“Yes?”
“Where are you with your thoughts? Do you want some more couscous?”
“Is there feta in it?” When I don’t get an answer, I look at Mom, who looks at me blankly but amused. Did I say something stupid? Oh, damn it.
“Dayyan, you’ve already eaten a plateful, you should know what’s in it, don’t you think?” That might be true, theoretically. Practically speaking, I have no idea what I just put into my mouth.
“I don’t want any more, thank you.” That definitely puts me on the safe side. Dad smiles, probably because my mother looks so stunned. Fuck, I just want this to be over, I just want to go back to my room.
I’m staring at the ceiling when there’s a knock and my mother pokes her head through the doorway. “May I come in?”
“You are already in. You basically made the decision for me when you just opened the door. You could’ve waited until I said to come in.”
My mother rolls her eyes dramatically. “That’s what I get for raising my children with the self-confidence to speak up.” Her voice softens. “Joking aside, Dayyan. May I sit with you?”
Instead of answering, I slide over to make room.
“Spill.” She always does that, and the worst part is, it works. That’s her magic spell to get me talking.
“I screwed up. I moved too fast, I thought it was okay, but it wasn’t, and now he’s not talking to me. I sent him a voice message, but he’s not replying. I ruined everything.”
“Sweetie, don’t take this the wrong way, but I don’t know what you’re talking about. It’s about Jannis, I assume?”
I hide my eyes under my arm. If I can’t see my mother, she can’t see me either. Obviously, right? The logic of a one-year-old—or someone lovesick—doesn’t actually have to make sense. “Who else?”
“Just wanted to be sure. What happened?”
“I kissed him.”
“How did you feel about it?” Why does my mother ask such stupid questions? How I felt about it is completely irrelevant. Jannis obviously felt terrible.
“What does that matter? Jannis is gone.”
“And you’re sad about that?”
Seriously? Does she ask her patients such unnecessary questions too? “It was the best kiss of my life, and before you ask, no, it didn’t feel weird to kiss a man. Different, but not weird. We’ve grown so close over the last few weeks, the kiss just felt inevitable.”
“So you kissed Jannis, what happened then?”
“At first, everything was fine. He was a little startled, or surprised, but then I thought he was relaxing. Suddenly he pushed me away and ran off. We haven’t been in touch since.”
Mom puts her hand on my shoulder. “Don’t be so hard on yourself. Not many people accept their newly discovered sexuality so openly.”
Not helpful right now. Not helpful at all. “Mom, can you turn off professional mode and just be my mother? I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to pressure him, but I also don’t want him to think I’m giving up so quickly. How long should I wait before I text him again?”
My mother smiles. “You’ve really fallen hard.”
“It wasn’t planned. I knew from the start that his heart belonged to someone else. But then we just got closer and closer.” And now he’s gone.
“Maybe this distance is an opportunity for you? To see if you both really want more, or if Jannis doesn’t feel the same way you do.” I don’t want to think that far ahead. But maybe my mother is right.
“What should I do?”
“Text him. Tell him how you feel and that he has all the time in the world. Be there for him, but don’t set any expectations.”
When she says it, it sounds so simple.
“Dear Jannis...”
