“Okay, so…any boyfriends you’ve failed to mention?”
I’m getting all worked up thinking about him going on dates, holding someone’s hand, having his first kiss, and keeping it all from me.
I don’t realize I’m holding my breath while waiting for his answer until he says, “No,” and I exhale. “Just hookups. I’m basically still in the closet, you know?”
I’m not a fan of the thought of him dating a guy. Not because it’s a dude, but because it isn’tme.I know that’s totally selfish and fucked up, but if Damon starts dating a guy, I think it would feel like he’s replacing me, and I don’t like that at all.
He’d have a new man to shoot the shit with, solve problems with, dolifewith, and while yes, he can do all those things with a girlfriend, it isn’t the same. She would occupy her territory, and I’d occupy mine. We’d offer Damon different things.
But a guy?
That’s a direct threat to my place in Damon’s life.
“Hey, Li,” Damon says, his voice calling me back from this trippy rabbit hole. “Where’d you go?”
Somewhere I’ve never been before,I think to myself. Out loud, I say, “I’m still here. Will you ever come out to your family?”
He shrugs and pushes his hand against one of the jets in the tub to distract himself from this conversation as he offers an answer.
“I mean, eventually,” he says before elaborating. “Being a twin is really cool most of the time, but it also carries a constant undercurrent of anxiety. People expect us to have the same haircut, the same laugh, the same IQ, drive the same car, have the same job…but I’m not Taylor, and I’ve spent a decent portion of my life trying to make that clear. Tay’s always been so sure of himself and who he is. He offers no apologies and lives with no regrets, and I’ve never been able to do that. In fact, I think I could feel that from an early age, which is why I clung to you so hard. I didn’t have to compete with you. I could just beDamonwith you, notTaylor’s twin brother. When I come out, I can’t help but feel like people are going to think I’m doing it just because Tay’s gay or something.”
My answer is immediate, and my words come out harsher than necessary because I get angry when I see him hurting.
“So, what? You’re going to punish yourself by staying in the closet? D, who cares what other people think?”
I’m afraid maybe I’ve pushed too far on a subject I know nothing about because Damon just quietly nods his head for a while. I move to sit next to him and pull him into my chest for a hug because, fuck it, he needs a damn hug right now, and I breathe a sigh of relief when he hugs me back.
“No matter what, I’ve got you. You know that, right?” I ask, my face practically buried in his neck.
He says nothing, but I feel his body shudder with his sobs.
I hold him while he pulls himself together, praying he clings to me as long as he needs to. It feels good to finally give back to him. It’s as if now that I’ve made the decision to get my act together and become the man I want to be, I’ve removed the need for Damon to have to hold his shit together, as well as my own. It seems taking that pressure away has allowed him to finally break.
“I love you, D.”
“Love you more,” he chokes out.
To be honest, I’m just not sure that’s possible.
Chapter 17
Damon
Igave up trying to sleep hours ago. My mind is a whirlwind of thoughts, emotions, plans, and dreams. I was so close to knocking on Li’s door and just climbing into bed with him. Lord knows, if the roles were reversed, he wouldn’t have even bothered knocking. I’d have just woken up with him melting my skin with his body heat.
Will I ever feel that again?
He didn’t mind hugging me in the hot tub where not a single inch separated us, but ever since finding out I’m gay, he hasn’t laid his head in my lap or found comfort in my bed, either, and it’s impossible to feel like I didn’t fuck that part of our relationship up.
It’s been like ten minutes,the rational side of my brain chides.Give him some time.
Bundled in my parka, I sit in the Adirondack chair on the deck, overlooking the abandoned slopes, glass of red wine in hand. The heaviness of the liquid warms my stomach despite the freezing temperatures. Eventually, I’ll find a healthier coping mechanism, but right now is not ‘eventually.’
The stars out here are incredible. It’s so cold, and the air is so thin and crisp at seven thousand feet that on a cloudless night like tonight, I can see across the entire galaxy.
My breath is visible with every exhale, and I silently wonder if my tears will freeze on my face. They haven’t started falling yet, but their arrival is imminent as I allow myself to sink below the surface of despair.
I am so stupid. Of all the people on the planet, how could I have allowed myself to fall for Liam?I can’t imagine my life without him, but having him in my life is going to kill me even faster.
