“D, I’m six-foot-two, and I fell like eighteen inches onto carpet. I’m fine. Now, tell me what the fuck is going on withyou.”
Damon’s eyes trail to his obvious erection, and mine follow just in time to see him drive the heel of his hand into it before standing up, moving to the wet bar, and pouring a drink. He stayed sober with me when we met Owen and Storm, but it looks like whatever he’s about to say requires a little liquid courage.
After slamming back the first drink he poured, he refills his glass, and I make my way over to him. Propping one hand on thesmall marble countertop next to his hip, I lean forward so I’m in his line of sight.
“I can tell you from experience that anything after this glass isn’t worth it. Just come talk to me.” When he makes no move to follow me back to the couch, I hit him with the lowest blow I can manage because desperate times and all of that. “Unless you still think I can’t handle the truth.”
That gets him, and his eyes meet mine.
“That’s not it.”
“Then come tell me what itis.”
He throws back his second pour before moving back into the living room. He sits on the fireplace hearth instead of next to me, and I can’t begin to describe how much that hurts. That he’s not comfortable enough to tell me whatever it is he needs to say. That he won’t let me be there for him.
“Liam, I’m gay,” he finally says, catching me off guard.
Whoa.
I wasn’t expecting that, but I don’t really give a shit if he’s into dick. Idogive a shit that he’s kept this from me, though. I’ve been wasting all this time trying to find a nice girl for him, when I should’ve been barking up trees in a whole different forest!
Boy, do I want to lash out. I want to fuckingrageat him right now, but I hold back. Because it’s past time for me to prove to Damon that Icanhandle the truth, and handle it with grace and maturity. After taking a long inhale and letting out an even longer exhale, I finally start.
“We’ve been friends for twenty years, D. Almost ourentirelives. How could you have kept this from me? You said you’d never lie to me.”
“I didn’t lie to you.”
“Well, you sure as fuck didn’t tell me about it, either, and that’s the same thing as far as I’m concerned. You know what liesof omission have cost me in the past,” I grit out, trying like hell to keep my cool.
“Come on, man, I’m not even out to my family.”
“We’ll get to that in a minute, but fuck everybody else, Damon, I’ve always been your ride-or-die. What have I ever done to make you think this would change that?”
He doesn’t have an answer for me, so I go back to why he’s kept this from his family.
“Your family is so fucking close, and your brother is already out. You would already have an incredible support system,” I tell him, willing my mind to understand.
“After everything I’ve seen Taylor go through, you think I want to make my life that hard? As fucked up as it is, Taylor’s a big part of the reason I’m not out. He lives his life so boldly. Totally unapologetic about how he dresses, the makeup he wears, and the men he flirts with. Our family has always been supportive, but Tay makes me feel like I’m doing it wrong. Like, I’m not gay enough or something. I don’t own a single rainbow-colored item. In fact, I hate bright colors altogether.” It’s like now that Damon’s finally able to say this to another person, he can’t stop. “I’m not ashamed of being gay,” he continues. “I mean, hell, it’s just part of who I am…but that’s just it. It’s apartof who I am. It’s not my whole personality, like Taylor. It’s not mylifestyle; it’s just my sexual preference. Taylor’s personality is so loud, and he’s the most out, proud, gay guy I know, and it makes me feel like I fall short. Like I’d be a disgrace to my own community.”
Damon finally falls silent, looking exhausted, and I can’t fathom the energy it’s taken to keep that bottled up for so long.
To be at odds with yourself like that must be excruciating. I want to be angry with him, but I can’t.
Damon needs me to be there for him in the way he’s always been there for me.
With his whole heart, no questions asked, and just making it better.
Kneeling in front of his perch on the hearth, I place my hand at his throat with my thumb under his chin, forcing him to look up at me.
“Nothing’s changed between us, okay? I don’t care that you’re gay. I’m a little butt-hurt that you felt like you couldn’t tell me, but now you have, so just relax, and try to enjoy being here.”
Damon nods, but I know he’s still spiraling.
It’s clear he feels like he’s lost control, and the best way I know for him to get it back is through work, where he controls everything through numbers and code.
I tap my fist on his knee. “Go get some work done. I’ll pour you a glass of red wine. No more liquor, though,” I add. “Only one of us needs to get blackout shitfaced on this trip, and I’ve already checked that box. Maybe tomorrow we can actually ski again.” I give him a smile that isn’t returned.
As much as I want my words to be true, and for nothing to be different, thingsaredifferent. I can see it in his eyes and feel it low in my stomach.
