She had no idea how this had gone so badly wrong, and it was triggering the memories of another time that she could not face. “I am so, so sorry for your loss,” she began, holding on to what was left of her control as tightly as she could. “Really, I am. It’s a terrible thing to have happen. But this was always a possibility, and Daniel understood that.”
Alysa looked up from where she’d been sobbing into her son’s shoulder. “Don’t you say his name,” she hissed, her face a rictus of grief and rage. “Keep his name out of your mouth! And get out of my sight.”
“Yeah. Get lost,” the eldest son growled, wrapping his mother up again in a protective embrace as she dissolved into tears. His brothers gathered around as well, the family all huddled together, glaring at her with an almost palpable hostility.
There seemed to be nothing else she could do. Victoria took in a long, slow breath through her nose, bobbed her head in a curt nod, and turned to walk away. But where to go? She felt herself going all to pieces inside, and she needed to find somewhere to pull herself back together.
She made her way to a corridor that would take her back towards the hospital’s main bank of lifts. There was a stairwell in that vicinity no one ever really used, since there were so very many lifts. Moving briskly, Victoria headed for it, not realizing until she was reaching for the door handle that she’d had herhands clenched so tightly into fists that her short nails had bitten deep into her palms, drawing blood.
Smoothly, she slid through the door, pulling it shut behind her. Reaching into the pockets of her scrub trousers, she found a packet of facial tissues and pulled one out, dabbing at the cuts on her palms. She paid careful, close attention to the insignificant wounds, focusing on them and trying to beat back the flashbacks and the rising clump of panic in her throat.
Help, was all she could think as she bent double, wrapping her arms tight around her waist. Her breaths came in short, rasping heaves, nothing that filled her lungs adequately. Victoria felt as though she were suffocating, her face hot, throat full, eyes brimming with tears she refused to shed.
None of this should be happening. That surgery had been textbook, Daniel Jennings should have survived it. She shouldn’t have had to tell a family that their father, their husband, that he was dead. And as much as she was trying to give them grace in the wake of their loss, she didn’t think she deserved what Alysa Jennings and her oldest child had thrown at her, that venom, those harsh words. She’d been matter of fact, she’d tried to give them as much information as possible so they could understand, had they wanted her to come flying out of the operating room wailing and beating her chest?
This shouldn’t have happened again…“I’m a good surgeon,” she whispered through her next stomach-churning attempt at a deep breath.
“Dr. Ellis?”
The cautious words and a gentle hand on her back cut through Victoria’s bewildered panic, snapped her out of her spiral into dark pools of bad memories, and she straightened up immediately, turning to see who had caught her in all this indignity. The little blonde nurse from the ICU was standing there, all big blue eyes and concern.Hayley Milton, Victoriaremembered. She was the charge nurse for the ICU. She had been meant to handle the transfer of Daniel Jennings from the operating team to her unit, but of course now she would be surplus to requirements. And she was clearly worried about Victoria. “I’m sorry, Dr. Ellis, I don’t mean to bother you.”
“It’s fine.” Though she felt far from fine, Victoria did her best to put on a calm demeanor, blinking back tears as she straightened up to her full height. “Did you need anything from me?”
“No, no.” Nurse Milton shook her head. “I know about Daniel Jennings. Dr. Proctor let me know.”
Victoria frowned. “Then…”
“I saw what happened with the familyin the waiting room. It was uncalled for.” Her eyes searching, Nurse Milton stayed focused on Victoria. “I’m sorry you had to endure that. I wanted to make sure you were all right.”
The concern, while Victoria knew it was meant as a kindness, felt like a knife to the gut. She withdrew further and stepped back from the nurse. “I’m fine, thank you for asking, Nurse Milton.” She ran her hands over her hair, smoothing any little flyaways down and tucking them into her bun. “I certainly appreciate your concern.”
Hayley seemed taken aback, but by what, Victoria wasn’t sure. “Can I get you anything? A water, coffee, candy bar?”
“That won’t at all be necessary.” Victoria felt her mobile buzz in her pocket and pulled it out. A calendar reminder about her next surgery, a simple single stent insertion in one hour. “Do excuse me, Nurse Milton. I need to go prepare for my next procedure.”
“I think you should take a moment for yourself, Dr. Ellis.” The little nurse was earnest, Victoria would grant her that. “Go somewhere quiet and restful. There’s a group of Reflection Pods up on the Derm floor that?—”
“Thank you, Nurse Milton,” Victoria said firmly, wanting to shut down any further discussion. “Your concern is noted, and I will be in my office if anyone needs me.”
I’m feeling better already, Victoria reflected as she exited the stairwell and headed for a lift that would take her to the Cardio floor and her office. She’d spend a bit of time in there, make a cup of tea, and by the time she needed to scrub in for her stent insertion, she would be fully collected and fine in herself once more.
She didn’t notice Hayley Milton continuing to watch her through the little window in the stairwell door, concern still written all over her face.
“We need to check again,” Victoria instructed through gritted teeth, her scalpel held frozen in the air over her patient. “We have got to be absolutely sure the veins are clear.”
“They’re clear, Vic, I promise they are.” Ashley’s voice was soft but unyielding. “We do not need to check again. You and I both checked the blood thinner levels, we did the CT scan, there are no clots. I promise, you can make the cut, we can do this surgery. It’s a nothing surgery, you’ve done so many of these.”
“Check. Again.” Her jaw ached with how hard she was clenching it. And she knew she was being unreasonable, but she could not, would not make her hand move to open up this patient until she felt completely sure it wouldn’t all end in disaster again. That she wouldn’t lose a patient for no good reason, that she wouldn’t be accused of being a cold-hearted killer.
“Think logically,” Ashley pleaded as the rest of the staff in the OR exchanged uncertain glances. “We’re here, the field is sterile,the patient is under. We’ve done all the checks, Vic. We are good to go. You know I of all people wouldn’t let you proceed without knowing you had determined that to as close to 100% as you can get.”
It was thatas close to 100%that kept her hand from moving, that had frozen her up so completely that the scrub nurse for this procedure, Lindsay, had had to send one of the observing interns to go get Ashley out of her office, have her scrub in, and stand before Victoria pleading for her to just do her damn job. That little bit of uncertainty that it was impossible to erase because no surgery could ever be a completely known and guaranteed entity had her standing still, demanding their sterile and draped patient be dragged unconscious into the CT room and scanned one last time.
For a stent insertion, a procedure Victoria could perform in her sleep.
But she couldn’t move.
The scalpel fell from her motionless fingers and clattered to the OR floor. Lindsay bent down and retrieved it, setting it aside on the tray reserved for used instruments. She stared at Victoria, shocked. Everyone did.
