“But Phenex said—”
“You don’t have any blood on you,” he cut in. “If you’d killed someone, you’d at least have the scent of it on you. The stuff on your cheeks. It’s just a little dirt. You didn’t do anything bad.”
Relief shuddered through me, and my knees wobbled. I almost fell to the floor from the intensity of it all. Caim was right. Not a single hint of blood was anywhere on my body. The monster in me might have ached to harm someone, but it hadn’t gotten what it wanted.
“What if I washed it off?” I couldn’t help but ask. It seemed impossible that I had. Phenex would definitely have heard that.
“I can smell the streets on you,” he said. “If you’d washed off any blood, it would have washed the streets off, too. You’re fine, Eva. You haven’t harmed anyone. But even if you had, I would still help you. You wouldn’t have been in your right mind when you did it.”
But that was just it. I was a newborn demon, unable to control herself. Just like the members of the Cult of Lilith. The very demons Caim had been hunting tonight. The beings he wanted to destroy and erase from existence.
Caim must have read my face well enough to understand where my thoughts went. He tucked his finger beneath my chin and forced me to meet his fierce gaze. “You are nothing like them, Eva.”
“Aren’t I?” I asked in a shaky whisper. Another tear spilled down my cheek. “I have the same darkness inside me. The same horrible, brutal urge for violence. I can’t control myself. I can’t even remember half of what I did. I’m just like them, Caim. And you want to destroy them.”
“Do you want to know what the difference is between you and them?” he asked in a low, rumbling voice. “Youwantto control it. You don’t want to spill blood. They do. Even when they were fully human, they wanted chaos and death. They worship Lilith, for fuck’s sake. You are nothing like them.” He paused and pressed his forehead against mine. “You we can save.”
I leaned into him, desperately wanting to believe his every word. And maybe he was right. If I hadn’t harmed anyone tonight, if I had somehow resisted the violent urge when I didn’t even know what was real and what wasn’t, then maybe I could fight against this thing long enough for us to find me a way out of it.
“Any news on the cure?” I flinched at my own words. They felt so hollow and self-serving after everything that had gone on tonight. “I’m sorry. Forget I asked that. I know you were busy following the cult tonight. Did you manage to stop them?”
He stiffened, his jaw flickering. “We lost their trail. They led us to Times Square and then vanished. We think they’re making more use of witchcraft than we first thought.” His lips lifted upward. “But don’t you worry about that cure. First thing tomorrow, I’ll start tracking it down.”
“Won’t that take you away from fighting the cult?” I asked. “If they harm someone else because you’re chasing after a cure for me...”
“There are five of us,” he said firmly. “And Asmodeus is on his way back to Manhattan as we speak.”
I nodded, but I couldn’t help but feel guilty for taking his focus off the cult. The Legion needed all the fighters they could get right now. The Princes of Hell were powerful, but the cult had so many tricks up their sleeves.
“Besides,” he said with a gentle smile. “Helping you helps us. If you’re cured, the cult has no way of creating any more newborn demons.”
“Alright,” I said slowly. “You do have a point there.”
“Good.” He brushed his lips across my forehead. My entire body tensed, and my breath caught in my throat. It had been far too long since we’d had a moment like this. But before I could reach up and wrap my arms around his neck, he turned away and left me in the cold. I released an audible sigh as he motioned for me to follow him into the bathroom.
Heart pounding, I trailed after him, feet barefoot on the grey-tiled floor. He reached in and turned on the shower, twisting the dial up on the heat. The water cascaded down from a wide, shimmering shower head that transformed the bathroom into a rainforest. The hum of it soothed my tired soul.
Caim’s eyes sparked as he wound his hands around the bottom hem of my shirt and tugged at the material. “A shower will make you feel better, but you’ll have to get out of these clothes.”
I swallowed hard. I wasn’t in the shower yet, but I already felt hot. “Sure. But only if you join me.”
His chest rumbled as he chuckled. “I’m surprised you’re feeling frisky after everything that happened tonight.”
Exhaustion pounded against my head as I curled a finger against his chest. Truth was, all I wanted was to haul myself into the bed and sleep for days. My whole body felt weighed down, anchors dragging me deeper into the ground. Mind numb, heart pounding, it was all just too much. Flirting with Caim was a nice distraction, but I could tell by the look on his face that he knew I felt like shit.
“It’s just been so long since we had time together,” I whispered to him.
His gaze softened, and he rubbed his thumb against my cheek. “I know, Eva. It’s been a rough couple of weeks. We’ll have time together soon. I promise. But for now...” He reached behind me and pushed open the shower door. “You should relax and rinse off everything that happened tonight.”
Nodding, I pulled away from him and tugged off my clothes. Caim’s heated gaze lingered on my skin, even as he held himself back. I thought about trying to tempt him closer again, but my energy was so zapped all I could manage to do was climb into the shower.
As the water poured across my skin, I heard Caim’s boots on the tile, followed by the soft click of the bathroom door. I was alone. With nothing but my churning thoughts. Memories of that rage burned in the back of my mind. The thoughts that had consumed me. That desperation for violence and pain.
Tears filled my eyes, and my head drooped forward. The hot water trickled down my neck. I knew none of this was my fault. I’d never asked for this. All I’d ever wanted was to live a normal life, and it had been taken from me at every turn.
But I still felt guilty for how easily I’d given in to the monster growing inside of me.
The monster that still clawed to get out, even now.
