At some point, my tears stop flowing and I lift my head, hoping to see Danny’s eyes in the blue of the sky, but nothing. Instead, I see Valérie leaning against a tree, maybe fifteen yards away from me. Damn it.
Their family is also going to Île de Saint Émile, we always travel together.
Why Val of all people? With their big, piercing blue eyes, V is looking at me, right into my head and, even worse, right into my heart. I wait for a reaction, but nothing happens, neither of us moves, and I look back at the water. When I turn around again, Valérie is gone.
***
“Paps, can we switch seats?” I have to smile, even though I don’t feel like it. When we took Luca to Île de Saint Émile for the first time four years ago, Paps rolled down the window for the last hour and gave him his seat. It’s been a ritual ever since.
For Luca, it was the first vacation of his life. He had seen many different places before, but he had never been anywhere voluntarily, and I remember exactly how nervous he was to leave the safety of our home. When it became clear we were going on vacation, Luca suddenly became very quiet.
It was only in this last hour that he was able to let go.
“Look how small the houses are!”
“Can you smell that? What is it?”
And when we drove over the high bridge to the island, there was a long silence. Papa put his hand on his shoulder. “C'est tout bon.”
“La mer.”
And this time, too, Paps and Luca push past each other in our VW Multivan.
“It was easier last year. How much have you grown?” Paps laughs and plops down in Luca’s seat.
For quite a while, we don’t smell anything, we’re still too far inland. Then suddenly, the first breath of salty sea air blows into the car. Smiling, I turn to the window and enjoy the landscape passing by. I know my way around by now. Just through the next small town, then over the bridge. I’m always happy sitting on the left side with a clear view when the vast expanse of the Atlantic Ocean spreads out in front of us for the first time. So beautiful.
The scent changes as soon as we reach the island, pine now mingling with salt, and I close my eyes.
***
“Can I leave the table?” I hold my phone under Papa’s nose. There are too many people sitting at this table, I won’t be talking much for the next two weeks. Usually, that doesn’t bother me. I really like everyone here – yes, even Val, somehow – but right now I can’t deal with people, I just want to be alone.
My father nods and I get up. My feet know where to take me, there’s only one option. I’m yearning for this moment when my bare feet touch the soft sand, and the waves break against my legs.
I sit in the twilight watching the last rays of sunlight disappear behind the horizon. A couple walks through my fieldof vision, holding hands. Louis and David. My heart aches.If only Dayyan was here...
Chapter 26
Dayyan
Jannis got my message, the two blue ticks don’t lie, but no reply yet. Shit. I fall back, my pillow catching my momentum, and I stare at the ceiling. It’s been two days and I miss him.
My phone vibrates. I frantically reach for it, only to find a message from an unknown contact on social media. I’m about to dismiss the message when I look at the profile picture. A bright blue eye, framed by dark eyelashes and pale skin. For a moment, I think it’s Valérie, but the eyeliner is missing, then I see the name – @LuDF1304.
“What have you done??? We had an agreement!”
I don’t ask him how he found me. Jannis has twelve followers, and I’m one of them. But now I’m paralyzed—is Jannis okay? I don’t know what to do or how to answer.
“Why are you asking?” I wait a few minutes, but when he doesn’t reply, I put my phone away.
After hours of silence, my phone vibrates again during dinner. My heart skips a beat hoping it’s a message from Jannis, but my head knows it’s Luca.
“Because he’s like a different person. He doesn’t mess around in the pool, if he even joins us. He hasn’t laughed once since we’ve arrived. Something’s wrong. He doesn’t talk to anyone.”
Fuck. What have I done? Why couldn’t I hold back?
“Sweetie?” Shit, my mother is talking to me.
