rhythm of Ben’s hips, Alexei’s own muscles taut and vibrating.
Ben’s breath came faster, heavier, as his lower body lifted off the bed, pushing shamelessly farther and faster into Alexei’s mouth. Alexei slid a hand around Ben’s backside, squeezing and steadying his movements, feeling the tension coiling in his thighs, the urgency in how Ben grasped at his shoulders. What a gift, to bring someone pleasure, to learn how bodies reacted to every variation of touch. Alexei felt overwhelmed with it. When Ben came, Alexei couldn’t watch his face as closely as he had hoped, but he could hear Ben’s breathy cry, and that felt like a wonder, too.
He planted soft kisses along Ben’s side as he clambered upward, falling contentedly onto his side. Ben’s arms were raised, his forearms crossed over his forehead, eyes closed, chest rising and falling. Alexei ran a hand over the soft hair there, feeling Ben’s heart beneath it, studying the physicalness of him here, next to him. Their bodies were both painted in vivid hiker tans: their necks, faces, hands, and calves darkened from the sun, the rest of them pale as winter. Well, Alexei was a frostier shade of winter than Ben, Ben was—
Alexei’s train of thought was cut short by Ben throwing himself on top of Alexei rather suddenly, flattening his back against the mattress, Ben’s forearms locked around Alexei’s shoulders.
“My turn,” he said.
“Oh,” Alexei said, dumbfounded. And then, “You don’t have—”
“Stop it.” While the words were aggressive, the kiss Ben planted on Alexei’s lips was gentle, reassuring. “I want to.”
Alexei swallowed, a heady anticipation crashing into his system, scrambling all of his wires. He had already been so happy. He had thought—
But then he really looked at Ben’s face, and Alexei laughed. Because Ben looked slightly out of his mind. His eyes were unfocused; he struggled for breath.
“You could, you know, take a minute,” Alexei said, reaching up to run a hand through Ben’s hair. It was damp at the scalp but felt light and clean between his fingers. He still couldn’t quite believe, even after what they’d just done, that Ben was letting him touch it.
“No,” Ben said, and his hand reached down between them, clamped itself around Alexei’s dick, “I don’t believe I can.”
Alexei’s breath caught in his throat. “Don’t—”
Ben let go immediately.
“Sorry,” Ben pulled back, frowning. “I shouldn’t have assumed—should have asked—”
“No, it’s—” Alexei closed his eyes. How to explain you were more turned on than you’d ever been in your life? “I’m just literally about to go off any second.”
“Oh,” Ben said on a heavy exhale. He leaned down again, resting his forehead against Alexei’s, noses touching. “Fair.”
They stayed like that a moment, and Alexei’s eyes fluttered open to take in the sight of Ben’s eyelashes, the light freckles on his cheeks, his parted lips.
When Ben moved, he was slower, deliberate, started at Alexei’s neck, made his way down Alexei’s chest. Alexei’s head lolled back on the pillow. There was no wrong or right way to be in this liminal space: no sin; no guilt; no hurt. Only Ben’s hands, Ben’s mouth, so tender and attentive, and the way they made Alexei feel, like he was made of fireworks: hot, thrilling bursts of color.
Alexei tried to make it last as long as possible, he really did, but holy hell, Ben wasgoodat this. His hair tickled Alexei’s thighs; it was hard to believe that Ben—that Ben was—oh God, Ben was making Alexei feel so good. It felt like approaching the top of a waterfall, the thundering roar getting closer and closer, until you finally got near enough to see the drop-off, and it felt like the whole world cascaded off the edge.
His fingers gripped the sheets, stars dancing behind his eyelids when he reached that edge, obliterated. When he finally blinked his eyes open, Ben was still between his legs, lips kissing the inside of Alexei’s thigh, his hip bone.
This was the moment. This was when the emptiness always poured in before, at almost the exact instant the orgasm receded, everything that had felt so good and powerful in the moments leading up to it replaced with shame and awkwardness. Alexei had never known how best to proceed at this juncture, how to reconcile the riotous feelings of his body with his mind.
But now, here, Ben, who was smaller than him, turned Alexei’s boneless body onto its side. Ben wrapped an arm around him, holding him tightly, with intention, taking control, giving Alexei everything he had ever wanted, the space for his body to ride this out, to rest in it. Alexei fumbled for Ben’s hand. Finding it, he brought it to his mouth and kissed its palm before twining his fingers through Ben’s and returning it to its resting place, on Alexei’s chest.
He felt Ben kiss the back of his shoulder.
He knew he wouldn’t wake up alone.
Alexei’s chest expanded larger than Alexei had ever felt it, a brand-new entity inside himself. Large enough for joy.
And large enough for a single shard of something else, something composed of unease and fear, to rear its head, resting easily next to Alexei’s heart. It pressed there, small but persistent, until Alexei’s body overrode it all, and he fell asleep.
Chapter Twelve
