In a surprising move, Luca pulls me toward him and wraps both arms around my body. He holds me tight, my head resting on his shoulder, and it takes every last ounce of strength I have left not to break down and cry.
I have no idea what I packed, I may have to stock up at the Intermarché on the island, or at Decathlon. Apparently, I carried clothes into the caravan, because neither Papa nor Paps said anything. My swim trunks are in there, both of them. That’s all I need anyway.
It’s just dawn when Papa wakes me up. “Wake up, Janni. It’s time to leave.”
I haven’t been sleeping, at least not that I can remember.
“Is it because of Dayyan?” No one else in this family understands how I feel as well as he does. I nod.
“You don’t have to come if you don’t want to. If you’d rather spend your time here with Dayyan, that’s okay with us.”
Shaking my head, I sit up. This isn’t a good idea. I don’t want distance, not at all, but I need it to figure out who my heart belongs to.
“Dayyan, it belongs to Dayyan,”my subconscious screams, and I grimace. I have to get away, far away. Maybe my stupid heart will just forget about Dayyan if we don’t see each other for two weeks.
“Definitely not.”Fuck.
I let myself fall back onto the bed.
“If you come with us, we need your bedding in the caravan. Do you want anything to eat? Coffee?”
“Coffee in a thermos mug?”
Papa nods. “I’ll take care of it.”
“Thanks, Papa.” He’s almost out the door when he turns around with a questioning look. “For not asking any questions.”
With three long strides, he is back at my bedside, sitting down on the edge of my bed, and I fall into his arms. “I trust you to know I’ll always be there for you when you need me and that you will come when you are ready.”
“I love you, Papa.” My voice breaks, but Papa holds me.
“I love you too, Janni, to the moon and back.”
***
We are driving across the River Rhine when my phone vibrates. A voice message. Oh fuck. It’s bad enough reading his texts. Hearing his voice... I can’t handle that. Not here in a car with my family, not without bursting into tears, and I don’t want that.
Cars pass me by, meadows, fields, cows. As the traffic increases, I know we’re close to Paris. Not long now until our stopover.
“Papa?” I’m standing by a tree at the edge of our pitch. My phone speaks for me; there are too many people within earshot, at least that’s how it feels to me. He looks up immediately. “Do you need my help, or can I...”
I point my head away from the pitch, in no particular direction, just away. Papa understands me without many words, it’s always been that way, and he nods.
My feet carry me to the bank of the river flowing alongside the campsite, and I find a spot far away from the footpath. The voice message is still staring at me from my display. Tears well up in my eyes. I want to hear Dayyan’s voice, warm and soft. It sounds silly, but there’s always a smile in it when he’s speaking. I don't know how he does it, but it always rubs off on me. I can’t help but smile when I’m with him. Sometimes I don’t recognize myself anymore.
That relaxed, cheerful side of me was always reserved exclusively for my family.Even when I was with Danny.I press play.
“Hey! Um, good morning. I... I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have kissed you. I can’t undo it, but I would if I could, even if it meant the best kiss of my life would never have happened. Have a good trip and enjoy your time in France. I’m thinking of you.”
Fuck.
My lips tremble and I squeeze my eyes shut to hold back the inevitable. The first drops turn into a trickle and eventually I give up. My whole body shakes, my head resting on my knees.
The best kiss of my life.Same for me, even though I don’t want to accept it. I’m torn between everything I feel for Dayyan and this gnawing guilt.
And I’m angry.Why did you just die? Why didn’t you just break up with me? Why didn’t you set me free? Why? And now you’re not even here when I talk to you? Why aren’t you here anymore?!
I regret my thoughts the moment I send them out into the universe, but I can’t take them back.
