“Yeah.Church doesn’t do cremation,” I said.
“Fuckkkkk,” he huffed quietly.
Mom knelt by the headstone and settled her basket of flowers in front of it.“Happy birthday, honey.Wish you were here.”
I kissed Diego’s cheek and went to kneel next to Mom.She took my hand and squeezed it, and when she looked up, her eyes were misty.“Thank you for coming.”
“Of course,” I murmured, squeezing the crumpled letter in my pocket even harder.
“He left us so suddenly.”She blew out a long breath, like she’d been holding it forever.“You have to live like there’s no tomorrow.Even you young people.”
“You’re not exactly ancient,” I reminded her.But she was right.One day, Dad was talking shit about the Steelers coaching staff, the next they were telling us it was a tiny little blood clot that killed him.
She nodded and pressed my hand, then made to stand up.
I started to help her, but Diego was already there, holding out his hand.She took it with a smile, then said to me, “Do you need a moment?”
I nodded.
She picked her way back to the path, leaving Diego shifting uncomfortably behind me.When I made to stand, he took my hand, even though I didn’t need the help.I kept it, tucked it into my arm, and stood there with him at the foot of my father’s grave in silence for a long second.
“You gonna leave it?”he whispered, tossing the rose gently so it landed in front of the headstone.
I let go of the wad of paper in my pocket.Shook my head.
“You sure?”Diego asked.
I pulled him toward the path but stopped to put my hand on the massive headstone.It did seem kind of silly to come out here andnotsay anything.Even if I was saying it to the air.
So I said, “Hey, Dad.Tried to write you a letter but it turns out I suck at writing.”
Diego squeezed my hand.
“This is Diego,” I said.“I’m sure you remember him from school.”
Diego shot me a questioning look but didn’t say a word.
“So, I love him,” I said with a sigh.“And I wish I could tell you that for real.I wish I’d told you that when I was seventeen.”
The stone was cold under my hand, even though the day was hot and sticky.There was a little breeze that kept it from being unbearable, and there was plenty of shade in the graveyard.
Mom paused on the path up ahead, turned back to look at me.Smiled.
“I don’t give a fuck what you think about that,” I said to the ground.Still quietly, but I put my whole fucking chest into it.And then, “But I love you.”
Chapter 16: DIEGO
AsmanytimesasI’ve declared I don’t give a fuck what someone thinks about me, only to then obsess nonstop over what they think about me, I know a little bit about that shit.What confounded me about Taran’s situation was that he was stuck wondering, which was very different in practice from knowing outright that someone doesn’t like you, or doesn’t approve of something about you.
He couldn’t even be mad, not really.Mad at what?The world?Like, get in line, man.Most of uswishit was the end days right now, but we know we’re not that fucking lucky.
I took him to my place, made him a drink, and settled him on my couch with Shortcake to watch over him.Then I snuggled up to him like usual, and said, “Thanks for letting me come.”
“It might not seem like it, but it really helped,” he said, eyebrows up.
“Did you think it wouldn’t?”Because I was definitely getting that vibe.
“No.But I didn’t expect to feel so brave.Not sure I would’ve without you.”
