My lips are on his. Holy shit. Oh my God. I’m kissing a man, but it doesn’t matter, because all that matters is I’m kissinghim. It’s different, but it doesn’t make any difference. I want this so much, and it feels so good.
Jannis’s reaction comes out of nowhere. With both hands on my chest, he pushes me away. “I can’t do this. Fuck.”
And with those words, he turns around and storms off. My first impulse is to go after him, but that would probably make it worse for him. I’ve crossed a line and I don’t want to put any more pressure on him.
“I’m so sorry. I misunderstood the situation. I should’ve asked, I shouldn’t have just kissed you. Can you forgive me? I wish you a wonderful vacation.” I add the emoji with outstretched palms.
Nothing happens.
I’ve been home for a long time when the check marks finally turn blue, but I don’t get a reply.
***
Shortly before eight, my alarm rings, not that I slept a single minute.
When I set it two days ago, I had planned to say goodbye. Give him a quick call or something, I don’t know. Calling is probably out of the question now, even though I’d love to hear his voice, hoping he’d tell me everything’s fine between us.
I type and delete, type and delete. The right words won’t come, everything sounds stiff and wrong. Too awkward, too artificial.
“Hey!” Maybe a voice message would work better. “Um, good morning. I... I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have kissed you. I can’t undo it, but I would if I could, even if it meant the best kiss of my life would never have happened. Have a good trip and enjoy your time in France. I’m thinking of you.”
Chapter 25
Jannis
What...?
Does he want to...?
Do I want to...?
Oh fuuuck.
Dayyan’s lips touch mine. Just lightly, but enough to make me question everything I knew about kissing. Fireworks explode inside my body, my hands tingle, I want to touch him, want him to touch me. His thumb strokes my cheek lightly, then he deepens the kiss.
I knew Dayyan had full lips, but I never in a million years would’ve expected them to feel so good. So much better than anything I’ve ever... No.
No. It’s a reflex, one I immediately regret, but I can’t take it back. With more force than necessary, I push Dayyan away from me. He stumbles two steps backwards and I want to reach out to him, so he doesn’t fall, but I’m paralyzed.
“I can’t do this.” But I want to so badly. “Fuck.”
I start running without any real plan of where to go, as if I was in a fog. This is definitely not the direct way home, and I am relieved when I somehow arrive at our gate.
“Jannis?” I hear a voice and feel a hand on my upper arm. “Hey! What happened?”
Luca. Damn, the universe is out to get me, isn’t it? Why not Papa? Why Luca?
“I have to pack.” Hoping he won’t follow me, I leave him standing in the driveway and walk toward the house.
“You needed to pack two hours ago, ten more minutes won’t hurt. What’s going on?” He’s worried, I can hear it in his voice, but I can’t talk to him, no matter how much I want to fall into his arms and cry. I can’t.
“Nothing. Leave me alone, please.”
“Dayyan and you, are you fighting? Did he treat you badly? No shit, I’ll take care of it if he...”
I raise my hand reassuringly. “He didn’t do anything wrong and we didn’t fight. It’s me. I want to... so much, but I can’t, I just can’t. Do you understand?”
Luca looks at me as if I’ve lost my mind, and I don’t blame him. Unfiltered bullshit is pouring out of my mouth, at least that’s how it must sound to him. “Let me go. Please.”
