My phone vibrates. Luca. “My question still stands. He cried! What did you do!?”
My heart sinks. I didn’t mean for that to happen. I only kissed him. If I had known it would turn out like this, I would’ve never done it. I thought he wanted it too. But I can’t text any of this to Luca.
“I didn’t mean to. I’m sorry.” I press send and go back to my original message.
“Dear Jannis.” Now what? I’ve already said everything. “You don’t have to reply. Not if you don’t feel like it. I just want you to know how much you mean to me. It’s okay if you don’t feel the same way about me. I fell for you, hard. I couldn’t help it and I don’t want to change it. Take all the time you need, I’m not going anywhere. No matter what happens, you’re my friend, and that won’t ever change. Love, Dayyan.”
To be on the safe side, I read the message again, but everything I wrote is true. With trembling fingers, I press send.
Now it’s out of my hands. Patience isn’t one of my best traits, but I understand that he needs time, that it’s difficult for him toallow himself to feel these new emotions. Danny occupies a large place in Jannis’s heart, and that’s okay. The question is, is there still a little corner left for me?
Chapter 27
Jannis
“Hey, what are you doing... Oh, shit, you’re crying. I wasn’t sure the last couple days, but...” Valérie falls to their knees in front of me and for a moment I fear V might touch me. We don’t have that kind of relationship, so thankfully Val pulls their hands back.
Valérie has been following me around for three days. I have no idea why. So far, I’ve always been able to shake Val off, but I wasn’t so lucky today.
“I know you don’t like me, but I have to ask you this, whether you answer me or not, okay? What happened?”
I don’t know why Valérie and I don’t get along. We’ve known each other for twelve years, but it’s been difficult from the start. As a child, Val was open and exuberant, and everyone immediately loved the cute curly-haired girl with the bright blue eyes. It was always too much for me. Now things are different. V is different, completely themselves regardless of the consequences, despite all the gossip, and I always feel like I can’t keep up with V.
Valérie’s had a few tough years at school. Not in our class, but there are almost a thousand other students, and not all ofthem were able or willing to deal with Val’s coming out. But V never backed down, no matter how bad it got. They were provocative to the core, with an indestructible self-confidence that’s mistakenly interpreted as arrogance, and many people feel attacked by V. V has acquaintances, but no real friends.
I have neither. Dayyan’s image appears before my inner eye, his warm dark eyes, his gentle smile. My stomach tingles, my chest tightens, and my eyes well up again. My phone feels heavy in my hands. He fell for me.
“Can I sit with you?” I haven’t even answered their first question and V is already asking the second, and without waiting for my answer, Val sinks down into the sand next to me. Silence descends upon us. It’s not uncomfortable or disturbing. The waves are crashing in the background, people laugh and shout in the distance. V fiddles with their hands, playing with their fingernails. Something that would’ve driven me crazy a few months ago suddenly makes me smile.
I watch as their fingertips dance together in a precise choreography.
“I think I’m in love.” Startled, I flinch, and so does Val next to me.
“You have a beautiful voice. So much deeper than I ever imagined.” I spoke. It wasn’t a conscious decision. “But hey, that’s a good thing, isn’t it?”
No, it’s not, it’s a disaster. It feels like the worst thing that could’ve happened to me after the very worst thing already did happen. Not like total apocalypse, but I’m not sure if Europe and Africa can still be saved. Desperately, I shrug my shoulders.
“Doesn’t she feel the same about you?”
I snort and let my head fall to my chest. “He does. And that’s not the problem.”
“Oh, fuck. I shouldn’t have assumed. I’m sorry. Okay, he feels something for you too, then?”
“Yes, but... I don’t have much experience with this.” At least not as much as Valérie. I’ve seen V with men quite a few times. “Why are you even interested in this? Why do you care?”
“I’ve always cared about you.” For a split second, something like melancholy flickers in their eyes, a reaction I don’t understand.
“You always teased me, always did things you knew I hated, and constantly provoked me. You don’t like me.”
Two big blue eyes look at me, not letting go of my gaze. Val swallows visibly, and I expect their gaze to turn away, but I’m wrong. With one hand, V reaches into their short dark curls, pulling the strands out of their face, and something in their body language makes me doubt my assumption.
“You like boys, huh?”
“You do too.” A short, loud laugh breaks the uncomfortable silence, and I have to smile.
“Is it Dayyan?”
Oh, are we that obvious? “What makes you think that?”
