I shook my head, unable even to speak.
“I’ll be back.”
I watched him disappear into the still thickening crowd.And then I spun on her again, face flaming.“What thefuck?”
“It’s nothing he didn’t know,” she said with a shrug.
“He didn’t know I asked your advice!”And that was so, so shitty.Like, it stungme, to have him know; how could it not sting him?
“Of course he did.He probably asked his friends for advice, too.”
“He doesn’t have friends.”Then I bit my tongue.“Fuck.Fuck, Toni.You said you’d be nice.”
“I am!”She looked genuinely offended.“I didn’t say that, but I am being nice!”
“What, by basically telling him I’m withholding a fuckingtitlefrom him because you told me to?Heismy boyfriend, Toni!He eats with me, he hangs out with me, he sleeps in my bed, he fucks me!”
Someone one table over burst out laughing.I was about to apologize, but Toni said, “But he wants that title.That’s your power.”
“Are you fuckinginsane?”
“Didn’t Drake teach you anything?”She shook her head.“You gotta guard your power, D.”
“It’s not a fucking competition,” I insisted.“This is why you can’t hang onto a girlfriend.”
“Okay, let’s not make it about me.”
But I wasn’t done.“Iknowit irritates the fuck out of you that I get carried away.But you can’t—”
“No.I think it’s great.But I also think it fucks you, and as your friend—”
“You should’ve had this conversation withme, not withhim.”
She blinked a few times.Sipped her lemonade.Tipped her chin upward again and said, “Maybe.”
“Fuck, Toni.”I dragged a hand through my hair, crunching the curls in frustration.“Why did I fucking quit smoking?”
I mean, apart from not waking up with my mouth tasting like ashes and not spending ten bucks a week on something that was literally gonna kill me.
“If he really cares, he’ll—”
“Shut up,” I warned her with a sideways glance.“I love you, I know you love me, and I know you think you’re helping.But if you don’t shut the fuck up right now, we’re done for the day at least.I need a minute.”
She pressed her lips together tight but nodded.
Taran came back with beer.Stood beside me to watch as the band, a local punk outfit with kilts and bagpipes in the mix, started a blessedly loud set.I glanced at him furtively, leaned into his arm.He put it around my waist and tucked a thumb into my belt loop.Stayed close, even though we sweated at the point of contact.I narrowly denied a powerful urge to shove my face in his armpit and just fucking stay there.
***
In the Uber back to my place, I told him, “I’m so sorry.I didn’t—that’s not why I didn’t…”
He smiled and ran a hand through his short, thick hair.“It’s okay.I mean, it’s good to know, actually.”
“No,” I insisted.I’d worked so fucking hard to make sure he didn’t feel like he had anything to prove to me.To let him know we were on equal footing now.And here came Toni with her insecure bullshit to ruin it all in one goddamn afternoon.Fuck.“No, honestly, I just—I thought she just meant I should protect myself and not go too fast.I always go too fast.It’s a genuine issue.”
He toyed with one of my curls, smiling lopsidedly.“I know.”
“Do you?Because I don’t talk about it, because it’s embarrassing, and it’s vulnerable, and I feel fucking stupid about all my romantic bullshit illusions.”
