“I don’t want to losehim.”
“I’d have to hire three people to match the work you’re doing here.”
Praise wasn’t going to work. It was nice, but my job was nothing compared to the reality that I did indeed feel like I’d metmy soul-mate. I’d choose Sage a hundred times over if it came to that.
I clasped my hands and lifted them to my mouth. Inhaling sharply, I said, “Here’s my plan. Make of it what you will. I’ll take the time off. I’ll see Sage. In the meantime, if you do hear from HR and they say no, understand that I will be leaving the firm.”
Harold shut his eyes and bowed his head. “I hate to see that. Are you sure?”
“I’ve never been more sure of anything.”
“I’m sad to hear you say that. And a little miffed, too. He must be very special.”
“He is.”
“Will you please finish out the day?” Harold asked.
“I can do that.”
All afternoon,I kept thinking I should text Sage. But I wanted to see him face to face. Then I could explain everything. Tonight.
The evening had to be special.
I left work at five and went shopping. I bought his favorite foods. I bought more candles. I bought him some baby stuff which he could pick and choose over. I still wasn’t sure what all he liked and didn’t like. But he’d mentioned a bottle once and I went into the baby aisle and bought him one, along with a pack of glittery pacifiers, bubble bath, baby shampoo, bubblegum flavored toothpaste along with real Bazooka bubblegum. And some other fun things. Then I spied a rattle with the yellow head of a duck. I knew he’d love that when he was his baby self.
I couldn’t wait to give him all his presents. I bought a colorful party bag and put them all inside.
I was so excited. After receiving Sage’s text yesterday about him missing me lots and lots, I would finally be seeing him. I could tell him everything.
It was a Thursday and I knew he usually worked on Thursdays. I wasn’t sure I should bother him. Would it be too last minute to ask him to come over after his shift ended at midnight? He’d done it in the past many times. If we were tired we enjoyed simply sleeping together, our legs and arms all tangled beneath warm blankets.
I wasn’t sure what to do. But first I needed to get home. I wanted a shower. I wanted out of my goddammed lawyer suit. Then I would contact my baby boy and hope he forgave me for my silence, prayed he would want to meet me after his shift. It had been awful not to be able to contact him. Not answering his sweet text from yesterday had crushed me.
I parked in my garage, then hurried inside with all my goodies. My heart started to feel full again, my footsteps lighter. That was how much Sage had affected my life. He deserved everything. He deserved my heart and I vowed I would tell him I loved him tonight.
I spent some time setting up the house, getting things ready. I wanted to surprise Sage. I took a shower, then looked at the time. He wouldn’t be off work for another few hours.
I took out my phone and stared at it. I needed to figure out how best to write my text. I hadn’t answered his last text. Since then, he had remained silent. I needed to be contrite but also casual. And warm and friendly. I imagined he was feeling as lost as I had felt these last few days.
My heart ached that I had put him in that position. I chastised myself for not being more decisive with HR and Harold. I thought maybe it would be no more than a day before I heard back from HR. I wanted everything to be in order. I didn’t want to jump the gun and quit if I didn’t really have to.
But the days had stretched out. It had been so unfair to Sage.
I’d been afraid of losing my job if I handled this wrong. But my deepest truth was I was more afraid of losing Sage. I was mad at myself for letting this stretch out so long. For not texting him back despite promising HR I would not contact him. Fuck them. They made me feel as if I’d been complicit in a crime. I should have stood up to them.
As I started to type, there was a knock at my door. At this hour? It was almost ten p.m.
I stuck my phone in my pocket and went to the door, looking out through the glass pane.
The wind made a soft moan around the house. The air was cold. It was supposed to snow tonight. When I saw who it was, my chest felt like it was caving in.
There stood my baby, my Sage, coatless and without a scarf or hat, the wind blowing his blond hair into a tangle. He was all alone. Tears rolling down his cheeks.
19
Sage
Daddy Preston never answered my text. I cried all night long, then called in sick to work the next day. I never went to class.
