“Well, I’ve never seen you with anyone else but him. You...” V lowers their head and twists the corners of their mouth into a bitter smile that I can’t quite grasp. “You laugh when you’re with him. You seem, I don’t know, somehow more relaxed with him, more at ease.”
That’s true, everything is easy with Dayyan. And my heart sinks. My guilty conscience kicks in again because it never felt that way with Danny. But maybe it would’ve felt that way if we’d had the time. I’m sure, absolutely sure, we just never had the chance to get there. If Danny was still here, I wouldn’t have met Dayyan. Right?
Fuck, why does that thought feel so damn wrong?
“Jannis, what’s going on?” Valérie takes my hands firmly. It’s the first we’ve touched, and I’m surprised by the warmth andcalm they convey to me. “Are you confused because it’s your first time being in love?”
I shake my head and there they are again, the tears.
“For the first time in love with a man?”
“That’s not it. I’ve known for a long time that I’m into guys.”
Confused, Val furrows her brows. “But... Okay, you lost me. You had a boyfriend before? Who? You don’t have to answer that if it’s too personal. But I’m at your place like all the time. How could I’ve missed that?”
Because we never had the chance to make it official. Because he was gone from one day to the next, because he left me alone with all this shit. And now I don’t know what to do because I miss him, because I long for him. His open laugh, the boundless curiosity in his eyes when he touched me, how we had no idea what we were actually doing. And because I don’t miss him as much as I did three months ago. Because I miss someone else more. My lower lip is trembling, I can feel it, my shoulders are following suit, but I don’t want to break down, not in front of Val.
“What are we doing here, anyway? We’re not friends. We’re not. We...”
“Who?”
“Danny.” Out of the corner of my eye, I see Valérie turn their head toward me in a flash. The question marks dissolve first into realization, then into shock.
“Danny Maier? Who was in our class? Who died.” I nod. “I didn’t know he was into guys. Wait, you were together when that happened?” I nod again. “Fuck. And no one knew.” No question. “Does anyone know now?”
“Dayyan.”
“You carried that around with you for over three years? Shit, I’m so sorry.” Me too, but I don’t say that. “Why didn’t you tell anyone? Not even your family?”
“I couldn’t just out Danny without asking him first.”
“But you can’t ask him anymore. You’re still here, and it sounds like you need to share your feelings before you ruin yourself. You told me, after all.”
Maybe I just never felt bad enough. I kind of came to terms with my situation. Now my situation has changed, and everything is falling apart.
“And now you’ve fallen in love with Dayyan? So, what’s the problem?”
“It feels like I’m betraying Danny. The more I’m with Dayyan, the more my memories fade. He doesn’t come to me at night anymore when I dream, and I only see him so faintly when I look up at the sky, if at all. I lost him once, I can’t lose him a second time, he can’t be gone for good.”
Valérie smiles gently—it’s such a soft expression, and I realize I don’t know this side of V. “The people who loved us are never really gone. Just because we can’t see them anymore doesn’t mean they’ve left us alone. They are always there, in the sound of the waves, in a warm breeze on cold skin, in the rustling of the trees. Danny was so close to you the whole time because he knew you needed him. Now he’s letting you go. He’s moving on because he knows you’re going to be okay with Dayyan. He’ll come visit you, I promise, and it will be beautiful.”
Goosebumps spread across my skin, and my heart beats a little faster. Hope longs to creep into my soul, but I’m afraid to let it. “How do you know that?”
“My mother.”
Chapter 28
Dayyan
The check marks are blue. He’s read my message. I quickly open the chat and Jannis is still online. My heart is pounding in my throat. What should I do? Should I text again? Wait and see?
I scroll back to check again that I haven’t written anything stupid, when a new message pops up. He’s replied.
I quickly swipe up. It’s not a message, it’s a reaction to my last text. A pink heart, nothing more, nothing less. Tears run down my cheeks uncontrollably. Hope fills the hole in my chest that has been growing bigger and bigger over the last days.
When I go to reply, Jannis is already offline again. I turn the words over and over in my head before I send them. There is so much I want to say to him, but I don’t want to be pushy or overwhelming.
So, “I miss you” will have to suffice. Three words that say everything Jannis needs to know. Lost in thought, I snuggle into Flocke’s neck, and my husky nestles up to me.
